A
male
age
41-50,
*nearrax
writes:Well, I am obviously an idiot. First off my wife and I have a good marriage, she just isn't interested in sex (when we talk about it she says she can't explain other than she just isn't interested)it has been since Jan '09. For reference we have been married for ten years and have two children (6 and 8). My birthday is at the end of the month and last night she asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Without thinking I told her that I would be happy just to get laid for my birthday this year. Well suffice to say she didn't appreciate my suggestion and told me that stuff like that shouldn't ever be planned and told me I would be lucky if I even got any this year after that. I am beginning to think that she would be happy to not have sex again, ever no matter how much I want it. Any help on how to talk to her about this would be appreciated. Anybody? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Yes, conflict or resentment can be one of the causes of this but she still needs to see a doctor to rule out any medical causes. They are real for women just as they are for men with sexual problems. More importantly, her seeing the doctor shows that she cares and is willing to work with you to solve this.
We can all be better husbands but sometimes despite doing everything right, this problem can arise. Listen to Fatherly Advice and have the conversation he suggests.
Chin up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Some women withdraw sex in a passive aggressive way. I guess if my husband used the expression 'get laid' to me I would be offended. If he said that he wanted to feel me under him, grinding slowly into me making me etc etc, then I might be more inclined (actually i'd be dragging him upstairs!!). I don't buy the chemical problem scenario, if she adores you and wants to make you happy she would do it for you (bit like when I help my husband with DIY!!). My guess is that you have hurt her feelings (and with us women it may have been years ago!!) and she's punishing you. My guess would be is that there is resentment which is unresloved between you (as well as the sexual issue). For a woman to want her husband he needs to be someone who cherishes, fancies and adores her, and she needs to be OK in her skin. Most women feel some degree of inadequacy, as do most men. If your wife is waging some war against you that you don't know about, then ask her. It's not fair for her to withold intimacy, and for you not to know why. If she just genuinely doesn't know what she's missing then she plainly hasn't ever had it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): Fatherly Advice hit the nail on the head. His talking points for the conversation you need to have with your wife cover all the major points in a very mature, non-judgemental manner. She is not going to like hearing this. She will be upset; you will both cry but it has to be done. I had this conversation with my wife over this same issue. I was too patient and allowed the problem to fester for many years. I sat with her one day and used a copy of an article from New York magazine entitled "Why My Wife Won't Sleep With Me" to get the ball rolling. I found the article expressed the man's perspective on this problem very well.
We have three young children. [And yes, I've always been very involved in the childcare and housework and show my wife lots of appreciation and affection.] We've gone from sex once every six months to once every one to two weeks. We've started more regular date nights out. We've set aside Saturday mornings for sex play ( not always intercourse). We set up the kids' cereal the night before and leave them a note telling them they can watch cartoons after they eat. We've found friends with kids and arranged sleepovers so we can have a night together in a nice hotel and return the favour for them. I've surprised her with a candlelit room and a warm oil massage etc.
Talk to your wife. Tackle it as a problem you can solve together. Investigate any medical issues (hormonal/meds). Don't give up. Read up on the thousands of postings here on this very issue (don't dwell on the doom and gloomers). As long as she is also willing to see this as a problem and is willing work with you to solve it, then you both stand a good chance of overcoming this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): It sounds as if she has lost interest in you sexually. Telling you she doesnt know why, isnt good enough. She knows, she just doesnt want to discuss it with you. My ex husband was the same. Conversations about it became really difficult because he firmly resisted talking about it and you cant make a person talk if they dont want to! But something has happened to put her off. Either it is a chemical problem or youve done something at some time and shes using no sex as a punishment. If it is just that she had a low sex drive, can i ask? Were you a good lover? Some just dont have a clue how to make love properly and this can eventually put a partner off bothering. Try teasing her. Offer a massage. A proper one. Buy a dvd on the subject. Learn how to do it properly. No matter how annoyed i am with my partner, if he offers a massage im there! I had to teach him how to do it tho but its great. Find her G spots on her back, legs, neck, arms ect. As she relaxes, use your mouth to kiss and nibble her G spots after reassuring her you dont want sex. Stay away from below the navel..above the thighs area! Aquaint yourself with her body during massage but dont have sex. Make that one of the things you WONT do. Promise her that and stick to it, so she can relax and just enjoy the sensations. THATS KEY! Keep your word and if it makes temptation less of a problem...pop to the bathroom directly before and sort yourself out...if you know what i mean. Watch and listen to how she responds to being massaged properly. Remember what she likes and you will become good at it. Soon she will be worrying because you dont want sex and during one of those wonderful massages she will want more. If you can make an effort to curb your sex drive and put her first, not just moan about getting "laid", im sure things will improve. All the best.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 May 2010):
 Get her into a doctor. Unless she has some twisted religious reason for not wanting sex. A decline in sex drive is normal, but a total cut off sounds chemical. At this point in your life with your youngest in school all day she should be on the upswing sexually.
I have heard this crazy theory that sex can't be planned. Frankly at my age if you don't plan it you don't get it. You need to sit her down and explain the facts to her. The messages that she needs to understand are.
You may be happy with the level of sexual activity in our relationship, but I am not. I am not just hungry, I am starving.
When I tell you about my desires you don't accept them as being real. That hurts me.
When you know that I have needs, but you continue to ignore those needs then I don't feel loved.
I am patient, but I need to see that you are moving forward on this.
It is unrealistic for you to expect me to remain faithful to you when you ignore my needs.
This is going to be a difficult conversation. If something doesn't happen you will be headed for divorce. The old saying is true. A relationship with sex and no marriage will last longer than a marriage with no sex.
Actually Sex on a birthday is a pretty common request. I believe that in your case it is the thing you want most in the world. Now spontaneous sex is great but planned sex is not a bad thing if you think about it, there would be no Valentines if planned sex was a very naughty thing. As a matter of fact, having all day to think about and get excited for a sexual encounter is part of the fun for many people.
Back to the beginning. Many anti-depressants, and some birth control pills have side effects that can cause your wife's symptom. usually it is just a matter of changing pills or altering the dose. If not that then couples counseling. This is not something you can just learn to live with. Physical intimacy is the glue that holds a marriage together.
FA
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 She may have inhibited sexual desire (ISD), a common disorder in which there is a chronic disinterest in sex.
It could be due to depressions or inter personal conflicts.The relationship isn't working or isn't providing the woman with what she wants or needs to be sexual,"
for more,
http://www.mothernature.com/Library/bookshelf/Books/62/54.cfm
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A
female
reader, Moon_princess  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 I gues she has some sort of problem. Cause without a reason why would she say that. And evrything has a reason. I think you should talk to her about it.
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