A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts,I've been with my fiance for just about three years now, wedding is planned for 11 months from now. He is perfect for me in almost every way, and I for him. He was in a real bad place for many years prior to meeting me. He was still hung up on an ex (obsessed for a while) when we first met but at this point hasn't spoken to her for over a year. Our only hangup (for me) is the passion and sex... or lack thereof. He isn't very passionate, or good at being intimate. He barely initiates and when he does, he does all the wrong stuff. He hasn't taken any of my non-verbal or verbal cues with doing stuff I like to do (sexually). I feel like he's a 15yo boy grouping around in my panties I always have to guide him. He never calls me sexy, or looks at me lustfully, it's more of, 'time for sex' when it does happen. I've brought it up outside of the bedroom about the lack of sex (or exciting sex) and he says he's perfectly satisfied and isn't that interested in 24/7 sex now that he's older (only 34). Our kissing style is completely different and he always has bad breath. I've tried many different 'gentle' approaches: gum, mouthwash, mints, 'sweety, let's brush first', and I feel like I'm becoming a nag. I've suggested we have a night of 'kissing' and he seems up for it, but then he gets weird about it night of, and things get awkward.Our sex was pretty good in the first couple months, I figured it was going to get better (figuring each other out). I've really tried for the last year and a half. But, now comes my biggest problem... me. He made a comment last month about a flat chested girl that was ugly saying she had nothing going for her. I've let this get to me so much that I'm about to throw this all away. I'm an A/B cup... but his ex, she's like C/D. He told me he was a butt guy, but his ex went a little crazy and sent me a transcript of his chats to his friends about a year ago. I never told him because I didn't want it to get back to her that I was affected by it. He's never been with someone as small as me, that we had different boobs by a wide, wide margin. He said she was gorgeous and only calls me pretty, he was so sexual with her, and kinky/crazy. Where as with me, he's more gentle and says he's done with that stage of his life and is ready for a wife, not a hot/dirty gf. I can't get this stuff out of my head, I've become so insecure and started to wonder if his lack of sex drive this whole time was because he's not as attracted to me. I'm starting to think back to this stuff because I've been so unsatisfied and I'm slowly becoming less attracted to him and more uncomfortable. Please don't say 'well he picked you and he loves you', because I know that's true. But why can't I have both love and passion from the guy I'm going to marry... isn't that the way it's supposed to be? Thanks Aunts.
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female
reader, Cripes  +, writes (9 February 2013):
Oh my, this is such a difficult dilemma. What I would worry is that he's not making you feel good about yourself or sexy. In fact, he's making you feel ugly and unattractive, which is never good. Skip forward a few years, imagine you've been married for a year and some dude suddenly comes along that treats you like you're sex on toast... after being starved of sexual attention for that long, that will be pretty hard to resist, mostly because you've forgotten what it feels like to feel like you're an attractive, desirable woman.
Were these chats written when you were together? What was the content of them? They worry me a little.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 February 2013):
 Well I'm smaller than any woman my hubby ever had but I'm a hot sexy wife....
and I'll kiss him with bad breath or BO any day of the week...
he's a jerk but he's my jerk and i love him
yes he picked you but he may have settled for what he thinks is the right thing to do
and for the comment about the flat chested woman you deemed ugly... maybe it' wasn't the lack of boobs that made him say that... you're projecting your own feelings onto his statements.
Personally if you are so unhappy that you have a laundry list of things, I would strongly rethink this settling..
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 February 2013):
 I think you need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to walk down that aisle - eleven months from now - and pledge yourself to "'til death do us part" in the life that you have now previewed....
Believe me.... NOBODY "changes" for somebody else..... so the sexual/sensual/intimate goings-on that you have now are very likely those that you will have for the indduration of your marriage (which I predict will be brief)....
..AND sexual/sensual/intimate compatibility is AT LEAST as important, in a marriage, as are love, lust, economic, energy, educational and all those other "traditional" compatibilities that we all seek in our partners....
You have a serious decision to make... and only you can make it...
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2013): I've been married for 3 years and trust me when I say that the sex is NOT like it is in the movies. I always expected it to be hot and steamy. I would moan his name and he would moan mine. Well...it was never like that for me. I did however learn that having a satisfying sex life goes both ways. As a woman, you have to work yourself into orgasm, just like a man works himself up to one. Arching your back and grinding upwards helps. It's also better if you're the one controlling the pace. As for being flat chested, I wouldn't worry about that. If you're tiny for your stature, then an A/B cup is an acceptable cup size. My sister had breast implants a couple years ago. It turns out that the cup size is NOT what matters. A - C cup on someone who weighs 200 lbs is larger than a C up on someone who weighs 120. Stinky breath? Yup...I deal with that too. I always require a fresh mouth before we have sex, but my husband knows and expects that of me. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with it, just make it a requirement. Either that, or make him get you from behind. Now, about those feelings you're having about questioning your marriage...I'd worry about that. I'm younger than you are and I've recently been having questions about whether my husband and I want the same things out of life. I guess it's never too late, but I'm already married. You still have time to back out, so if you're questioning whether or not you're meant to be together...it's not to late to do something about it. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, themagentskie +, writes (8 February 2013):
 In your shoes when it comes to my boyfriend. You have an amazing person in front of you, but the passion isn't exactly there. My previous boyfriend was freaking astounding in the bedroom. So I certainly do miss the kinks of that. I would honestly speak to him about the bedroom issues, after doing the deed. I nagged to my boyfriend how little he contribute to my needs. After that, he was much more attentive. Quite honestly, you have to be satisfied, not just emotionally, but physically. That's what contributes to a successful relationship.
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