A
female
age
30-35,
*arlamarpal
writes:Hi there...you see, this problem is not about appeareances like most of the post with that title could possibly be.I'm not a good, decent person. I shout at other people (including my family members) i sneer every cristmas/birthday/whatever gift i get from them (or any other person)and i spend all day alone, locked in my room wearing my old school uniform or anything that's comfortable. I wash myself like..3 times a week or so, and honestly...i hate eveything: dancing, parties, going out, babies, old people, puppies...i can't find anything that makes me feel full and happy. Not even going out with my friends or shopping, or a guy i like: nothing.I feel caged, isolated. Everytime i go out people look at me and say things that hurt me. They look and talk to me like if i where some sort of animal, something that is not really welcomed.My friends and family say i'm short tempered but still honest, true and a hard worker...but i'm not. (I've watched porn videos with horses for God's sake!), i'm always lying and i hardly ever do my work or school or any project the way i'm supposed to.I shouldn't have all the things that i have: money, health, a loving family, true friends even if they are not many, food and a house to live. I've never lacked ANYTHING. But i still can't feel content and safe in my own skin. And i can't make people happy even ONE DAY!, there's no day i say something stingy or be rude to them or else... No matter how i try to be "nice" i end being me...the last thing i could possibly want to be.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 August 2008):
You are the absolute embodiment of someone who uses their behaviour to drive people away as a defence mechanism.
But you are not as much of a loser as you think because you are trying to stop it. You are recognising that this is not the person you want to be.
I've read your follow up and I'm really glad you are taking the steps you have. Perhaps you are not a city person? Perhaps when you get old enough to move out to the country where the pace of life is slower and people are fewer and more significant then you will feel better.
For now though I think you should keep on trying to find some activity that speaks to you. Why not try going to a gym and hitting a boxing bag to get your anger out.
Also try and do a good deed a week. It can be so small that people don't even notice, like looking around to help them spot their keys. Or you could stand up on the bus to give an old lady your seat. If it's a stranger then they don't know who you are so they aren't going to let you down, they'll just say thankyou and you'll never see them again.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, PsyCookie  +, writes (22 August 2008):
 Usually, therapy helps, but sadly some people are just there for the money.
What lead me think that you needed therapy is because I believe you may suffer from some depression. You show a lot of the sympthoms. Depression is not easy to cure and it requires a lot of attention from both professional help and your family and friends.
I know exactly what you are feeling, well, I did some time ago. I also moved in to the city I currently live about 6-7 years ago. It was a new city, I knew nobody, and I was a very shy person. It didn't help that I didn't know the language (English), but I was lucky my physical features made me blend into the world. When I moved to this city, I went straight into depression and I suffered the same things you suffer now. It's a horrible feeling, but thankfully, I'm over it now. I learned the language (in just 3 months!), I made friends, and I learned to like the city at least a bit.
But what also concerned me is the lenght of time you've been depressed. Usually, depression lasts for a couple of months or one or two years, but you have had it for a quiet long time. So in my non-medical suggestion, I think you may have clinical depression.
So what you could do is go to a doctor and have you checked. If you're diagnosed with depression, he might offer you pills to treat it. I don't recommend it, but this is my personal choice, and taking them will be your personal choice too. What I will tell you is that they might indeed help you get through it.
And I agree with you, keep on searching for a hobby you might end up loving. You are so very lucky you have financial access, so that means you could look at hobbies most of us would not be able to even afford (like ice skating or horse riding).
Start loving yourself is a hard process, but not an impossible one. I've always recommend this for everyone who feels so low about themselves: Every morning, when you wake up and you look yourself in the mirror, tell yourself this words, outloud and smiling "I'm a beautiful person, both inside and out". I KNOW you won't believe this words at first, but TRUST me that as many times as you say it yourself every morning with a smile, you will end up believing it more and more. I can tell you because it worked on me, and I'm no different than you.
So I will tell you this, even when I barely have known you and you might not even believe me: You're a beautiful person, both inside and out. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and you're beautiful for wanting to change for your family and friends. That takes guts, and makes you look like you do care (and not a horrible person like you said you were).
Ps. YOu have really good English, in fact, better than some people who come here. You spell and punctiate correctly, which is such a blessing.
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A
female
reader, carlamarpal +, writes (22 August 2008):
carlamarpal is verified as being by the original poster of the question PsyCookie, your answer actually soothed me a little.
I've been in therapy before with three different psychologists (do you write it like this?, i'm not a native speaker) but i guess they didn't help a lot. When i was like 10 years old we moved to this city and since then i've been feeling empty.
I've tried a lot of things in order to feel happy, working, taking care of something (dogs, fish, flowers...), painting, drawing...but i guess i need to keep searching. I've also left the porn a little. There was a time when i couldn't sleep without watching a video or two (shame on me) but now it's only like...4 times a year or so.
*sighs*
You're right. I need to love myself if i want to love others...but how does somebody manages to love himself?.
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (22 August 2008):
Your problem sounds very serious.
Have you tried therapy? I know this sounds kind of forward to ask, but what you have is more deep down and we can only help you on the surface.
Getting a proffesional would help you go deep into the problem and find a solution for it. You have the money for it and heck, you don't have anything to lose. Just please try a couple of sessions. Also, don't expect therapy to cure you one day to another. This process will take time.
But I think the main problem here is that you have had everything. Because of this, you really haven't appreciated anything they've given you because nothing you got was earned through hard work.
But see, you're wrong in one thing. You can't make others happy unless you're happy yourself. But I really don't think you're as bad as you say. You sound like a very intelligent lady, and by actually knowing you're a mean person and wanting to change speaks a lot for you.
For this same reason, I think that the mean things people tell you are mostly on your head. One of my friends used to get really paranoid whenever a group of people laughed nearby, all because she thought they were talking about her. Of course, it was all on her head.
But changing won't come as easy for you. With therapy and the help of your friends and family, you'll find happiness for yourself and give happiness to those who love you.It sounds like you want to set yourself to change, so this will happen for you. You will change for the better.
Good luck with everything in your life. I hope that therapy will get you through this time of your life and you will walk the happy road.
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