A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:this has been a constant problem. A guy tries to go out with me and he ends up dropping me like a bad habit. I am beginning to think I freak the guys out for some reason unknown to me. Here's the story. Ill meet a guy and there's instant chemistry. We will go out to eat, visit a park,etc. My rule about sex is that there needs to be an agreement on monagamy and wait one month at the minimum. I don't tell the guy I'm making him wait. I just wait to see if there's long term potential. But, then the time between phone calls gets wider, dates lessen and ill try to be outgoing and will invite the person to an outing. I don't show up at his house, no drive bys, no anonymous phone calls to see if he's home. I don't stalk him, period. This seems to be the case even if I did have sex with him or not at all. It sucks to be rejected like this all the time. I keep myself in shape, I'm told I'm very funny, I work, drive a pretty shmancy car, got an advanced degree. I'm definitely not a gold digger. What gives??? Am I supposed to sit back and wait for a guy to call me when he feels like it? I try to be patient but after a few weeks, I feel I have no choice but to move on. I always thought if a man likes a woman, he will pursue her at all costs. But I don't see any guys doing that for me. What am I doing wrong?
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female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Perhaps you are looking into it a bit much and being a smidge to harsh on yourself. The first thing you need to realize and accept is guys are wired completely different than girls, therefore something you may think is just the norm isn’t with men, such as a call after a date, etc. One thing I have learned about men is they all like a challenge, someone “not so down for anything” necessarily someone who holds their own ground, marches to the beat of their own drum. When you are out on a date, be witty, carefree and really just be who you truly are inside. Just because someone hasn’t taken you off the market just yet doesn’t mean someone out there wont. Keep going, the more you network the more you will learn about yourself. Leave them wanting more, tease a little even as little as saying something like, if you’re lucky you can see me again and then laugh, wink. Of course it is all just in fun but it shows that you are confident in yourself and really just want to take the ride of life whatever that may be. I would suggest being a tad old fashion and don’t be the first to call/text/email. That is the role of the man, then after that it’s all free game. Do show him you are interested but not into throwing yourself at him. And again, be a challenge. Now go get’em girl! Report back please :)
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 September 2011):
 "I always thought if a man likes a woman, he will pursue her at all costs."
Nope. By the time a guy hits hit mid-to-late twenties, he's basically tired of nonsense. Change "at all costs" to "if the costs are equal to or less than the benefits." Benefits, in this case, does not have to mean quick and instant sex. I'll explain.
I think it's one of two possibilities. Keep in mind that what I'm talking about it perceptions, not realities; while the perception might match up to the reality, it also might not - but people act on perceptions. I have no idea what the reality is. So, what I think is either guys think you give off the "used to be easy" vibe (in which case they won't be willing to wait where other guys did not have to), or you give off the opposite, prudish vibe (in which case they suspect you're going to be high maintenance). It sound like you're aiming for that happy middle, but probably missing it.
I'd say that the first time things start to get hot and heavy with a guy, go ahead and tell him that you want to wait at least a month. Don't say "I always wait a month," since that brings to mind other guys in your past; say, "I just want to wait at least a month." Then, call him the day after (before he has a chance to call you, since most men wait about two days) and ask him out somewhere yourself. This will let him know it wasn't just an excuse, and that you're interested in him but that you still have the self-control to wait.
If he doesn't call you as often as you like, call him to ask him out - keep the phone call short, to the point, and set up a time to meet in person without having a long phone conversation. Show interest in him; a guy in his mid-twenties has learned not to waste time on girls who don't make it very clear that their efforts are going to be returned and rewarded.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Do you call or initiate contact with the guys in that month, or are you waiting for them to do all the courting?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): Well, everything in life happens for a purpose. If you did get into a relationship with one of these guys, you wouldn't be available to me 'the one' you were suppose to end up with :) Just have some faith and patience. Pursue your hobbies, make your life as rich and filled as you can, the right one will come along.
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