A
female
age
36-40,
*estinybound
writes:I posted a few days ago in regards to my boyfriend not sure if he saw me in his future. I'm 23, and he is as well. He told me he wasn't sure he saw me completely and he was completely confused. The day before yesterday, he came over to talk. Basically, he said he isn't sure what he wants. He said he's made a lot of bad decisions over the past few years, but I'm the best decision he has ever made. He said I was an amazing girlfriend, we rarely taught, didn't complain at each other, I was so supportive, and he was still so confused as to why he was doing this. He said NOT seeing me in his future and seeing me was bearable, but he was just so unsure. He said he loved me and cared for me so much, and but he wasn't sure if he was still in love with me. He said it was even worse because I wasn't getting mad and was being supportive through this, which he said was even worse and made him even more confused as to why he was doing this. He told me he had four priorities in his life: I was top, then his job, then his friends, and then himself. He said he felt like something was missing from himself, and he just couldn't figure out what. He also felt like something was missing from our relationship and he wasn't sure what, and he felt like I needed more than he was sure he could ever give me. After our long talk I asked him to leave, and I gave him back his stuff and his mine. Then he grabbed me sobbing and said if I ever needed to talk to him I could, and he hopes we could be friends. Then he left.I feel so confused. So broken. So lost. I just don't understand. Why let me go if I was so good for him? In always told him I would support him through everything. I just plain don't understand. Any insight please, please share. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 I went through a major break-up about 10 months ago, and I agree with the poster that said TIME is a healer. First I was numb and in shock. Then I had my daily crying fits. Then I tried the rebound relationship route. I was a complete mess. Maintaining no contact really helped me to heal. I still have some bad days, but the good days outweigh the bad now. You've got to allow yourself to feel your emotions. Cry as much as you want. I actually had a pity party for two weeks, where I allowed myself to mope around the house, eat ice-cream, watch sad movies, talk to my friends, sought counselling and really used that time to release a lot of emotions. Then I made a plan for myself to get out there and start doing things. I researched my favourite hobbies and signed up for dance classes. I also signed up for an online course and I'm even learning a new language. The extra curricular activities really helped...but you first need to grieve the loss. It will get better. I promise you that.
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (8 August 2013):
 I believe the best answer is TIME. Only time can tell.. maybe this is not quite the right time.. I suggest to give both yourself and him some space. Focus on something else, hang out with friends, take on a new hobby. Let time take it's course. Good luck! Big huggzz!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 August 2013):
 Don't give it a thought. Just be happy that he gave you an "out"... and live the rest of your life in peace....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 August 2013):
 Sometimes a relationship is sooo close to being a perfect fit for two people. Close but no cigar. It's hard to give it up but you just know settling for it will eventually be a huge mistake. This break up will be good for both of you in the long run and when you finally do find that perfect fit you will realize it. Chin up sweetheart you'll be A-okay.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): He was honest and considerate to let you go. It would have been wrong to keep you holding on under false-hope. I've responded to recent posts similar to this one; and don't know if I have responded to yours or not.
If I had, I would have suggested that you not build any hope around him changing his mind; or putting your life on hold for someone, if you aren't both on the same page about marriage.
The most important element in any relationship is a mutual love between a couple. That love has to be the same kind of love. He may deeply care for you, but he doesn't want to marry you. That doesn't mean he doesn't think you're not good enough. He doesn't feel you are the right person for him; and he isn't right for you. That's hard to admit.
You don't gauge your value on how other people feel about you. You are going to meet a lot of men who really like you; but you may not like them as much, or in the same way.
Well it hurt them to be rejected, even though they liked you.
You may be "attracted" to them. That doesn't mean you will want to marry them, or be in a committed relationship.
Well, that is the situation you are in now. He is attracted to you, but does not see the relationship advancing beyond where it has been up to now. He knows you want more.
I know, you have received all sorts of mixed communications from him. That is how it is sometimes. We have to weigh a lot of pros and cons. Sometimes people are really nice and very attractive; yet they don't create the kind of chemistry within us, that would make us truly want to take a relationship to the next level.
You may be good to him, or good for him. That doesn't make you "right" for him; and he doesn't feel he is right for you.
Someone recently dumped me four months ago, and told me I deserved better. I thought everything was just right. I'm quite experienced, and I know what is best for me.
However; I've come to understand what he meant. He couldn't reveal a lot of things about himself; because he didn't want to hurt me, and he didn't want me to judge him harshly.
I am mature and experienced, and did pickup some things, but love will make you overlook red-flags. It will cloud your judgment and put you in a foolish state of denial. Things that could be very destructive to a relationship, once they reach the surface. Sometimes they're best to remain buried.
I wanted to be with him so bad, I was going to let them slide. He cared enough for me that he wouldn't let me do that. He knew it was better to let go now; not once I've discovered, or experienced the things that could destroy us.
This is why I advice readers not to make any person a center of their universe, or place people on a pedestal.
That is what you must face now. He knows you. He knows you are good for him, but he may not be even close to what you truly deserve. He may not be able to live up to those things you said you want and need; even though he said he wanted the same things. He isn't all the things you want or think he is. That is what he is trying to tell you.
This is a painful and disappointing crossroad in a relationship. You've attached and invested deep feelings, and now you have to put them all in reverse. That isn't going to be easy. You will now have to force your heart to come to terms with it. It is, what it is.
You will eventually come to understand, as I have. It isn't meant to be. He can't deliver what you really want, and you may not be able to be everything he needs. This may not be the first, nor last time this has happened in your life.
You'll survive it. The mind and spirit is prepared for these moments in our life-time. Just be strong and don't place all your hopes and dreams on this guy. Now you know where you stand; and you must prepare to move on and survive.
Read my three articles. I hope they will give you comfort and inspiration.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): This is hard as I feel he has given you poxy excuses for not wanting to commit .. To me, I would rather have someone who was honestly aaying ' look im not in lovw with you anymore' than someone who kept saying ' well your great but I don't know etc' that just lame.. What he has done, is hedge his bets.. If things don't work out for him, if he doesn't find the one or has second thoughts then there always you to fall back on..If, I were you I would be so insulted and blooming angry and yes darling you are the ' best he ever had' and what are you going to so now? Mop about waiting on him changing his mind?If I were you, no I wouldn't !! For every action there is a reaction. And mine would be to move forward head held high and put everything down to experience .. I'd wish him well but no more and hell mend him if he came knocking at my door .. Take care sweetie, people change not always for the better .. You went out your way and if your weren't enough then bull him ..
...............................
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 He feels guilty about something he did n wont say so he just ends it?
He has issues he needs to work out before committing?
Ask him for a reason.
...............................
|
