A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Long winded ex-wife question...Background... Husband divorced from ex-wife couple of years ago, they have a young son together who I treat as my own, we have joint custody, however, due to the distance (she lives 300 miles away) we only get to see him every other weekend and split holidays.Ex-wife can be spiteful and uses son as a weapon against my husband, which I hate, says things like '" if you speak to me like that again, you'll not see son this weekend etc" they do not have a great relationship at all. He very much hates her for her infidelity and for splitting up their family. She also has a daughter by another man who died last year.My first dilemma is that the ex-wife 'fancied a night out on my hen party'. This evening meant she travelled nearly 120miles away from her home town with a group of 4 friends, to a place where she has no friends living local, just so happening to be on my hen night. I did see her and pleasantries were very briefly exchanged. The only way she could have found out where we were going was from my mother in law. Thankfully, I did not see her again, however his brings me to my second dillemma. The relationship that she has with my mother in law. It is close, however, MIL is somewhat 2 faced about how she views her ex-daughter-in-law, she will moan, call her names etc in front of us, yet has invited her in holiday with my step son and his half sister, phones her regulary, discusses her grandson without his fathers knowing (she read school report before he did). I appreciate that she wants to spend time with her grandson but I can't help feeling quite upset and angry about this, as my husband and I were not invited. The relationship between my husband and his mother is strained at the best of times, due to financial reasons when we have his son, he stays at his parents house with him, as do I ( I have my own house but it is not suitable to bring a child into due to its location and current building work). We are in the process of buying a house to live as a family in but this arrangement has been so since their split. His mother rarely sees her grandson whilst he is with us at the weekends because we get so fed up of her mollycuddling him, spoiling him and generally going against all of our rules... Ie) no cola, no sweets after 6pm, set routine bed times, pizza as a treat and not every day etc, we constantly feel undermined by her behaviour but whilst we are living under their roof I feel we cannot be in a position to state our feelings. So generally my dillemma is... Am I being naieve towards their relationship, am i wrong to be angry, how do I deal with it? I am always pleasant to mother in law and did genuinely want to build a relationship with her but the 2 faced thing really upsets me as I know knowledge of mine and husbands life is being shared with ex-wife. I don't feel like I can trust MIL anymore because if she is 2 faced to ex-wife I imagine she is doing the same to me. Is she perhaps just using ex-wife to see her grandson? She treats his half sister like her own blood, sharing beds etc (girl is 4 now and very sweet) I'm confused as to how to proceed, my husband and I are on the same wavelength, he is upset and angry, like me at their behaviour. So if anybody has any tips on dealing with an awkward ex-wife/MIL dillemma, please give me some advice...
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female
reader, NoSCreen  +, writes (15 August 2012):
I think its good that your mother in law does not make a difference between her grandson and his sister. They are just children and it wouldn't be nice if there was a difference made.
The problems your husband has with his ex wife is not your mother in laws concern, it was their personal relationship. It's better if she remains civil to his ex wife even for the sake of her Grandchild. Even if you don't like her I'm sure his son would not like you saying bad things about his mother, kids grow older and remember this stuff.
I think you should let it be, let your mother in law and husband ex wife have a relationship it will be beneficial in the end and it is her home.
She should respect your husbands ground rules though.
Maybe better to build bridges with the ex wife in the long term have to think how it will affect the children.
Life is short, why live it with bitterness and anger. Your husband has moved on no point in hanging on to what she did.
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