A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm trying to understand the situation better. I'm married and I cheat for about a year with another man, who was also married (even though I didn't know at the time). I understand my reasons for cheating (abusive relationship), but I don't understand why my ex-lover cheated on his wife. In the aftermath, I was briefly in contact with his wife of 20 yrs. They have kids together. They're wealthy and successful. She's intelligent, beautiful and seems like a good mother and wife. I don't understand why he cheated on her. I suppose it's really none of my business, but it concerned me because he wanted to take our affair to an emotional level. Actually, that fact really disturbed me, especially having to break it off so abruptly. For months, we kept the affair about sex and kept it casual, then he started pressing for more emotions from me...asking how I felt about him repeatedly as we were intimate, initiating "I miss you" texts, putting fantasies in my head of vacationing together, etc. Eventually, I let my guard down and fell in love with him, just before it had to end. He obviously caused much strain in his family and wife's lives by cheating, but also manipulated me. As soon as my husband found out, he wasn't too concerned and kept talking to me. But the affair ended with me getting pregnant and as soon as that happened, he dropped me and never spoke to me again. (I miscarried.) Why did he want to take the affair to such an emotional state? He knew I was being abused and he took advantage of me. Why wasn't he just happy with the beautiful life he had?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHAHA - funny responses. Q1605, he had been sexual with me for 6 months without emotions, so he didn't use it to get in my pants, but I do agree with CaringGuy that he used an emotional connection to get me to stick around, cause ultimately, he had no interest in helping me with work or anything else in my life. He just wanted me to be another doll in his life. After some time thinking about it all, he's the type of guy who would prefer to keep his women locked away for himself cause he's so insecure. I do think he had some emotion towards me - possessiveness and ultimately regret, since his wife now knows of everything. But let me remind you again, I never knew I was the other woman until we broke things off. His wife and kids were revealed to me when my husband investigated. Despite the betrayal and the emotional drain from all of this, I'm ready to move forward. I would say that I pity him, but then I would also pity myself. Ultimately, we're human and made mistakes. I hope he changes and gets better, as I plan to do.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 May 2010):
 He IS a sad, sorry man with little low hanging fruit. If you can view him like that, you'll feel much better. "low hanging fruit" you gotta hand it to q.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2010):
 I suggest you analyze yourself more then him. His behavior and action are totally outside of anything you can do anything about or even fully understand. Maybe yo need to figure out WHY you had no problem being " the other woman".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell honestly, I feel like writing about this, so I want to understand character motivations. Whenever I've gotten in situations of social disfunction, I make an effort to understand why. I appreciate humanity, even at its failures. We all can learn from each other, and we're more open to it when we've failed. If my compassion for him is only pity for seeing what a sad, sorry man he is, it's better than being angry and vengeful, which is what I'm currently feeling.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 May 2010):
Why are you tormenting yourself over this? What does it matter why and what he was thinking? It's over. Time to get your life straightened out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo he wanted me to get emotional cause he wanted me to stick around to have sex? Ok...I understand that motivation. I did some freelance work for him and just as I was finishing that first gig, he started pushing for a more emotional connection. So I get it, he was afraid that I would stop seeing him, so he took it to the next level to encourage me to stay cause he liked the sex so much. Still, what a dick. I don't expect sex to be an emotional act all the time, so I can understand detachment, and I, in fact, expected that, but taking it to this level is sick. He should know not to play with people's emotions. What causes this behavior? Why did he have to manipulate the situation instead of being honest? He knew I was already in a venerable state with my current relationship and he does this! It's like kicking someone when they're already down.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 May 2010):
He wanted sex, but to have you connected to him emotionally meant that he could use you even more. That's how people like him work. If you weren't connected to him emotionally, you wouldn't have been so controlled by him, and you could have ended it. As it is, he had all the control. He just used you and played you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy did I cheated and was still in the abusive relationship? Honestly, I was looking for a "life-raft" of sorts. This ex-lover of mine has a lot of money and was going to help me with work, but that fell through as well.
Regarding sex, I was fine with keeping it just sex, but I'm offended that he wanted to take the sex to an emotional level. He kept pressing more emotions out of me as the affair continued. I'm just pissed off that he manipulated me, got me knocked up and then just abandoned me and left me in ruins. Fuck him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): Hi. Its amazing that you started an affair given that you have an abusive husband at home! Werent you afraid of what he might do when he found out? As he didnt seem too concerned about you cheating, maybe you wont have too much trouble from him if you decide to divorce. As for the guy you were seeing, having a beautiful wife at home. Even the finest meal becomes boring when its all you have to eat. He was just enjoying the rush of cheating with someone new. Some are like that. Loving him would have been a notch on his bed post no more...as you later found out when you became pregnant. And yes. He did take advantage of you.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 May 2010):
I'm sorry I can't totally answer you question. Maybe HE ( the married guy) can. I can try though.
Could be that even the near perfect wife of his wasn't spending enough time "stroking" her husband's ego. Maybe some of the passion between them had gone, and instead of putting the WORK of rekindling the passion with his wife he went outside the marriage. Maybe his wife had lost her libido, it happens. Which again could be why the husband "justified" the cheating. ( Oh it's "just" sex) There can be so many reasons, mainly... in my book, because he is lazy and thinks with his "other" head. They want the fantasy of being worshipped and being "the MAN".
Cheating is sort of like role-play. The guy can be "all that and a bag of chips" simply because the Other Woman don't know him that well. She (the OW) will believe his lies because he knows EXACTLY what to say to get her to do what HE wants her to do. Some men (not all) don't bond over sex. So they "believe" having sex with someone else then their wife is OK... because again, it's just sex.
However I have a question. Why do YOU think being in an abusive relationship gives you the right to cheat? Wouldn't it have been better all around to LEAVE an abusive marriage/relationship instead of stooping to cheating? Just curious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo it was just a game...I have no marriage, lost all my friends because of judgement over this, miscarried...all so he could boost his ego? He ruined the lives of his family, his wife and me - all for his ego boost! He obviously has no understanding of what love is. What a psychopath! What a monster! How do you move forward after something like this?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 May 2010):
I'm glad it's over with the married guy. Now you can divorce that abusive husband and start your life over again. Don't dwell on the past, look towards the future.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 Some of us are just more greedy and selfish than others.
There is a rush, a sensation about being "in love" or being in simulated love that you don't get from a stable relationship no matter how wonderful one's long-term partner. We all love to be loved. Being able to fool yourself that multiple women or much younger women actually love you is a huge boost to a male ego facing incipient middle age and the long down hill run to the grave.
Sex is easy. I live in China and I have a wonderful wife and family and live very comfortably. In China I could have sex with a different beautiful girl every day until I die but to make them love you, well there's the game. It's a sick game and you never know whether you are the player or the played but it is a rush. Like all addictions it ends badly.
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