A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why are women's emotional needs not considered as important as men's visual needs ?Men often say they need porn because they are visual and one woman can't meet their visual needs but women are emotional and men often don't meet our needs Is it then ok for us to meet emotional needs through online affairs so long as there is no physical touching Men claim the women in porn aren't real but they are very very real people in the eyes of aone women and our emotions are hurt by what we see as affairs ( im nkt talking about the women who don't care but the many who do and are ignored ) It's seems unfair that excuses are made for men to get sexual needs met through other women in pirn but women are basically forviddeb to get emotional needs met by other men
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): Actually the abuse shown towards women IS in the majority of porn ... To be precise , recent research shows 88% depicted some form of abuse towards women .
The problem is that many regular viewers don't even recognise it as abusive, they think it's normal
This is a news link about the research but anyone who cares to become informed can find a wealth of information
http://m.smh.com.au/federal-politics/why-the-new-porn-norm-is-hurting-women-20110302-1be54.html
A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (2 June 2015):
You are patently incorrect. Women are spat on and called names in the huge MINORITY of porn. I am not sorry to say, I have consumed probably over a million minutes of porn, quite a lot of it, with my wife as willing co-consumer, and I can say with certitude that while, yes, there are some degrading behaviors out there, they are by far and away the minority.
To try and dismiss the equivalency, while maintaining your own double standard is disingenuous at best. You acknowledge the visual nature of porn, while comparing it to the "emotional needs" of a woman, and then dismiss the market made to cater to the visual fantasy as somehow worse than the market made to cater to the emotional fantasy.
Guess what? There are men in porn. They aren't spitting on women and calling them names in most of it. They are, however, cut, lean, muscular adonsies, with large penises and muscled tanned bodies in most of it, and make men feel inadequate just as the actresses do the women.
Noone is saying you need to watch. Noone is saying you need to enjoy. However, for you to suggest your partner shouldn't indicates a need to control his sexuality. I suggest you read my post below, because if you get to control his, you will need to give up your right to control your own. That's a basic trade.
I am not suggesting marital rape is ok (nor any other kind of rape for that matter). I AM, on the other hand, saying that if you expect him to give up on a fairly basic way he meets his own needs, you had damn well better be ready to meet those needs.
read the anon below for a summation of the place your own logic takes you.
Isn't that exactly the argument you are making? If he expects you to give up on how you want to meet your needs, shouldn't he be ready to meet them for you?
Why should he budge first? Because you're 'offended'? Because you 'feel degraded'. Please. How long have you been together? How long have you known he watches porn?
If a man has -withdrawn- from a relationship in favor of porn, that's an indication that there's more going on here than just the porn, and it isn't the porn that's the problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): Op here .Thanks for the replies however I was hoping there would be some new insight other that the typical romance novel argument .Novels anz movies are no comparison to porn . Porn thrives on treating women like meat in a market where they are catagoriaed according to body part . They are called names and spat on in a huge majority of porn . No comparison whatso ever and it seems an extremely weak argument when people try that excuse
I do undrstabd that some women like porn however the industry is by far predominately made for men by men .
Also for someone to suggest that just because a woman takes use wifh porn ahe requires medication is not only patronising but displays an ignorance of the very valid issues many women take with porn !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): As a woman I reserve the right to control my own sexuality. I will not engage in sexual behavior I am not comfortable with. This includes expecting my partner to refrain from attempting to force the issue when I am not in the mood, not feeling good, tired, have a headache, worried about my mom, or just plain don't want to. This includes having the right to refuse positions, locations, or timing that are uncomfortable. I am in control of my own sexuality.orAs a woman I reserve the right to control my partners sexuality. he will not engage in sexual forms of entertainment I do not approve in advance. He will not visit nude, topless, bikini, or similar clubs or bars. He will not watch porn. He will not use masturbation toys made to resemble any other woman's anatomy. He will not masturbate unassisted more often than I approve. Pick one of the above statements, honey, because you cannot have both.Truth of the matter is, there are plenty of men who do not enjoy porn. You are free to find one. You are not, however, free to change someone else. That was true when you met him, and if viewing pornography is a deal breaker for you, then you are with the wrong person.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 June 2015):
 I also have to point out that it's not a proper comparison of porn (in any form, internet or otherwise) is the same as online affairs. A better comparison would be this:
Viewing online porn for a guy is more like reading romance novels for a girl. There isn't a "live" component to either activity.
To compare having cyber affairs for a woman would be more like a guy paying women for live cam dances or phone sex. In these cases, there's someone "LIVE" being engaged in specific services, and both of these acts cross the line.
Either way, not *all* guys NEED porn. When porn becomes a compulsive NEED, then it's become an addiction like alcoholism or drug use. Occasional use isn't a NEED anymore than a woman occasionally using a vibrator.
The anon male reader who talked about romantic comedies being degrading to men - I disagree. I don't LIKE them myself either, but the last time I checked, women aren't pulling the hair of guys or spraying their faces with bodily fluids in rom-com's, nor is there bareback ramming of the anus while being slapped on the cheeks repeatedly and saying things like "take it in the ass, Bitch". Not all porn is degrading, and rom-coms aren't degrading. That's like saying that any guy who is able to express love to a woman in word or action is degrading himself. Not all guys have to have the degrading dominance porn either. The emasculating stuff for guys happens quite a bit in soap operas...one reason why I don't have time for those either.
OP, a stance on porn is a compatibility thing. Did you know that 1 in 6 consumers of porn are women?? Many women are okay with porn, myself included. I don't like it myself, but I don't care if my husband watches it, and I'm not going to give up my vibrator, so why begrudge him his visual "vibrator"? A woman's looks don't make me feel inferior.
One thing OP, when you bring up the specific example of online affairs with guys, is that when you engage a specific guy, eventually, you'll want to meet him or he will want to meet you. Skype or KIK or whatever get used, and then it can become an actual affair. That doesn't happen in porn. A guy doesn't communicate with any of the porn women. Webcam live dances are different, but porn? He's not engaging "other women". There's a big difference.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 June 2015):
 I take issue about your statement on two grounds. First is using comparison of two separate things (porn viewing & emotional connections) to make an argument about porn addiction. And second, arguing that two wrongs (porn watching & emotional affairs) should make it right.
First off, although men are sexually aroused primarily by visual things, it does not follow that men require constant barrage of porn in order to sexually function. In fact, constant barrage of porn means that there is some sort of a mental dysfunction in a man who is incapable of getting aroused by reality. Such a man is akin to an alcoholic, needing to alter his reality in order to derive enjoyment. So my qualm is that you are comparing this aberrated mental state with attention seeking that women have. The attention seeking is not an aberrated mental state but a biological need that keeps a woman attached to the man. The attention a woman gets from her man translates in her loyalty to him and that translates into her willingness to sacrifice.
Second, woman should not have emotional affairs just the way men hook on porn, because both activities are an aberration.
If your man is hooked on porn and gives you no attention, then your man requires treatment by professionals. I feel your frustration but venting will not help. Instead, try to find ways to get him some professional help which can also include taking certain medication.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): Why do women insist on us going to romantic comedies with them? Isn't that their form of instruction for how her romance needs to go?
I find the media depictions of caring, sensitive men (who are all super hot, or super cute) in romance and romantic comedies to be degrading to men. Not just the men who play the role, but to the rest of us. I feel like we're all being compared to Brad Pitt in Legend of the fall, and we're all being degraded because we can't measure up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): Op here , you say I have no idea how hard rejection is, but I say yes absolutely many many woman know that pain very much ... The pain of every man your with being preoccupied with the porn stars instead of you . The pain of a man you married never making you his primary sexual focusUnfortunately it's been more than one such guy for me but I'm also tired of hearing my gfs having similar experinecd You say men have these needs and crave but some women crave to be with a man who doesn't jerk off to other women . Especially when it's as disrespectful as him choosing bodies clearly that haven't made the sacrifices of giving him babies or spending twenty years with him Why can't men see how disrespectful that is to the woman who sacrificed her youth and body for him , for them !!!!!! When he clearly shows what high visual and sexual attraction he places in youth and pre childbirth bodies . Even when a wife remains fit and healthy our bodies change after years and kids yet men are no issue with conditioning themselves to the naked 19 year olds of porn and expecting us to feel loved and appreciated Some women may be fine with that but many are not and even say and the what happens ??? Men justify why it's ok !!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): OK - we get it. You had one asshat who wouldn't put the porn down. Maybe he put you down verbally, and compared you to "them" or maybe you just feel insecure.Men don't "need" porn any more than women do. I know plenty of women who view pornography, on their own, without their partner. Lots of people assert that "men are visual" forgetting that women are visual too. They get their misconception from a very old study that showed men are -more- visual than women. However it's not 100% visual for men and 0 for women, it's closer to 55% / 45%That split is true for men and emotions too. Men are emotional. We are cerebral. Many, many, many men rely on porn not because of our visual needs, but necause of our -EMOTIONAL- needs.No, the porn doesn't, can't, and never will fill those needs. However, it doesn't, can't, and never will reject us, have a headache, laugh at us, belittle our preference, or judge us for something we want to try. Men need, crave, and It's the need to feel desirable and desired. We also need to feel sexual release on a regular basis. The psychological and emotional tension builds up, and the physical need becomes not only distracting, but overwhelming.We learn from an early age that "you don't ever pressure a girl" and that's fine. No problem. In principal, cerebrally, I can get with that.We also learn "you take it at her pace" "coercion is rape" and a thousand other messages that boil down to "let her tell you when sex is ok." Fine. No problem. In principal, cerebrally, I can get with that.However, on an emotional level, that sends the message that what she wants is more important that what you want. Since WW2, that is the message men have been getting on a lot of fronts.We are made subject to her needs. I've heard the complaint "He can have me whenever he wants" as a counter argument to porn use. Can he? Really? Whenever he wants?How about -however- he wants? Or are his desires less important than yours there? Are you ready to be perverted to turn him on? No, it's not the porn that makes him want that - sometimes he just needs to feel a little 'bad boy' or 'naughty' or 'dirty'.Men often confuse their need for validation, to feel desired and desirable, and other relational and sexual -EMOTIONAL- needs with simple lust. Truth be told it is both simpler and less painful to cover over those needs with porn use, get our rocks off and feel empty inside than to risk rejection and/or judgment from our female partner.You have no idea how much it hurts to slowly try to seduce and come on to a woman you're married to only for her to turn over, look at you with pleading in her eyes and say "we can, if you want to", in a tone that says "I'll suffer through it because I love you, but I'd rather go to sleep".
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