A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I am posting here because I am very confused and do not know where to turn to for some advice.After a relatively long dry spell (after a tough break-up), I have come to a point where I meet plenty of ladies. However, nothing ever happens in the end as I cannot bring myself to act flirty. I usually get 1, 2 or 3 dates and they then lose interest in me. Even though I have read all many seduction tips and advice (so-called PUA – pick-up artistry), I cannot bring myself to do even simple things such as touch the girl's hair/cheek/arm. For some reason, I always think that these gestures are inappropriate or that the timing is off. Things drag on and the girl gets bored. This is a recurrent problem with all of my dates.The irony is that I can do these things all the time to girls who are simply platonic friends (I do know them better, so I probably feel more comfortable being playful). I am also a bit introverted and it takes me a bit to show my true personality (as I also need to assess whether the other person is worth my trust). However, once I open up, everybody loves my personality. I am an interesting guy and can discuss for hours with my female friends. I also love teasing them. If I know them a bit better, I do not hesitate pinching or tickling them jokingly. With my ex, we were cuddling together all the time.I realize my problem is that I do not make myself appear as a sexual being. Girls keep seeing me as a “boy” and therefore have no interest in developing a relationship. All the books and websites say that I need to be proactive and show interest (through touching essentially). I agree that this is essential but I always find that the timing or situation is not appropriate to make a move. What usually happens is that even though everything seems to be going well, I feel that acting flirty would come out of the blue and freak her out in the end (too direct, too obvious). This does not necessarily come from a fear of rejection. It’s more that it doesn’t feel right, the timing is off, the mood is not there, the girl is not receptive anymore, etc. It is then almost impossible to make a move without not looking awkward.Is my problem that I wait too much, that I lose my momentum? The thing is that I am not sure I want to enter in a LTR right from the start. I like taking things slow and get to know the girl first; and I then decide if I will make a move or not (but it is too late by then). Then again, my mistake could also be that I build too much comfort between us and I am simply seen as a friend.I have read and been told that attraction is something that fades with time and that the whole seduction process must be done during the 3 first dates, otherwise it’s usually a lost cause. I have experienced this to some extent and I can see how it is true. However, if it comes down to this, is my situation then hopeless…?The only solution I have temporarily found is resorting to “artifices” (they call them “routines” in PUA language), where a guy makes the girl pass a psychology test (it’s about knowing about oneself through allegories – girls usually love these tests) and use it an opportunity to build attraction. I have tried it a couple of times on some girls and it worked wonders. They were completely under my charm. I frankly do not like resorting to such techniques, but it may be a way for me to overcome my difficulties and act flirtier. I focus on the storytelling and completely forget about the stress of flirting… Any thoughts or piece of advice on my situation would be particularly welcome.Many thanks in advance!
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 in my opinion, i just truly believe the right chemistry hasn't been there between you and these prospective women. if it were, it would play itself out naturally. these women would maintain interest in your personality and want to know more and more and want to continue after 3 dates. and it would feel natural and comfortable to touch them or at least even just a subtle touch on the leg. as the other female anonymous poster mentioned - just be yourself. as women, we can see straight through bs. we can tell if you're sincere or not. and we can tell when you're not being yourself. and it's awkward. women are attracted to confidence and self-assuredness. just be you. even if that is a bit quiet and reserved. i wouldn't see that as a problem necessarily. women appreciate not being fed lines and groped. and if a man touched my cheek (i'm gay, hard to imagine), i'd probably want to laugh cause i'd think it was cheesy as hell and really incredibly fake.
i'm not a guy, but i'm a chick who dates women. and one thing that has always worked for me with women is subtlety. i'm a very playful person by nature. so i joke and poke playful fun and occasionally subtly touch the other person, either on the leg or arm, when i'm interested and being flirtatious. but nothing over the top. just very casual and playful. it's not fake and awkward like stroking their hair or touching their cheek. that would feel so incredibly awkward. so i see why you're saying it doesn't work for you. you've just got to find your flirting style. maybe some dudes can pull off the whole cassanova crap with touching cheeks and junk. and some weird women will fall for it. however, that doesn't seem to suit you. you say you like to be playful with your friends, etc. so perhaps you're like me and would best be suited to flirt by being playful.
when the chemistry is there, you'll know it and feel it. don't be afraid to turn your body towards her and touch her lightly occasionally in passing. just subtly let her know you're into her. and at the end of the night, i hate to say it, but man up and kiss her. it may be hard to get the guts, and i feel ya. it's not easy. but if the date went well and the chemistry was there, you should know by the end of the night. don't let it slip through your fingers and get friend-zoned. just do it. that way she knows you're into her. anyway, good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): I personally think the whole PUA thing is tacky as hell and it was a complete turn-off to me when I discovered that a prospective partner was into that (I didn't find it out from him.) I didn't go on another date with the guy.
Be yourself. That's the easiest way to feel comfortable talking to someone. Besides, if you're looking for a lasting relationship you want the girl to fall for you and not some fake persona. Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (16 September 2013):
Become more flirty is a skill which can be learned. Some can come by it naturally others have to work at it.Nothing is inpossible. It took me a while to learn that skill but i learned it on line and on different dating sites.Once i got some contacts i continued my flirting skills with several different women and they were fine with it because i was up front and completely honest. I am no Ryan Gosling but i was not afraid to post my picture on different sites and the reaction was wide and varied. Try this it might work for you. I cant say. I also find that do not bull shit in your flirting because it will come back to haunt you later unless you have a academy award in acting. Good-luck..
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 September 2013):
 Sounds to me like you need to get a copy of my pamphlet: "How to confirm that you are a man, with Y chromosomes and bubbling-over testosterone... and how to use that to get girls to remove their clothes and get in bed with you"
In it, you will learn all the details that you need to reverse this terrible change of fate that you have experienced.....
Good luck....
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