A
male
age
36-40,
*bbergoat
writes:Why can’t I just let her go? That’s what I need to know. WHY?!? I enlisted in the army so I could have a good job, so her mother and father knew I had a good job. We had dated for four years, and on my 20th birthday she leaves me, before I was even out of training. I was (and still am a year + later) crushed. After I got out of AIT (a type of training) I was stationed in Korea. For a year I missed her. She would try and call me and what not. Her family, whom I’m really tight with, told me that she was dating my mortal enemy, my nemesis if you will. I despise this person more than anything you can think of. Then I hear that she has become a drunk and is doing all these things that she knows that she is better than. She called me once telling me that this guy (MY Nemesis) tried to hit her. She also tells me that she still loves me. When I came home, I saw her.... for the first time in over a year I felt whole.... unbroken... alive. She seemed... over me.Now I’m at my new station, across the country from her. Yet, when I close my eyes, I see her face; when I dream, I dream of her and I hear her voice, and again... its like I don’t feel, I’m no longer whole. Its like I’m trapped in my own life.It's affecting my everyday life. For instance, the other day I was hit on by a girl that I thought was very attractive. She commented on my shoes and I got all clammy and just told her that I had just gotten back from Korea. As for me trying to talk to girls.... if I even see a girl that I think is attractive, if we make eye contact, I have a mild panic attack. I just want to be able to get better before I go to Iraq... if anything should happen, and I do die it’s like for the last year I didn’t even live.Please help me.
View related questions:
crush, drunk, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): My heart goes out to you and the first poster, debfamunit (and others). Love is definitely much better when the person loves you back. That is commonly not always the case.
Keep loving her, love feels good. If you cant eventually accept her happiness, then you truly don't love her. There is something else keeping you tied to her. As I understand it, the feeling where there is only one girl for you goes back to when humans were very scarce, and there were only one or two (maybe a few more) mates to choose from. That feeling had to be programmed into us, or we would have gone extinct.
It is an uncontrollable primal fear for humans. It seems like "the end of the world", if you will, for a reason lost long ago. Since we know this we can learn, and reason that life is still very good. Like the song says "If you can't be with the one you love; love the one you're with".
Soon the heart ache to see her happier without you will go away, and this whole experience with her will make you happy, too. That is how you become a better person from this. Anything that happened in the past is gone, and now you are in a place where you are confused. You will figure it out.
There is most likely other things that make you feel you need her. I can tell you, I personally have gone through it, and I would bet you didn't need those things before you met her. I bet your view on women were different back then, too. Try to remember who you were and what it was like. I realized this when I lost me first love in a time in my life where I was very into philosophy and finding happiness and my self identity... I did't know how others can settle working at a place they hate. But, if you hate your job now, won't you eventually hate the next job you get? I know you hated you job before the one you have, and the one before that. Learn to love what you have now, nothing is forever. Keep looking at tomorrow as the next day you get to do what ever your heart desires.
A
female
reader, debfamunit +, writes (14 June 2008):
Wow, I read your entry and cried. I am 45 and shouldn't be able to relate but I can. I isolated myself from a man for a year and a hald and still he is the only man I see myself with... I have been out on several dates and cannot connect with anyone at all it seems. I dated him on and off for 4 years and you would think I would be over it by now. I am not... I am embarassed... I can only hope that time will make this whole thing go away. I loved him more then he loved me and it seems the same with you. I hate being on that end. It leaves you vulnerable and the other person in control it seems anyway. I keep on moving forward but my heart seems stuck. Personally, I think my brain is stuck and needs jolt! I am a fairly cute girl and haven't really ever been quite this stuck. I just wanted to reply to let you know your not alone. Your not going to die. I have cancer, Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, which is uncurable basically. I might die before you! Live and let die and do what you need to do for yourself. It's you that has to go to sleep and be OK with yourself at night. God bless you, my heart goes out for you...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): you obviously really love this girl and i dont think that any amount of time is gonna make you completley get over her or forget her.
it doest help that she is contacting u and telling u that she loves u and all the rest. its not fair on u and is pretty selfish of her. if she cared about u she would respect u enough to not contact u enabling u to get over her.
it is hard to completley cut someone out of ur life, especailly when u no the family and u have been with them for so long. but if u do want to get over her then u are just going to have to cut all ties and contact. once u do that u will start to enjoy being single.
...............................
A
male
reader, cnew +, writes (31 March 2008):
As a man from a divorce, it can be very difficult. I have the same exact panic attacks. I think the attractive find the panic unattractive or really sloppy. Drinking is her personal issue and maybe she is having some. Her commitment is obviously flawed. The attempt assault from the man seems strange. Perhaps its true, but there is always 2 sides of the coin. Ordinary people tend to twist bend and exploit the honesty of a situation especially the victim. Depending on the age, will depend on the severity of the dishonesty. You have to learn to move on and it may take some time. I know with my last failed relationship it took me two years. I do not think you mean to her what she means to you, and there is a famous saying "You can not make someone a priority if they only make you an option". I live strongly by this rule, and you should also. My important lesson from my last relationship was its not always about the looks but the person inside. Perhaps you are not comfortable with someone with great looks and this is why you have the mild panic. Thats what I have concluded for myself.
As a man from the divorce I thought it was the worst thing in the world. Now I have come to understand it is beyond my control and I would not be where I am today (successful) if it was not for that life change. Your higher power has a plan for you, so ride the waves of life and don't drag yourself through the mud over it. Negative events are not always about bad times, your just not seeing the immediate effect.
...............................
|
