A
female
age
36-40,
*ittlediva
writes:2 years ago now my first love walked out on me to be with another girl. We had been together since the age of 16. It was a very troubled break up which was dragged out for around 9 months following the first time he walked out... he was coming back and forth between me and the other girl. I became very ill and lost a lot of weight, I thought I'd never find anyone else. Around 12 months ago I had simply had enough of him, I changed my number and told him if he ever came near me again I'd take legal action... I wanted him out of my life that much because of how he had completely ruined me. He stayed with the other girl and I heard through mutual friends they had become engaged to be married.In August of last year I met my current boyfriend. He is a lovely caring genuine man and all that I've ever wanted. He has a wonderful career, great morals and a lovely family too. He was everything my ex wasn't! I am totally and completely in love with him! Naturally I have always thought about my ex, we live in a small city and I cannot understand after all this time how i havent even bumped into him, ive seen just about every single one of his friends and his gf on several occasions but never him! I know he still lives and works here because I still see a lot of his mother (i lived with him and his mum for 3 years) He was my first love and I'll always had deepseeded feelings for him but at the same time hatred for what he did to me. About a week ago I had a dream about him and now I just can't get him off my mind I just want to talk to him and ask him why??? I know that seeing him wouldn't make me feel any better but I just want to see him again. I love my boyfriend and I'd never want to take my ex back but when I look back over the years and remember our teens together I just want a piece of it back - at the time I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him, and I guess that despite all he did I still love him in one way and I'm hurt hes marrying someone else. I'm in a mess of what to do...Thanks guys x
View related questions:
engaged, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Perhaps your relationship with your dad wasn't so good, and your ex fits your relationship 'map' better than your current BF. In other words, your ex is more like your dad than your current BF. We tend to be attracted to our opposite gendered parent. But that doesn't mean your ex is the better choice. The one you have now definitely sounds better for you.
A
female
reader, Kassi (Nova)  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 I feel so echoed in your situation. I met my ex when I was 16, and was with him for 6 years. He cheated on me and kicked me out of my own house while I was in a coma in the hospital so that she could move into our apartment. I lost everything, and had to start over. Now I'm on my feet, with an amazing guy and getting married in 5 months.
Yet, I think about my ex a lot. I don't miss him, I don't want him back. The urge to know why, to tell him how much he ruined my life, the urge to speak and be heard and let him know what he did to me is overwhelming. My breakup, too, was prolonged for months and very emotionally hard. I, too, was sick and lost a lot of weight. I had to be on disibility for months because of how poorly my health was doing.
People keep telling me to hold on and ride it out and wait for the urge to fade. After all, after everything he did to me, will it change anything? Will it make me feel better? Will he even answer me? Will he even listen? He didn't listen when it would have counted, why would he now? It's a hard thing to let go when so much of you was invested in it.
All I can say is that you closed a door on this guy quite some time ago (for me, it's been 2 years), and determined that you were going to move on and make a better life for yourself. And you have! Awesome! Don't bring that crap back into your life by reopening the door. It may take years for you to really heal the wounds he made in you. Give yourself more time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): I don't want you to do what I did, I held to my first love, in my heart for many years, and it held me back from being happy, Do not throw away your happiness that you have found now for the sake of a man from the past that wasn't right for you.
Your ex is your ex leave him in the past and what ever you do, DO NOT make contact with him, he won't have any answers because they aren't any, and all it will do is confuse you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 Good post!
I love it when the story is well written and complete. Thank you.
Now for an answer. We are, or rather our personalities are, a gestalt of the experiences we have had. This includes especially the strongest emotions we have experienced. Love and Hate are among the strongest. These will always be part of you. Feeling lingering emotions for a past relation is not an indication of infidelity in the new relationship. These feeling help you to make wiser decisions in the new relationship and in the future. You have some lingering doubts. You want to know if there was something you should have done better. It is natural to think that we personally are responsible for everything that happened. When deep down we know that there are many factors.
You are happy in your current state. He is avoiding seeing you. He may feel guilty over his actions, or he may just want to avoid a confrontation. It is not likely that he could give you a good answer to why he did what he did. He seems to have moved on as successfully as you did.
Then you had a triggering event. You had a dream with him in it and it triggered the strong emotions you hold for him, both hate and love. The problem is you don't understand what that means. Most dreams are symbolic, very few are prophetic. In the dream your ex boyfriend was a symbol that your subconscious used to represent your past. It could have been a warning or advice. Your resurgences of feelings is an echo of your earlier emotions. The Echo is stronger because you have not had to deal with seeing him.
On to the advice. The dream was probably trying to tell you something that you are having trouble seeing. It's profound effect on your thoughts indicates this. There is likely something in your current relationship that is reminding you of your previous (ex) relationship. The dream is a caution flag. You are afraid that the same thing will happen to you again because you see, subconsciously, a pattern that happened before. There may be some other symbols in the dream that will help you identify it. Dreammoods.com is helpful to me in this. Examine your current relationship see if there is something that is making you uncomfortable.
I don't really think you are in a mess. Put your energy into your current relationship.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): What you do is either stay with your current man, or be single again for a while. Dreaming of an ex can mean that you are afraid to commit again. It can also mean that since you heard about him getting married, you remember the dreams you had for him and you to get married (as you said you thought you'd have a future with him).
I still dream about my latest ex. I can admit that I do miss him, I miss the friendship we had. But that friendship is long gone and we do not speak to each other any more. Just like you I live in a small town but haven't seen my ex is years.. I wonder how they manage to hide so well? Hahaha, it doesn't matter though. If it comforts you your ex is probably stuck in a basement playing WoW or something and thats why you never see him.
Attempting to see him again when your feelings are all a mess is a bad idea though! Do not attempt to meet him again before you are absolutely certain of yourself and what you want in life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): You met this first love when you were at the tender age of 16 when you were sold a bill of goods that love lasts forever, your knight in shining armour will fall in love with you and you were meant to be together.
Well you learned that life isn't so simple and love is not a feeling darling. Love is a conscious decision to be a person worthy of love to put the beloveds needs above your own. And it has everything to do with commitment.
It was the wrong time in his life to be committed to you for the rest of his life...it simply was not a relationship that was born between two fully developed adults. You were kids.
Instead of being hurt and angry that he is marrying someone else, remember the important part he played in your life, that you learned you had a lot of love to give and that you were a person worthy of love. If you really cared for him, then be happy for him that he has found his own way and a woman that he is willing to be committed to.
Your dilemma is that you are letting his rejection of you or the end of your relationship "define" who you are and that he deemed you not worthy. Well no other human being on the face of the planet can decide that about you. If you believe in a higher power or not, you were born to be here and God does not make junk.
Forgive this guy for the hurt feelings your break up caused because it was dramatic and painful, probably because he did care for you deeply and it just wasn't going to be because of the fact that you met each other so young in your lives. He didn't do it on purpose. Remember the good times and most of all let go.
No one can take your memories away from you, not even your current boyfriend. Just remember when you are an old lady of 90 and your husband is long gone, you will be sitting in your rocking chair thinking of all the loves you have had in your life and a warm smile will cross your lips.
That's life.
...............................
|
