A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiWhy do women even the one who are financially way independent keep on stay in an abusive relationship. My bf for one always and keeps on abuses me emotionally, never show his affection, always makes me wonder whether im imagining things. Even after sex he says he would have had a nice time even with a stranger, as if he just needs any hot body over there.Always says im avg looking, no one would have given a second look at me, i am old (he is younger to me), keeps on talking about his marriage to a hot young girl.I know i should leave him, but i couldnt. i just want to be with him till it lasts. Everytime i bring up the courage to leave him, he convinces me or sometimes just doesnt care, which makes me go begging after him. What is wrong with me, why cant i have the spine to leave him, is this love. It looks sick even to me. Please help me Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Trust me...I've seen this behavior many times. He doesn't own you...men don't own women. He just knows how to press your buttons, and you're letting him. If a guy were secure, he wouldn't have to try to break you down.
Guys who feel insecure and want to grab control do things like this. This isn't the actions of a guy who "owns" a woman. This is the actions of a guy who wants to desperately hold onto a woman he thinks will catch wise and and leave him if she finds someone better than him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Why do you even TALK to him about leaving? Why not pack your bags and get the heck out of Dodge?
Best thing you can do is separate yourself. Get your ducks in a row.
IF you are on the lease remove your name, if you are on any of the bills remove your name _ (like water/ electric/ cable/ insurance) if he has access to your bank account REMOVE him. And if he's EVER used your CC/Debit card, have a new one ordered. Change your number. Make sure you have ALL your papers with your SSN/personal info as well.
Find a place you can afford ALL by yourself. once you have gotten a lease/rental place - PACK your stuff and move. If you both work, take a day off so you can do it while he is gone. That way he isn't there to influence you.
Leave him a note saying it's over dickwad.
And THEN you start living! Take some time to focus on you, get yourself over this craptastic guy. ENJOY life honey, it's too short NOT to.
You CAN do it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Because you're a woman and we men own you. Simple as that.
Now the ladies can all cast me down all they like but you're proof that it's true. He's stronger than you emotionally, you're not even nearly as independent as you like to think because he does in fact own you like a piece of property.
I mean if I'm wrong then why are you still with a guy you know you shouldn't be with?
Why are one quarter of all women who are in relationships in ones in which they are being abused?
Simple we own you, if that's not the case then go prove me wrong.
I have to disagree with YouWish, he doesn't feel lucky to have you or he would treat you like a princess. He just knows he owns you and that you're easy and are too weak to leave. It's more about the power and control, and the ego boost that provides than it is about you being amazing.
You know what's hilarious? I actually think your problem is probably the most common issue I find with women in your situation, the "treat 'em mean, keep them keen" one.
You see you talk about not leaving because you want to see it through, sounds to me like you just don't want to admit failure and want so badly to make this work just because it's not. I actually think if he suddenly changed his ways and became a better man to you, you'd actually get bored of him and walk away but as it stands you're not going to.
Now I'm not an abuser nor do I ever belittle the girls I'm with or intentionally try to make them feel bad but you know what? It's the times I am pissed off with them or acting like an asshole or being cold and disinterested that they very often want me the most, they'll have done absolutely nothing wrong but just the fact that they feel bad makes me irresistible. I used to sleep around quite a lot and you know what the most effective thing I found for getting a woman? Being cold to her, showing a bit of interest then taking it away it's gas. You see they'd have guys approaching them trying to seduce them and chat them up all night, all it took was for me to show a small bit of interest then take it away and suddenly they wanted me to prove to themselves they could have me.
I sound cocky as hell don't I? I mean completely full of myself, well how do you think he feels knowing he has complete domination over you? Total and utter control and all he has to do is sweet talk you with words and you#ll stop moaning.
I'm not going to advise you to do anything OP, you either can rise above him and rise above the games he plays and my opinion of girls or you can just be the proof you are in fact just a piece of property to us guys.
One final thing OP and I don't say this to make you feel bad or to take your power away, but he's not lucky to have you. How is it lucky to have person who can't bring themselves to leave? You're a given, you're not going anywhere he can take you for granted and treat you however he wishes, there's nothing lucky about having a woman who can't stand up for herself or ensure she has her needs met.
Lucky OP is finding a woman with courage, conviction and strength. Lucky is finding an equal not a love slave that will let us treat her like dirt. Lucky is being able to keep a woman who you know can leave if you mess things up or treat her wrong. That's the kind of woman who is lucky to have, not one who stays to fight for your love when you've made it obvious to her that you think you can have better.
You really need to find an equal OP not a boss and you really need to learn that you have to show a guy he's lucky to have you by making him earn you, this guy just gets to have you without actually having to be any good.
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A
female
reader, Sassy78 +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Ok so you said it yourself he's not a good.dick lol..(in the scence that all men can be..just as us women can be bitches..but he souds like a straight a Dick..you need to think better.of yourself he.knows you can get better.thats why he puts u down..its a manipulation
method..so you wont go he is the one with major deep deep issues he needs help cause your not 1st or last girl he will treat this way..anyone deserves better..how could you stay iwith a man who treats you that way ..only you can answer that..an if you read what you wrote but by some1 else what advise would you give them? If you end it you end it block calls etc..so you wont go back to listening to his pathetic voice cause you will b wrak at 1 st but as time goes on without contact..you'll be suprised how strong you are an wont look at him the same after a while his ignoring u or boo whoing will just be such a turn off..you'll see..good luck..
i
im
sure your not the 1stn wont be the bladt he treats that way..believe me...been thete..you need to end it when possible..take a night out with some good positive friends he
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A
female
reader, Bitterlysweet +, writes (14 August 2012):
 We could all siy here and tell you to leave him, even you know it's wrong. Knowing that it's wrong is one thing, but knowing that it's wrong and DOING something about it is another. I'm going to put it straight and simple. Leave him, he isn't offering you love, he's humilliating you and that is NOT right and it's NOT healthy at ALL! Hr will brake your self esteem so bad and it will take you years to go back to who you are. Leave him. You can do it and if you don't do it that is honestly your problem you just want him to keep hurting you. You deserve better and precious, I can say it but it's on YOU to believe it.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Sounds like you definitely have a fear of some sort- fear of being alone is what I would guess... I've been there, and I know several people who stay in relationships (not necessarily mentally abusive ones like yours), because they are scared to be alone, fearing they won't find someone else. All I can say is SNAP OUT OF IT! You deserve better, you know in your heart you deserve better. You just need to follow up your thoughts and feelings with actions and dump this guy. You need to decide that you are done with him- once and for all. You might be lonely for awhile, but a little loneliness is a hell of a lot better than sticking around with a guy like this. He will not change, and the relationship will not get any better. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can find a healthy, loving relationship you deserve. Perhaps seek counseling if you feel you need more support or someone to help you through this process. My counselor has helped me greatly in realizing that I will be ok, even if it means I'll be on my own for awhile. Besides, new doors can't open for you until you close this one, once and for all. You can do it! (Also, what has helped me in the past is reading the book It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt, the guy who wrote He's Just Not That Into You). It's a very realistic, common sense approach to getting over assholes and dead-end relationships.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 August 2012):
Here's the thing. He *knows* you're fantastic. He *knows* that you're financially independent, beautiful, smart, and that he's lucky to have you. However, he is afraid that the only way he can keep both you and the balance of "power" in your relationship is to break you down. It's a ruse to keep you off-balance, exploit your weakness, and keep you with him.
He's hoping you never catch wise and realize that you can do so much better than him, and drop him. Why can't you have the spine to leave him, in your words? That's also easy. He's broken you down successfully, plus you can't bear to feel rejection from him. Look at it this way -- YOU are rejecting him, not the other way around. You have to stand up for yourself, recognize the cheap emotional put-downs when he tries them, and most of all, you *must* believe that he's lucky to have you and not the other way around.
Next time he tries the "I would have a good time with a stranger" or the marriage to a hot young girl, tell him "You just got your wish" and throw him out. Then ignore everything else. Throw him out.
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