A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help dear Aunts.I feel like I am a terrible person right now. My best friend is getting married and having a baby. We have been inseparable since we were babies and I love her to bits. She loves me too and has been an outstanding friend. I am her bridesmaid for the wedding and recently I hate to admit but I am prone to feeling jealous and to compare my life to hers. Six years ago something very traumatic happened to me and a chain of events begun resulting to me losing everything that mattered to me in a very short space, career, money, people, health and the love of my life.It took me years to recover and now it is getting better but I feel I in some senses am still moving in circles. I seem to do little more than recovering from nasty break ups and heartbreaks. I have done a lot of soul searching and wish I had established this was all my fault because me I can actually fix but all my friends agree that some of the stories I had in the past two years were downright freaky. Also, the wedding is killing me moneywise. I am struggling financially since returning to the university to get a doctorate and spending all this money lavishing my friend, organizing the hen do in a spa etc (she deserves it but that is not the point) is just way too much for me. I dread the wedding day when I have to get her a gift fitting to a best friend. So far I have spent more than I can afford already. The baby issue is also very shore for me as I had a miscarriage in the summer ( the guy dumped me for someone who was not going to be away fro two months. He never found out and I am like a fool still in love with him and kind of suffering keeping my distance since I know all he wants is sex) To top this, it is also her birthday in a couple of weeks which means even more presents, even more money I don't have. I will be in Africa for mine, leaving after the wedding, helping out with a children's project so I don't get anything at all. I just want it to be my turn for some happy news of some short for a change. I want a reason that I can be celebrated too. Believe me I know how petty I sound. I feel like such a terrible friend. I love this woman. I think she deserves all the wonderful things she is getting and then some more and I want her to be happy. So why on earth can I not be happy for her? How do I get over this? She deserves me on her side 100 per cent and I really want to share her joy. I just feel like I can't and I hate me for it. Any help will be appreciated.
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best friend, jealous, money, university, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow. Thank you everyone for your kind words. I was kind of expecting a bashing. Most of you are right. This wedding is really taking over my life and I am very tired and emotional. I think that a lot of this stems from me losing my baby a few months before my friend got pregnant with hers. It kind of hit me very hard, harder than I was willing to agree. I would have loved to have that baby. I see the father very often and force myself to stay away from him as he is willing to offer little more than a casual arrangement which I can't accept because I am still in love with him. He doesn't know about the pregnancy and it is very difficult when I compare the situations, especially since I will be the only one without a date for the wedding. I am hoping this is going to get easier at some point. My Africa trip is something to look forward. It is not a holiday. I will indeed be working with less fortunate children in the medical field (so in a sense eric.troy you were spot on). I have been volunteering with this project for five years now, only this time it will have to be shorter because of my studies. Africa has given me a lot and I think after the dust of the wedding settles Africa will help me more than I will help Africa lol. I think I will not have a long heart to heart with my friend about this. There is no reason to rain on her parade and I don't want this to be about me as this is her moment. The funny thing is that usually she would tell immediately something was wrong with me but now she is lost in her happiness and that's how it should be. I will talk to her about the money thing though. I am sure she will understand. Once again thank you everyone who took the time to read this. You made me feel a bit better about things.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): You're not a horrible person for feeling these things, and it's not petty at all to want a reason to be celebrated too. I totally understand that. You've been through so many things and the contrast of your friend being so happy and things going so well for her must highlight a lot of the pain. Also, since she's occupied with her wedding, she's probably not able to be as supportive to you right now when you need it. Don't feel guilty. All the planning and organizing already sounds pretty stressful, even without the emotional difficulties!
Take time and do nice things for yourself whenever you get the chance, and focus on you. Not on your friend right now. Things will get better, and it will be your turn to be celebrated. Low points don't last forever. I don't know if you're in the habit of writing but journaling your feelings might help. Pour it all out, even the jealous, angry, guilty and otherwise negative feelings. Don't feel guilty for any of your feelings.
It sounds like you have a precious friendship with this woman. Take things one day at a time...
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 The simple answer is between your financial and your relationship problems you are letting yourself get totally stressed out by all this. If you and your friend are so close you should be able to discuss your money issues with her. If she is any kind of real friend she will understand that your being in her wedding is your gift to her. You had to buy the dress and shoes which aren't cheap and you are spending a lot of time throwing a spa shower for her and trying to help out with all other details of planning a wedding as much as you can. She knows all this. So if you can't buy her something for her birthday, make her a cake or a homemade present or do something else nice for her that doesn't cost money but still shows that you care.
If you two have been friends since you were babies, I don't understand why you are posting this question here in the first place. Go to her already,and tell her how you feel I promise you will both feel better once you do. Just don't turn her special time into a pity party thats all about you.
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female
reader, Ima FreAk! +, writes (1 May 2011):
 Hiyaaaa,Your worn out honey! You really are. Sometimes in life you gotta learn simply how to say "no". Honestly it may be really simple solution but it's hard.Remember your only human and you can't satisfy everyone, and at this rate if you keep on doing what your doing, your literally gonna end up in serious depression. Your short on money and it's your friend birthday soon you don't have to get her a gift a simple gesture to show that you love her would be nice for example making something, a cake or whatever and sometimes it's not about the money but just the thought that counts. Wooooow you've had a lot of turmoil in your life but don't worry because it's a good thing that you've realise that you can fix these problems and it's takes a lot of guts to realise that some mistakes are your fault really. Keep that attitude inside you because it will take you very very far in life, knowing that it's alright to make mistakes at time but learning from them and avoiding them makes you a better person.I think you should take some time off and do things that make you happy, you know have a little "me" time kinda thing because your slowly wearing yourself out and it's not good. Another thing I would recommend is that you gotta let go of your friend a little because how can you make her happy if your not happy? She will be fine, she will have a fantastic family and after the wedding when you go to Africa just relax and I think you will find something surprising in Africa. After the trip it will enlighten you and make you feel kinda strong!So remember you can say no in life and smileeeeeeee! :DHope my advice helps!Good luck!Lots of love,Ima FreAk!x
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