A
male
age
41-50,
*ATTYL149
writes:I'm 34 (not far off 35) and my experiences of relationships are very minimalI've been in one short term relationship over four years ago, and have been on one date since. I've been on a dating site for over five years, and I've had two messages sent to me, and one of those led to that dateAlthough she wasn't necessarily my type, I did find her sort of attractive. We chatted on WhatsApp for six or seven hours everyday, until I got to the point where I was running out of things to say. I'm not necessarily the most chatty person, and come across as shy, and small talk is definitely not my strongest pointApart from her being late for the date, after already postponing it by a week (we chatted during this time), I felt it went OK, although there wasn't necessarily a lot of chemistry. She wanted to go to the cinema, which is not really the best place to go for a first date. We had planned to go for food after, but this was mentioned a few days earlier, and if you aren't happy being with someone, why prolong the experience after the date. I walked her back to the station, and when I mentioned going out again, she immediately said as friends, which we all know means, I don't ever want to see you againMy relationship I had was awkward. Firstly, I had never been in one before, and rather than admit that and seem abnormal, I said I'd been in some short term relationships previously. Secondly, having not been in one before, I didn't know what to do. I was 30 at the time, and I felt like I was expected to know how to be in a relationshipI was still a virgin (and am to this day), and my excuse for not being sure what to do was that it had been a while since I had sex previously. I didn't want to admit I was a virgin, much like I don't mention it to anyone know, because I feel ashamed, and also abnormal. How can anyone get to my age, and not have had one sexual experience. In fact, I hadn't even kissed a girl up until that relationshipAfter that ended, I left it a while, and that grew into four years, up to where I am now. It is even more difficult now that I'm even older. I'm unable to make the first move/approach or chat anyone up, due to a lack of confidence, self belief and just not knowing what to say. I don't bother because I don't think that any girl is interested in me, or that she would just want to be friendsOn the dating site, I've sent countless messages out, and not got one reply, and I've got to the point where I don't think it's worth the bother. I'm not particularly good looking, and as soon as they see my picture, they probably just delete my message. I have had one message recently, but when someone has to tell you under every photo, and multiple times in their profile that they are a woman and not a bloke, then even though I'm getting to the point of desperation, I know I have a cut off pointThere is a girl at work who I was sort of interested in, and she sent me a message, and we chatted for a bit. I didn't instigate anything and she made all the moves. When I mentioned my age, it put her off, as I'm ten years older. Her department went out for a works do (I'm in a different team) and I found out through a female friend, that this girl fancied someone who I work with. She knows he's been married for ten years and has two kids, and is four years older than me, so I know now that age wasn't the issueI know that there are no girls that fancy me, and as I'm getting older, it gets not only harder to meet people, but also to explain my previous experience. Anyone I'm likely to meet who's not in a relationship, have no doubt been in more than one, or a long term oneI've got to the point where I know I'm going to be 45 and in the same situation. It's not so much being a virgin that bothers me, although I would like to have sex at least once in my life, but it's that I want to be part of a couple, and I'm starting to get depressed about being singleI'll leave it at that for the moment, as this message is getting quite long
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at work, confidence, depressed, girl at work, I work with, my ex, shy, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 do not give up hope
first of all looks are not what's hurting you it's your attitude... you can't help it but it's the truth... the more confident and friendly a man is the better.
BE confident that you are a catch... seriously women that only are going to care about looks are not the women you want.
secondly what you deem as ugly I might find cute... my husband is not very tall, he wears his hair too short... he's myopic as all get out and can't see past his nose without his glasses... he dresses overly comfortable and casual... his teeth need work so his smile is crooked and goofy.. but to me I see him and I get all warm and fuzzy inside and I WANT this goofy looking guy.... I don't care if my friends think he's goofy looking, he's handsome to me.
and I am beautiful to him... even with a stooped crippled back and middle aged flab and wrinkles and gray....
there is a cover for every pot.... you just have to be willing to look for your pot/cover.. and accept that if your pot is a bit warped, then your cover may be warped to fit that.
what we say in our home is "my broken fits your crazy" and it would not work for most but it works for us.
Now here's more hope...
my husband while not a virgin at 37 when I met him had had ONE short term relationship before me... he sucked at relationships... he still does but we work on it daily...
we married when he was 39 (to my 52) and it works for us
our friends who just celebrated their first anniversary married (first time for both) when the bride was 40 and the groom was 52!
NEVER give up hope.
But I would strongly suggest that if you can't see any reasons why women would want to date you that you get into some good self-esteem building therapy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): You are in the prime of your life, and it's time to seize the day!You've had some great tips already from the male Uncles, now it's time for a female opinion. First, you are not a loser! Just because you're 34 and your relationship experience is minimal, that is not a problem. It is not a deal breaker by any means, on the contrary, with the right girl it will be appreciated. How many girls come on here complaining about their boyfriend's past, and you have a clean slate - how inviting for THOSE girls. Nobody really cares about the 1, 5, 10 or even 65 previous ex's someone has, it's their CURRENT relationship they care about. Sure, the past is an indicator of what the person has experienced and been through - good or bad, and informs us about them overall, but if there is no history or little of it, it's like someone applying for a job with little experience - they will have to start somewhere and basically someone just has to give them a chance!If it was me, I'd prefer to know exactly what you said - that you've only had a short term relationship before, a while ago (you don't have to say 4 years ago) and you haven't dated much since. You can have MANY reasons for this - focusing on career, passionate about interests or hobbies, out with friends or caring for family. People have all sorts of reasons for being in the state they are. You don't have to point the blame at yourself! A girl who is interested in being dated by you, will only be interested to know if there are any potential threats from the past (a recent ex); or they want to know if you have a good heart; or if you are equally interested in them; and that you will be available and keen to see them too. That is what is important. Dating sites are great for exposure to people of the opposite sex and I hope in those 5 years you didn't just wait for messages - I hope you sent sent sent lots and lots. You have to see it like fishing ;-) cast out your net, and sometimes your bait will catch something, sometimes not. You don't have to date every girl. You can keep some as friends on the site, others as potential dates. Use the opportunity to talk to them, to see what interests them, what motivates them, what do they do, why they enjoy it, and make friends. That will boost your confidence and make you feel better. Some will even boost your ego with compliments which are very appreciated when one is not dating.The girl you did end up dating, well done! The 6-7 hour chats on whatsapp was good exposure. So you CAN do it ;-) Finding things to talk about - go broader. Not just about you, what you do, what you like, go bigger and look at what is going on in the world, and talk about that. Whether it's what is going on in your country, health, safety, sports, entertainment, find things to discuss. Latest music being released, movies, books, etc. There is ALWAYS things to talk about. Then there is the things you dream about. Ask those girls what their purpose is? The all important life question, why are we here? Ask yourself that, and them. You may get some fascinating answers and surprise yourself. Talk about people, animals, nature, fauna and flaura. Man, there is soooo much to talk about - just take life in both hands and get EXCITED :) I also hate small talk (the weather today is...) instead, get to the heart of people. Find out what makes them tick? What has made their life great so far? What has been difficult to overcome? Get the idea? There is so much to discover about people. Realise that each woman you chat to, has a story. Get her to open up and tell her story. You do the same. Who are you? Where did you come from? What is your family life like? etc. What life lessons have you learnt? What did you enjoy about growing up? The discoveries? What fascinated you? What disappointed you? Try to avoid the negative, but use it to spin it into a positive. Like something may have been bad, but how you overcame it, or the blessings you noticed only in hindsight, that kind of thing. Never leave a depressed or negative thought alone - add something positive. Like, the weather sucks today if it's raining, but hey, the gardens love it! The flowers or plants benefit. See what I mean?The girl you went out with, sure, it didn't match into more than friends, but that happens with ALL of us at one time or another. It's not the end of the world and no reflection on you - you guys just were not a match. Try again! Don't give up.You will not be abnormal saying you have not had a real relationship before, or rather, intimacy before. Why do you think they made the movie "The 40 yr old virgin" - because there are more out there. I don't see that in a negative light at all. It means you have morals, it means you have high standards, it means you have not rushed into anything, it means you didn't choose to see a prostitute like some do, just to "get it over with". Some people experienced a special unforgettable first time. Others, in a car, or behind a building, at a party, an older or more experienced friend fwb took advantage, or a quickie, or through rape, or never. You just haven't been with anyone you felt ready to give it up for, and there is nothing wrong with that. You may eventually meet someone younger with even less experience than you, and you will both figure it out. Or you will meet someone in the same age group who has some or more or a lot of experience and will help you through it, or you may meet someone older also with more or lots of experience who will enjoy teaching you ;-)It's not losing the virginity that is important, it's who you give your heart to. You will give it out, maybe a few times, until it settles on THE ONE. Between now and then, you may lose your virginity and enjoy physical intimacy with more than one girl, or the one only. It all depends how life comes along :)I believe first focus on making friends with girls. Don't go for random girls in queues, at pubs, etc. There may be attraction but the fear of rejection is too high. Rather, aim for those you already know! Or friends of friends. Even people you work with. Start off being friendly, interesting (read up on what you enjoy, and find mutually interested people). Talk about your hobby, sport or cultural interest, and then find where you can see a potential spark. Either a girl will like you, or vice versa. Then PURSUE :) YOU ARE THE MAN, like Nike says: "JUST DO IT". Meaning, just ask. There is no harm. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. So ask ask ask. Ask them for a coffee. Get to know people. The more you are out, the more you will meet others. The less it will be scary. Accept there will be no sometimes, it happens to everyone. Accept some will only see you as a friend, everyone has gone through that. Eventually, there will be a yes. Only when you have asked, asked, asked and have a couple of yes, yes yes, when you eventually date someone, and you go from date 1, to 2, etc and you can feel there is more than friendship, that you really like the person, that you are attracted to them, and it's mutual, then you can go from the kissing, and further. Caressing, touching, appreciating the other person and their body. Only when you are finally with someone like that, and you feel you can trust them, that they are being open and honest with you, you have good communication, then admit that you don't have much or any experience and see how they will gladly help and get you through it, to enjoyment!Nobody is judging you. On the contrary, we all want to help you. Start off with what you know - your job, your interests, your hobbies, what you do in your free time? Whatever that is, is where you will find someone equally interested in what you do. That is the reference point, and you start the conversations about that, and with time, someone will peak with interest, and that is the girl you pursue. You take the conversation that just won't end - by saying, hey, how about continuing this over coffee/drinks? Take it from there! Show you are interested - don't show you fear they won't be interested. Hope! Expect the best! Get positive!You say on the dating site you send lots of messages but get no reply. Are you just saying "hello" and simple things? Make sure it's cute, or funny, or interesting that makes them want to answer! Don't say - they look cute, wanna chat? Instead, read their profiles, and find something or lots of things you have in common, then write that you read their profile and really liked ... xyz. Whatever interested you in their profile about their dreams/goals/interests. Compliments come later - about their eyes, hair, whatever, that comes when you are already chatting ;-)It is worth the bother - make friends. I'm speaking from experience. I am now in a committed 3 year relationship, he is the one for me, we will get married and the whole 9 yards but before he came along, I too had a drought of a few years, and in that time, I went on dating sites not to date - but to make friends too! I had one or two guys I spoke to who were not my type, they were interested but I was not, or whatever the reasons were, but we supported each other on there. Meaning, they would ask questions how they could improve their profile, or ask what I looked for in a guy, etc. Also vice versa. They also boosted my ego and confidence by saying nice things about how I wrote or looked, and it made my day! When I met my boyfriend in real life (not on dating site) by then I was all confident and happy because I had male friends who were supporting me, and soon after we began dating, I said good bye to the dating site and didn't stay in contact, but it served its purpose. Try the same. Go to various sites - some are better than others. Expect to find the liars, the cheats, the low lifes and the perverts, but you will also find the good people who are searching and will have a good heart like yourself! Remember - beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!!! When we are not dating, we think it's something we did or didn't do but often it's just a question of timing. When we are single, we doubt everything, sometimes even our looks. Yet when we are dating someone, suddenly the whole world is interested, the whole world finds us beautiful, etc. We didn't change, our ATTITUDE changed. If YOU believe in yourself, others will too. If YOU believe you are a prize, and worthy to be loved (and YOU ARE) then others will too.So please never ever say again you are not particularly good looking - to a girl out there, you will be gorgeous and the best thing since sliced bread! You just have to stay hopeful and never give up! If you give up, you have lost already.It takes more than a picture - it's the PERSONALITY, the CHARACTER! So believe in yourself, and work on your self esteem and confidence. Research lots of articles, there is tons on the internet, and put it to good use.In terms of looks, be the best YOU that you can be. Don't compare yourself to others, just yourself. Make your hair or lack of, YOU. Whatever your eye colour, it's the window to your soul - it truly is, and with the right girl, they will lose themselves in your eyes. A girl will long to be in your arms, to be protected, comforted and loved by you. Believe it.As for your age, age is just a number! I'm often mistaken for 10 yrs younger than I am just because I have such an energetic positive happy spirit, and what is inside shines through on the outside.You are ONLY 34, make sure you act it. Don't act 60!!! hehehe You're definitely speaking like someone who feels life has gone by, and already imagining yourself in the same boat at 45. A LOT can change in 1 day, if you BELIEVE IT.We have all been through the down times when we miss being in a relationship, miss having someone special all of our own, but it's what we do during those times that matter. In my case, I used the single years to discover ME. What I enjoyed, what I wanted out of life, and grew as an individual. I pursued my interests and did not wait for the right guy to come along before I am happy. You have to chase life and all it offers, and while you are doing that, you may or may not meet the one for you.In life, everything is out there, but you have to put your name on the roster to be part of events, and things going on. Get balance in all areas of your life: family time, friends, career, financial, interests, hobbies, sport, everything - and do it because you LOVE IT, not because you hope to meet someone, because then there are ulterior motives.When I was loving life, doing everything I wanted and when I least expected to meet someone, that is when it happened for me. If you chase love, it seems to elude you - but when you LIVE LIFE FULLY, it comes when you're not looking.I think going for counselling is not amiss in your situation - you are getting depressed and you sound it. Discuss your life, how you got here, where you want to be, and let a professional guide you in the next steps forward. They will help you discover you, and all life's treasures.We all wish you luck, may your situation change and soon, that you may experience love, intimacy and complete happiness.Good LuckMiss P
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 September 2013):
I don't blame you for being bummed out about your lack of a love life, but you have to be proactive.
Are you sending messages to women who are out of your league, so to speak? Try approaching women who are less attractive. Unfortunately on dating sites attraction is mostly physical so people tend to seek people who are similar in the looks department.
Also, you HAVE to get out of your comfort zone. YOU HAVE TO! What's worse, getting politely rejected or being alone for the rest of your life? You already feel like a loser, so we how much harm will a rejection really do? But let me tell you, the first time you approach a woman and are successful, it's going to give you such a confidence boost that you're going to want to do it again as soon as the first girl is out of sight!
Start seeing a counselor to help you figure out why you're in this place. There are people who are happily in a relationship and they're way more "undesirable" than you.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (16 September 2013):
I do not know how to respond but i firmly believe you have to boost your self confidence. Do not make public that you are a virgin or dwell on it. you can google search multiple sex topics and after studying some of the basic stuffs you could probably turn the heads of a seasoned sexually active partner.I suggest a make over with a change in wardrobe and maybe some coaching from a life coach. If you want change dont leave any stone unturned in your quest of a soul mate or lover. Go to a local popular hang out and sit back in the corner and watch how people interact. Listen to the talk and try to pick up some of the lingo. Learn how to chat and flirt. if you are shy go back to some dating sites and learn to flirt with women. Using your i phone this can become your best teacher. Dont flirt with the intention of doing anything more than developing your flirting skills. As you get better you might be surprised you going to naturally acquire alot of female friends who will love chatting with you. Do you have any hobbies or passions in life? If you do there is a good chance that a woman is also interested. Lean towards this kind of woman in securing that all important first date. The more natural you are the better picture a woman will have of you. Be yourself but do not beat yourself up. You cant be everything to everyone. Get out get yourself known in the community you live in. Join different clubs or organizations that are co ed. Check them all out and go to first meetings or orientation sessions. If you dont get a good vibe just bow out gracefully and make no empty promises of returning. Keep going at this it shouldnt take to long to find that club or organization where you feel you be comfortable and fit in. Again continue working at your flirting skills very important. You may be no Ryan Gosling but i personally know male friends of mine that are dead ugly in any womens view but because they are such great flirters they very quickly can put the most skeptical woman at ease. At the end of all this a woman knows a man that can flirt and be sincere in his opinions and intentions will rapidly become a keeper. My friend beauty is skin deep really. Please use some of my suggestions or seek a professional life coach for some coaching sessions also if you feel doing this on your own is so over whelming. Good-luck.
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