A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi i have known a guy i work with for about 6 years, we all use to go out a lot in a crowd etc now he has always cheated on his girlfriend for years but still stays with her, i have always just been mates he works with me and last year we got very flirty and he always asked how i was etc saying i looked nice and stuff, then he ended up coming round after work once and we messed around sexually but i couldnt have sex as i have a boyfriend and he has girlfriend and now he has daughter, then things turned bad, he ignored me and said he never fancied me at all, and then received an email he did to work and claimed i sent it, it seemed to suggest things about me and him but i didn't, he claimed it was same ip address.Anyway things turned nasty he rang me saying horrible things and i made him feel sick but to my face never anything he just stared at me so sad, then it calmed down but about 2 months ago he facebooked my friend and she told me to tell him to stop so i emailed thinking it calmed down and his girlfirend emailed back saying ring now, bearing in mind he was due to get married in june and it didnt happen, him and his gf split then got back together.After this email he rang me at work saying why you asking me for sex when i clearly did not put or say that, i hung up and since seen him at work but he says nothing just stares, am very very hurt i have lost what was a very good friend, i admit i was wrong to do what i did with him but somehow miss him and want to really speak with him but darent and don't know where to begin. He hurt me bad and i feel anger towards him, people have an idea what happened with us at work but i just wanna know why i do think about him a lot and that is not right and think he dont hate me but am unsure.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Partly, you are attracted because he is a cheater. Women tend to want guys who are already wanted by other women - it's sort of a herd mentality, but it's true. Additionally, you fooled around with him but did not consumate, so you're stuck wondering what might have been.
When he ignored you and began to be mean, he took away what you thought was a sure thing - his attraction for you. When a guy you desire ignores you, it hits your self-image pretty hard and makes you rationalize that he must be extremely desireable, and you start to get more attracted to him. This is the same mechanism that players use to string girls along, and the reason women so often stay with abusive boyfriends.
These instincts and rationalizations exist because, in our distant caveman past, guys like this produced the strongest, most reproductively successful offspring. Cavewomen who were attracted to this kind of guy had more reproductive success - their sons tended to act the same way, producing more descendants.
Basically, he's triggered all the darkest parts of your attraction instincts. These aren't the kind that build love and respect - they are the kind that trigger emotional addiction to a guy. These feelings will go away only if you avoid any contact with him, and remind yourself that they are self-destructive desires which must be suppressed. Go find a better man.
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