A
female
age
51-59,
*tillstrong
writes:I did it again. I swore never to talk to another man online due to my past experiences of getting too close without having any kind of commitment. It took time to get over the last guy I spoke with for 18 months (I found out he was dating someone else via Twitter no less).I met this new guy on a Facebook group I was on for getting over narcissistic abuse etc. He seemed kind and as we had shared past experiences I started chatting. He called every day more than once. We spoke from Morning .. during the day.. every night. He was planning on coming to see me this summer. He would send cute quotes and complimented me continually.About a month ago all that changed overnight without warning. The calls stopped.. when I asked why he asked me if I was his mother and I should stop nagging. He called about 1 x a week and at that grudgingly so. The texting was also very minimal and I would wait in vain for a good night which never came. He suddenly kept saying he is single and that he doesn't owe me anything. It just baffles me that someone can come on so strong. Be so loving and suddenly take it away. Very much Narc behavior. Love bombing me to suddenly stonewalling and literally going underground with no explanation. Why can't men just say they are not interested in pursuing anything anymore rather than string you along with the crumbs?I couldn't take it anymore when he didn't say good morning for the first time since January ... his answer was that he was at work (that never stopped him before) and that he is single and doesn't owe me any explanations as to what he does with his life.... I literally cut contact... unfriended on FB, sent him a mail telling him goodbye and that I was humiliated for the last time. That was what I was feeling eventually.. humiliation. I know I made the right decision to back off as he wasn't going to do it.. but I could not just wait around for him to decide whether I was worth the effort or not. I just still feel sick about it all as we had made plans to see each other etc. I know obviously have cut all that by cutting contact. Did I do the right thing?
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female
reader, stillstrong +, writes (26 May 2017):
stillstrong is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much Denizen for your words of wisdom.
The phrase "Swap the humiliation for disappointment in him" is a very good thing to rather dwell on than the former! Very helpful indeed.
And, yes, I am a little naive I think.. or maybe a lot! I never outgrew that so thank you for that compliment!
I am a little too open and share too much generally. I prefer knowing things.. am inquisitive by nature and do prefer being open and honest in all my dealings. Hence my bafflement at people who are NOT!
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (26 May 2017):
 Just remember StillStrong, he is the lesser person not you. You have the courage to open up about yourself. In the end, he bottled it. He took the cowardly way out. Be proud that you have the inner strength to show others who you really are. Swap the humiliation for disappointment in him - and perhaps a little bit of self-criticism that you may have been naive. BUT naivety is a beautiful thing.
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A
female
reader, stillstrong +, writes (26 May 2017):
stillstrong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, again, to everyone who has replied. They all have helped and added another perspective.
I definitely have a problem in giving too much of my heart away to people who don't deserve it or have earned it.
It hurts now but would hurt more having to wait another few months with the pain I was in as it is.... so, onwards and upwards I shall go!! I have much to learn still in life it would seem... !
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A
female
reader, stillstrong +, writes (26 May 2017):
stillstrong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn reply to the answer regarding meeting real people and the risk of being catfished. Every guy I have met was real. I actually do check that quite thoroughly and have talked to their friends etc so they are real. One can see quite quickly if one is using a fake profile, but I do get how dangerous it can be.
I have been in environments where I can meet people as I worked 7 days a week basically in a company that arranged events so I was quite out there. I never met one man of any value that way either. 1 coffee out and it would either fizzle out or you would never hear from them again!! It's not that easy meeting people in real life!!
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A
female
reader, stillstrong +, writes (25 May 2017):
stillstrong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you WiseOwlE for your lengthy and informative reply. Hard reading at times but I do agree that one would have to meet in person to continue any form of real relationship. The only thing is that everything we 'shared' was very much a two-sided thing up to the point where he started pulling away due to whatever reason. I never gave anything that wasn't received mutually and given mutually.I realise it was only talking/texting etc but we were being a listening ear and just knowing someone cared about your daily life was comforting in some way. I actually ended this due to not being able to handle the constant rejection by being totally ignored or having to be around whenever he felt like it. So I was strong enough to say no more and realise I was worth a lot more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2017): You speak as though you had an actual relationship with a man you simply messaged frequently. You never met the man in-person; and you never shared real-time with him to get to know him. As far as he's concerned, you were just text-buddies and he enjoyed spending a little time messaging back and forth.
The novelty wore-off. People will never learn that you cannot have the same kind of intimate connection with people online and between devices, as you have with people in the flesh. It's impersonal and your emotions can only be expressed through silly emojis and stupid symbols.
There is no little icon, avatar, or smiley-face that can substitute for the expression of real human emotion. Our
emotions cannot truly be expressed in words alone. We need the opportunity to demonstrate them. We emphasize our feelings and deepest affections through touch and eye-contact. We use body-language and read personality through human interaction. Not digital-devices where you're nothing but an image or words on a screen.
I mean, seriously?!!!
On Facebook, and on all your other forms of social media; contacts are a group of random people you may or may not really know. Real-life requires you to use all your senses. Social-media is impersonal and a plethora of artificial-connections of people you've never seen or met.
All you can do to get attention is click on "like!"
Then blend-in with several other unfamiliar folks; becoming nothing but part of the sum of other strangers.
The people you connect with on a dating site are only strangers, until you meet and get acquainted. I don't care how long you've been in-contact with them. I don't care if you've seen them on Skype or seen a thousand Instagrams!
Snapchat and all the other forms of social media are not for serious human romance. They are for entertainment, bragging, and reaching out over distance. Anyone with a connection can comment.
Maybe for some, valentines and puckering smiley-faces feels warm and cozy! Not for me! I found my true love the hard way. Person to person! Our devices are only tools we put-away when we're together. Touching and sharing our time.
That's the real deal!
You may as well consider everyone in a phone book your friend. Adding a picture to it doesn't make it anymore personal; because many people use symbols and icons in-place of their faces to remain anonymous. How authentic, sincere, or personal is that?
That's nothing compared to sitting together in the same room, sharing your personal-time, and having a conversation. Able to reach-out and touch that person. People can form make-believe emotional-connections through devices, but it's a different form of interaction. Strictly based on digital communication; but there is no real human and personal attachment. It's completely artificial!
That makes it quite easy to simply disconnect, delete, hide; or block. All you'll get is a busy-signal, recording, or dead-air. It's all over at the push of a button, or a double-click.
So blame attaching your feelings based on in-personal connections and the false-romantic interactions you try to substitute for the real-thing. Not just the men you've connected with online. Don't be controlled by loneliness and desperation. They lead you to believe it's the best you can do. They don't always lead to a meeting or a real relationship.
There are far too many lonely people who will accept nothing more than messages as a sign of commitment; but that's pure desperation or delusion. Taking whatever you can get. Settling for anything; because you gave-up trying to find the real-thing. Being receptive to any form of attention by whatever means; and developing your feelings on your imaginary perception of some idealized-persona someone created for you. A character, instead of a real person. Then you're disappointed when they shatter your false-image concocted in your own imagination.
You now generalize and pluralize using the word "men," when you take issue with one man. He doesn't want to be digital pen-pals anymore. He probably met someone, or a new playmate online. Your time was up, but you permaturely fell head over heels; based on nothing more than friendly exchanges of words by text. Sweetheart, where's the warmth and human connection in that? What potential does that really have?
He can be digital pen-pals with a hundred women at a time!
Who really has 3000 friends that they know personally and individually?!! It's pure bull manure to fertilize the ego!
He recognized you feel (fell) far too deeply without actually knowing who he is. That sent him a red-flag about you. You have to know who you're attaching your feelings to, and that really can't start until you've interacted person to person. You can't leave out that vital step, necessary to form human-bonding. He simply had his fill of the imaginary-romance and decided he'd move on. Now you must do the same.
Time to find yourself a reality-based romance. Come-out from hiding behind a screen. Develop feelings based on true human-interaction, and use of your nature-given senses. We humans need reciprocal action or influence to be in-touch with each other in a more natural way. Expose your true personality, don't rely on your online-persona. Your alter-ego. You're a real-woman with feelings and a soul.
Don't attach feelings to men until you've seen and dated each other a few times. Socialize and reach-out beyond words on a screen.
Judge men based on character, personality, and a mutual exchange of human-affection. Keep your feelings to under control, on-hold, and in-place. Wait until you go through more steps to get to the most essential conduits to familiarity. That being introduction and getting acquainted. Then you must evaluate his character as "a person." Not an unseen entity who responds to your messages through a cold hand-held device. Gauging his feelings by the frequency of his text messages. Okay for kids, not us adults.
Get to know people person to person other than online; and judge them on a more human level. Then the intensity and realness of your affections and emotions are justified and rational. Then you can form negative opinions about men based on who we really are, and not your online experiences with total strangers.
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A
female
reader, stillstrong +, writes (25 May 2017):
stillstrong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your insights. I agree I get too invested but that's who I am even in person. I am very open in communicating how I feel and would only do so if I feel safe to do so. I was merely mirroring and giving what he gave. That's why the confusion. I am humiliated because I feel like he knew how much I have been through in past relationships and still did exactly the same. He shut me out without even an explanation and we had agreed to have open communication at all times. I would never have shared my feelings with him if I didn't feel like he wasn't open to it. As for planning to meet. We had spoken of this from the beginning and yes, very difficult to do and keep on doing long term, but we just wanted to meet to see if this would be worth pursuing. It seems as if someone else had come along that was more accessible I guess.. however, we had spoken about that too.. that if either of us had a change of heart we would speak openly about it. We met on an abuse group for crying out loud, and yet.. he did the same as what they state never to do on the group.. the stonewalling/ shutting out etc. I agree that this really was it. I work many long hours and don't get out much I guess... that is one reason it's so easy to be flattered by attention in this form.My self-worth did take a bashing.. hence the humiliation. You would think that with age comes wisdom but in matters of the heart.. it doesn't always apply!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 May 2017):
 I think Denizen has a good point. YOU get WAY too involved with someone you haven't even MET in person. MAYBE you need to be more guarded. And maybe you NEED to look closer to home for a romantic interest. NOT online and far away.
NOT saying that it is all your fault, my guess is HE saw you as a fantasy, an escape, entertainment. NOT a real person. And while it FELT great (probably on both ends) to "live this online fantasy at some point REALITY sets in. Practicality sets in.
HE SHOULD just have told you, hey I'm just looking for fun online, nothing more. THAT way you could have decided if you wanted the same or not. He shouldn't have toyed with you.
I get why you feel humiliated. You thought you HAD something worthwhile building and you really had nothing. You were USED as "entertainment" by some bored guy.
It is true he owes you nothing, you owe HIM nothing. But people who DO these online mind-f#@k games don't CARE that there is a REAL human being at the other end. THIS is why I think NEXT time you should look closer to home for a love interest. SOMEONE single, who can spend time IN person with you, whom you can SIT across from and talk. Someone you can "read" and get to know.
If you instead choose to go online again, hold back before you jump in with both feet. While it might feel like a whirlwind romance YOU are the one ending up hurt. And be realistic. Will there really be a chance to BE together IN person at some point with Mr. X or not? Visiting here and there is great but long term?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2017): You dont need to ask. You explained it quite clearly yourself.Love bombing followed by stonewalling!You dont need that in your life.Its a deadend.The interesting thing for him was the lovebombing.Trying to get you to fever pitch and then dropping you from his great height of the grandiose person he made himself out to be.Then trying to make you feel as if you stepped out of a plane without a parachute!Hurtling to oblivion!Fortunately you had the common sense to cut yourself free from his trap.Now be glad you did so.I think he probably had two or three irons in the fire during the intensive phase and then after he knew you well enough to know your financial assets and liquid cash he swapped to someone he perceived as wealthier.Except she is probably exaggerating and !ove bombing him until she realises that he has limited assets so that she will stonewall him.?And this scenario plays on endlessly, like a chain letter with each person unrealistically aiming for more!You enjoyed yourself in the beginning so you might as well leave it at that because you extricated yourself before any real damage was done!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (25 May 2017):
I think your mistake was to invest too much meaning in an online friendship. Is this the only way you can talk to men?
And where did this sense of humiliation come from? Did you share too much personal stuff over the internet?
To be fair he is right in a sense. He doesn't owe you anything and you do not have any claim on him.
Perhaps he just got bored and was too polite to say. He hoped you would get the message.
From now on, and I mean this in the kindest way, when it comes to romance, get real! It is easier to judge people in the flesh. Online who knows what you get?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2017): The internet is not the best way to meet genuine people. How many more examples does there need to be? Nothing beats the real thing. Go out there and meet people in the real world. Shake their hands, look into their eyes and observe how they smile.Notice how they treat family and those less fortunate than themselves. You will begin to understand a lot. Regarding this particular case, it seems to me like he's been found out by a current girlfriend or spouse. Let it go. He's been wasting your time. Don't let him waste some more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2017): The problem you have is that you meet people on the internet. Newsflash....people lie on the internet all the time.Do you want to get catfished? You are setting yourself up to be.Go places volenteer at places...in other words meet real people.There are places that have minute dating..you could meet many people that way also.Face it you did not really even know this guy...he could have even been a woman for all you know. He also could have been an axe murderer. Get out from behind your computer and meet real people. When you do meet real people background checks are a good thing. Do not jump fast into relationships.Take your time.Get to know the person.On the internet you really do not get that chance.All you get online is what they tell you.Which could be all fake.Please learn from all of this and move forward in a more healthy way.
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