A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dated my ex for 5 years. We were in an inter-religious relationship and his parents never knew about me. He was invited to all of my family functions and he truly adores my family and the traditions. In July his father passed away and he broke up with me 2 weeks after it happened. We went back and forth a few times but he continued to call me constantly even when we had been broken up. We would talk about everything, still laugh and joke around and occasionally he would call me very emotionally and confess his undying love to me, but never went as far as asking me back out. Last Sunday he called me crying about how he messed up our relationship, and how he wished he could come back, he stopped himself again just short of trying to get back together with me. I still love him with all my heart, but he insists he needs to try this new relationship and he doesn't know how he feels about me or us anymore. I know this is a rebound relationship, but I'm wondering what I can do to make him see that we should be together and that we can start over with a fresh start. What do you think caused him to do what he did? Will we ever get back together?
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female
reader, AskLadyJuJu +, writes (2 November 2009):
 i would give him lots of space .. hes still hurt about his father but what i dont understand is that if anything he should be closer to you because of his loss not push you away!.. i think hes a little lost at what he wants.. he calls you crying confessing how he messed up and his love for you yet hes going to be with another girl?..wow hunny ur ex is lost ..he needs to find himself first so thats why i tell you to give him his space and if he loves you he will come back to you because he will then realize that you are the one for him...and you are the one who stood by him.. let him be if he wants to be with someone else dont talk to him because by you talking to him it makes him feel secure so just have some ending words with him like "i love you alot and u obviously made ur decision on not wanting to be with me anymore after we have been there for eachother for 5 years its time that i move on and live my life" (whatever u want to say) and then just let it be ..move on dont wait around for him because life is way too short ..but if he comes around you have to find out why he did what he did (get to the bottom of it) because if you dont find out you will feel uneasy and insecure about him ending it again and if he doesnt come around then it wasnt meant to be... goodluck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): I just read your other post. To answer you why did he have the emotional rant when he was about to start another serious relationship a week later.
Who knows, why should you care why he is doing that, his relationship cannot be serious, but he is trying to make it so to get over you.
You really need to focus on you now and stop trying to figure this man out and finding ways to change his mind, it isn't going to happen. He will have to come to his own decision about things on his own, WITHOUT YOUR HELP.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop having andy contact and to stop letting him use you for emotional support and hanging out with you is not part of a break up.
You cannot accept this half ass relationship with him if he is in a relationship with someone else, then it is over for you two. He can't have it both ways or you will never be able to move on and you will not get him back into any kind of committed relationship and that is what you seem to want.
Set a boundary and tell him to leave you alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Well honey to get answers to your questions you might as well shake one of those Magic Eight Balls to get an answer.
Reason being, the only answer is I don't know.
Whenever we break up with someone we always try to find a logical reason for it and we believe that when we do find a logical reason then somehow our pain will go away and we will have the answers we seek.
The problem with that is that breakups are about emotion, we break up because of emotional reasons, and it is impossible and a waste of time to come up with a logical explanation for it.
Yes you can go over the past realtionship and find problems and issues that led to the break up, but those were there from the beginning, it is the relationship breaking down that we find hard to grasp.
I am sorry that you spent 5 years in this relationship when he never introduced you to his family. That is a really bad sign that he has no intention of making this a permanent deal, obviously the inter faith relationship was a pretty big deal to him and his parents and he wanted to avoid the whole thing by dating you and not disclosing you to his family. I am sure he is torn up about it because he did not live according to his core values, probably still isn't, what ever those are.
Yes he may be in a rebound relationship, it is pretty common with people who are trying to avoid dealing with a breakup. You cannot convince him of anyting which is what you are trying to do when you say how can I make him see (he is wrong and made the wrong decision) in fact by doing so you will drive him further away.
The best thing you can do right now is to accept the break up and stop being there for him as emotional support. Ask him to stop calling you, there will be no weaning himself off this 5 year relationship. Cut him off cold. Give him what he wants, which is no you. He has already moved on and is in another relationship, it sounds as if he started it before he broke up with you. If that is the case that is pretty much all you need to know. It is over. He mislead you, planned this and cheated on you.
If and when this relationship of his fails, he will probably be calling you again, it is your choice if you want to try and get back together with him and that will really depend on you and how you feel about this. Usually when a relationship like this ends after all these years, it is over for good and should stay that way.
I am sorry you are going through this. Breakups are really hard especially when long term relationships end.
I hope you try to move on and concentrate on yourself. You need to get back to being just you and focus on taking care of yourself. In time you will be glad you did and you are free to find a man who really wants you to be part of his life and will not hide you away like some closeted person.
Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsadly i deleted part of the message when it was posted.This saturday he called me to hang out. We've been talking several times a day still. We hung out and after he left he called me to tell me he was going to start dating someone else exclusively. We have technically been broken up for 4 months and i've been seeing other people as well, but I don't understand what the emotional rant was about Sunday if he was just going to start a new "serious" relationship a week later.
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