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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: If all men are "hardwired" to look at porn and women other than their girlfriends or wives then why aren't all women hardwired to be understanding and accepting of this?
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (8 August 2011):
 He doesn't prefer porn to you, he continued to look despite the impact it was having because it's a very ingrained habit. He's probably been doing this since he was a young teen. And reinforcing the behavior with an orgasm every time. Imagine if there was something you did pretty much daily for at least a decade, and every time you did it you get a hit of cocaine. That's sort of what it's like. It's not because he naturally has this insatiable urge to look at unrealistic women or something like that. I don't mean to say he should continue to do it simply because it's a habit, I'm just trying to get you to see that he wasn't purposefully hurting you.
I really in all honesty don't think he compares you to them. It's been a year and you need to try to figure out how to let this go or you're going to push him away. He gave up porn, which is great and also way more than a lot of guys would do. He really really loves you and cares about you or he'd just tell you to butt out (like most guys would do). Please try to see the big picture, he stopped doing porn only because he truly cared about you and your happiness.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): I refused to cope! After 2 husbands turned out to be porn addicts and then my current bf was caught looking, too, I PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND MADE MY BF CHOOSE.I have no regrets about telling him he had to choose ME or IT--he chose me and I'm thrilled.I'm still insecure and I guess I always will feel a little less than attractive because of what I know he "prefers" in the way of porn, but I am getting better!I know he's not looking anymore because I can check his history, deleted history and private browsing history. He has not deleted anything in over a year. And the only time he used "private browsing" was when he was looking for something to surprise me... (yeah, I ruined my own surprise, but it was worth it to know that I can even find "private browsing" history!!).
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 August 2011):
It's interesting how men frequently criticize women for it being silly or crazy to be insecure about an image, which everyone knows is fake, yet no one criticizes porn users for being extremely aroused by fake images. Both strong feelings, but only one is incorrect. Double standard much? Also I keep seeing the word "cope" pop up in these discussions and I think that's fairly disturbing. No one should be purposefully forcing their partner to figure out coping mechanisms (something people pull out when they are in incredibly stressful situations) so they can have a bit of fun. And clearly these coping mechanisms are not working, since over 50% of divorces cite porn as a major reason for the divorce and since over half of women hate the idea of porn in their relationship and a significant chunk of the ones who don't hate it still find it hurtful.
I also find the "hardwired" excuse to be both tired and false. That men have no choice but to look at porn and hurt their partners because they can't help it is both childish and ridiculous. It removes all personal responsibility, because hey, can't fight evolution, right?. There is no voluntary activity, no matter how necessary, that is not routinely overcome by cultural upbringing. This includes the need to eat and drink (many cultures observe extreme fasting for spiritual or other reasons). There is no evidence that really any activity is hardwired into people through evolution since there is pretty much no activity that is the same across cultures. Not gender roles, not sexual behavior, not "courting," not bodily standards of beauty, not pregnancy and childbirth, etc...
This idea that men are "helpless" to resist the almighty porn, then are all men addicted? if there is truly an activity that is unnecessary but one cannot stop even when faced with negative consequences (such as seriously hurting and alienating their partner) then that is pretty much the definition of addicted. And if porn is so hardwired into men, then why do around 20% of men simply not like porn? And if all men love porn then why is it that when porn is shown to cultures that don't grow up with western media a lot of them really don't like it or find it arousing?
Further, just because we like something does not mean it's hardwired into us. Many people love meat. Are we "hardwired" to love meat? Maybe, but even if we were that just proves that "hardwiring" is easily overcome by culture (for instance the many vegetarians and vegans, entire parts of India that are completely vegetarian, etc...). If hardwiring for something like that can so easily be overcome I have a hard time believing that resisting something you have to actively search out has anything to do with overcoming evolution and everything to do with sheer willpower.
The idea that because men find the female form exciting means they are helpless to resist doesn't quite work. Sure people are aroused by other naked attractive people. That doesn't give porn this weird title of so necessary that it is worth hurting people to get. It's not as though people implode or die when they don't give into every basic impulse. When people who really like eating are powerless to resist chocolate cake or cheeseburgers simply because they are "hardwired" to eat give into every impulse it's called an eating disorder. Yes, porn exploits the fact that people are horny. But that in no way removes the fact that looking at porn, even when you know it's seriously hurting your partner, is simply a personal choice and nothing more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): You all gave great answers. I really would like to know how to cope with it, though. My husband doesn't even do it anymore, he stopped over a year ago. But that doesn't change the fact I still hurt when I think about it, I guess similar to how a man hurts if he learns his girlfriend or wife had a promiscuous past. I fully understand I'm being unreasonable to hold onto this so please don't attack me, and I definitely haven't told my husband it still bothers me because that would solve nothing and just make him feel bad. "women should never feel jealous of the porn women men want to look at" @MikeEal- you're absolutely right, they shouldn't. Most porn women (excluding amateurs) are fake. They've had plastic surgery, and not just on their breasts but their genitals as well. Not to mention they have loads of makeup and hair extensions and artificial tans. So yeah, why should we be jealous of something so phony? Well, its because regardless of how fake it is, we still feel our men think it looks better than us. But what I wanna know is, why can't we just accept it? Why were we born to be so competitive? And while I agree with male anon that understanding and acceptance is a learned coping skill, why is it so difficult for us to learn? It seems like no matter how hard I try to tell myself it was no big deal that he used to watch porn (and might still for all I know) I can't quite convince myself. Why is this? What the hell is wrong with me?
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (4 August 2011):
 lots of women are hard wired to spend vast amount of money on shoes and designer hand bags. Their husbands are unfortunately not hard wired to be happy about it
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): A lot of people believe that men are hard wired to look at pornography and too a degree this is true but that doesn't make it healthy. Check out this story/video about how pornography effected Maria's relationship. It's a pretty interesting website: http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/Blog/Blog-Detail/Marias-Story--Pornography-affected-my-relationship/
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Because testosterone is a hormone that drives male sexual behavior and they are born with it. Tolerance and acceptance is not a hormone or chemical, it's a learned coping skill.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 Haha, Yos, love that painting!
And yes, Yos explains it well, don't need to add anything else.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 yos is pretty much spot on, but there is a difference in perception between men and women about porn. men are in love with the real live woman that they are with. porn is to kill a pain that grows. women should never feel jealous of the porn women that men want to look at. but if the shoe was on the other foot, I understand. we can't help it and it is no threat to our relationships except for the fact that women can't cope. and I have one other thing to say about this. players are not covered by what I'm saying.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 Because men aren't 'hardwired' to look at porn. Men are 'hardwired' to be attracted to women. Porn resembles women closely enough to trigger that attraction.
But hardcore porn is a relatively recent invention: like many other things in modern society (junk food, hard drugs, television, online gambling) we are not 'hardwired' to handle them well. Or more specifically: these things are designed to exploit flaws in how we are 'hardwired'.
Humans are hardwired to like fatty, salty, and sweet foods because during our evolution those things were always in scarcity. There was no risk of overdoing it. And they also never came combined: sweet food was fruit (no fat) etc. There was no cheesecake! Fast food companies exploit that fact to encourage over-consumption of their products. The human body is hardwired not to be able to handle modern fast food, in other words. It overloads our circuits, and leaves us wanting more and more if we are not careful.
We are in a very real sense cavemen living in a crazy new modern context. As this painting suggests:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/whorange/2285710966/
Men are hardwired to be turned on by attractive women. Not so much a risk when you're living in a tribal group of perhaps 150, many of whom you are directly related to. Much more of a problem when the internet can stream 150 women an hour at you, all performing a range of sexual activities that your ancestors hadn't even imagined. It's like showing up at a sword fight with a machine gun.
The other assumption that's built into your question is a misunderstanding about "competition". The competition going on at a genetic level between men and women (and men and men, and women and women) is often called 'the war of the sexes', and for good reason. Women can as much be said to be competing against men (for their resources) as collaborating with them. It's a complex subject, with many many thick books written about it. Suffice to say that in humans both men and women have strengths and weaknesses, and tactics for getting what they want from the other sex. Compare that to a praying mantis: where the man allows himself to be eaten by the female after sex!
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