A
male
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anonymous
writes:I was married for 9 years, but split with my wife just over a year ago, we have 3 children together. I have been engaged to another girl for 3 and a half months and love her dearly. We live 300 miles apart and I live close to my wife and kids. I still remain friends with my wife and am always there as a father to the kids. I stop off at her house regularly to see the kids as they are the most important thing in my life.Lately though, my fiancee does not seem to understand why I love the kids more than her. She seems to think I am still in love with my wife (we are currently going through a divorce)Me and my fiancee only really ever talk on MSN, via webcam, because of the distance. Every time I get a phone call, my fiancee says things like, awwww is that the mrs? how sweet. I am sick of these little comments. I would never cheat on my fiancee, I never cheated on my wife. My fiancee cheated on me numerous times early in our relationship, maybe she thinks I might get revenge or somethingLast night, I was in the pub and texted my fiancee to tell her I would be on MSN around 6pm today, as I was going to see the kids because my daughter asked me to go. I got a text back saying, Awww, your daughter wants you, f**k everyone else. I texted back telling her to stay out of my life. We have now sorted things out, but she is still hurt by the knowledge that I love the kids more than I love her.Am I wrong to feel like this?
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cheated on me, cheated on my wife, divorce, engaged, fiance, msn, revenge, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (27 October 2006):
 Maybe ehe doesn't realise the situation as she doesn't have children and so on... she may be jealous and scared you go back to your family... try to promote her self steem and make her realise the situation or drop her if it's to hard to bear
love
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (27 October 2006):
 Hi Anon,
Did you two ever live near each other, and if so was she like this before? She is letting her jealousy get the better of her because your kids see you in person. But if she's nasty about it when you two are visiting one another, it makes me wonder what you see in her.
Maybe the next time she gets all huffy over you spending time with your kids, you could reassure her that you miss her, too. Maybe talk about the things you two will do when you're together. Try to be more positive when she is being negative. She is probably just looking for reassurance of your feelings.
I'm not sure when you two will live close to one another again, but maybe it would be a good idea for her to see a therapist to deal with these feelings she's having. It seems to have overcome her at times and it's really taking a toll on your relationship. If you do suggest that she goes to see a counselor, I would not tell her when she's having a fit. That will probably only make her more angry. Instead, I would talk about how you care about her and want to make sure that you all keep a strong relationship and then try to gently suggest this. (Don't bring this up if you think she'd go all ballistic, though!!)
There's a book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. It's focused on women and how they can control their anger - by stopping patterns that occur. It definitly sounds like this anger of hers is a pattern. You can read reviews of it online, there are a bunch on amazon.com. I've read the book myself and it has some really good advice on how to break anger cylces. I guess you might want to read up on it first, then bring it up to her - maybe as you would if you were going to suggest the therapist.
I hope I was able to be helpful. I know that you're going through an ultra stressful situation - I think you're partner just needs to try and work on communicating with you instead of resorting to anger to accomplish this.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank again kelly, I hope to visit her next month. We have met many times, but not in the last 2 weeks.
I am discreet about my allegiances, but I get annoyed when she has a go at me for spending time with them. I havent said I love them more than her, but she does not like the fact I put them first.
I really do love her with all my heart, but it is hard to stay calm when she has a go at me for trying to be a good father and being there for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): My partner loves his daughter more than me.
I love my son more than him.
That's nature's way!
But we try to be discreet about it in order to avoid hurt feelings.
Try being more discreet about your allegiences.
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (27 October 2006):
 Ok. thanks for clarifying alot cos i got abit confused from ur posting. If that is the case and u truly love her then perhaps u can arrange to meet and sort things out. Goodluck dear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Kelly, but she feels like I am always putting the kids first.
We only really get to talk on MSN for a few hours per day, but was limited to an hour yestaerday because I had been to see the kids first.
I told her they still need me, but she replied, "they have got their mum".
I really do love her with all my heart, but I will always put my children before anybody.
I do trust her, I really do not think she would cheat again.
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (27 October 2006):
Hi,
I think it is wrong to make a comparison between the love you feel for your kids and your fiancee.You dont need to allow your finacee feel u love your kids better than her. This are two different feelings a father love and love for a partner.
If u feel u dont love or trust your fiancee enough then that is a different issue.
Im afraid that your relationship has alot of problems at the moment. I really dont see how it can work.Trust is a key factor in any relationship and basically it isnt there both ways. The distance is also an issue here.
I think the best advise i can give is for u to move on really. For me she isnt the type to stay faithful and your lack of trust isnt making u love her fully.
Goodluck dear.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (27 October 2006):
 why do you compare the love you have for your kids to the love you have for your fiancee? dont you think this is where everything seem so messed-up? I wouldnt want to be compared with my bf children it is unacceptable so I know why she cant understand that, put urself in her shoes u will feel the insecurity she might be feeling it is really unfair. The two must have different meaning to ur life u must be able to feel that u cant live without either or the other, maybe u should have sorted urself out first before u committed urself to this woman bcos both of u are behaving the same way although the motives are different as she is fighting to keep u in her life and u are fighting to keep ur children. Try to have the same base 4 ur relationship to work and the rest shall follow. good luck
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