A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was seeing a guy as FWB (friend with benefits) for 2 years and it was all going well, i had my suspicions he was not single but never really pulled him up on it as i was too busy living and looking for a long term relationship of my own, anyway we fell out over something else a year ago and have not spoken for a year.a few weeks ago we got back in contact and i confronted him on what had hapened, and told him i knew he was seeing someone as THREE other people told me. he said they got things wrong and he was just logding with a good female friend, who he takes out now and again, i continued to text him back and met him once he bought me flowers and wine, stayed for a bit then received a text and had to rush off saying he was tired.over the next week he text me every day, but in the evenings did not respond to my texts only once on one day. i pulled him up on the girlfriend thing again, and he was polite and said he has given me reason not to trust him. we never argued about him not texting me as he always managed to change the subject.last night he was supposed to pop in to say goodbye as he was going away for 3 weeks break, he never showed up or called or texed, and ignored my texts, after saying he was popping in. i have not heard from him since. i have come to the conclusion he is seeing someone and have told him now i want nothing to do with him and be his friend if he cant be honest.i have known this guy for three years and i am finding it hard to believe anything he has ever told me now, about wanting to take me away for the weekend. what does anyone else think he is up to. i just want honesty and have told him this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok the main problem here is, yes i was happy with casual, but i got pregnant lasst summer and had surgery as baby was eptopic, i was very poorly, i did not want baby nor did he. he after finding out i was pregant disapeared and i went to see him to say i was ok and we had both been silly, to find out from his neighbour he had moved away night after i was in hospital and moved in with his long term girlfriend. last week after no contact i pulled him up on all this and he denied it all saying they were friends and his neighbour has a mental disorder, two of his work friends also confirmed he had a girlfriend, this man still wanted to see me take me out and have casual relationships with me, after knowing i knew all this, trying to convience me this time he was serious, but never answered his phone after 6 at night. i have made a decision and ended telling him what i think of him, but i now i feel somewhat guilty calling him what i did lol, and double guessing what i know. i suppose i really wanted to trust him after all this time
A
male
reader, Sandman  +, writes (1 August 2010):
 It is very important to have honesty in a relationship so I can understand why you are having anxiety over this issue. I think it's a safe bet to say that he is probably seeing another woman or many women. But I question what the real problem is. You stated that you were FWB. So if that's the case, you know the rules of being FWB. FWB are simply that; friends who occasionally (or frequently) have sex with one another - that's it. The (unofficial) rules are that the two people are not supposed to have feelings for one another because that isn't why they are engaging with each. The main purpose of the relationship becomes a sexual one and both parties have signed on to that. What the other person does when they are not around the other person isn't any of their business - because they aren't "committed" to one another. Unless both parties have explicitly stated that they agree to have sex ONLY with each other, the activities they engage in when not around the other person should be of no concern to them.It seems to me that you developed feelings for your FWB and he didn't have the same feelings for you. Its possible that his actions of avoidance are secondary to the rules being broken. He may not necessarily be in a committed relationship but may have MANY sexual partners to call on. He may have thought you were on board with that when you became FWB in the beginning - but when things became different, he probably didn't want any parts of it and so he discontinued the FWB portion of your relationship.But that doesn't absolve of him of needing to be honest with you. I don't know why HE wasn't honest with you. He could have simply told you why he became distant and began to avoid you. This could have saved you a lot of time. I am in no way condoning his behavior or making excuses for him. But he didn't do this so you have to make a choice to either discontinue your relationship with him or continue the relationship KNOWING he more than likely has other woman he is having sex with.Being in a FWB relationship is very muddy waters and must only be entered into when both parties agree to the rules. My advice is for you to be honest with yourself. If you are looking for a long term relationship then this needs to be your goal. Don't enter into a FWB relationship because by rules and definition, that relationship has a clear purpose and agenda. Its true that people develop feelings for their FWB and sometimes a truly successful romantic relationship buds out of it - but this is rare. Find yourself a real relationship where your physical as well as emotional needs are being met because it seems that's what you want and need. Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): You want honesty, well IF you put yourself up for SEX without any commitment, as in FWB's, as in casual sex where one does not have any foundations whatsoever, as in the right to be told what the other person is doing, otherwise that would be called a relationship.You allowed this man to have sex with you, knowing it was not going anywhere, and I'm afraid as much as you dislike this, ultimately that loses respect from the man, yes he will love the sex, cake and eat it, no emotional ties, can see, date and even bed other women, but because you didn't hold that much importance to sharing your body where NO real bond was going to be built, you gave it away, saying YES lets have casual sex, whilst I look around for a long-term partner.Ok it's not nice he hasn't been as honest as you see it, being open, but when one enters these types of friendships they invariably have so many grey areas, no boundaries, thatafter while, both people become so distant from what is really taking place and just drift without explanation.I hope you stop this FWB's connection, as it doesn't ultimately make us grow emotionally, as one becomes emotionally desensitized, and separates sex from emotion and love. Hope you find your long-term partner, good luck!Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): Yes I agree with you. I know your feelings. Especially for a guy that doesn't care for you. (Sorry if you feel offenced, its not intentionally.) I think he doesn't seem to be serious in your relationship. So I think that you have made the right decision. It not worth for a guy like him with no honesty within him.I believe you will find someone else better, besides, love doesn't matter of age. Good Luck!
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