A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:What would you do? Stage four cancer, husband becoming more distant each week. Female @ his place of work keeps "needing" him...to help her buy a gun to make her feel safe, to give her a ride home (pretty far away), keeps bringing him his favorite soft drink to work (by the case). Could she possibly be patient enough to let me die in peace before stealing his time and attention from me? He doesn't devote any attention to his kids, much less to my "situation". Do I confront her, do I suffer in silence? Of course, his behavior is the worst part in this, but he refuses to engage. Why are women so cruel to other women???? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I'm sorry to hear about your health. But the one question you dont seem to ask is why YOUR HUSBAND is being so cruel to you? Not just of course....,he IS the main stay in this. After all he promised to be with you in sickness and in health. People can act selfishly(lord knows I'm not one to be appointed judge but thats another story) but the fact that you are ill should make an exception for him(them?) to put aside their 'liaison'. Between, are you sure she is aware of your illness? I certainly hope not. But your husband is, and if he doesnt look after you now he will have a host of regrets and guilt coming his way. Dont suffer in silence, speak up but try not to cause drama in the process. If you try talking to your husband in an angry(which is understandable)/ confrontational tone or with an aggressive body language, he will 'retreat' from you to his 'haven'. I do believe he is having a hard time dealing with you illness. Let him know that you want to spend what time you have left as happy as the situation would permit, and you have been feeling more and more distant from him lately which saddens you. Speak from your heart, dont accuse him, chastise him, blame him...just tell him how you feel and perharps tell him what he could to to make you feel better and that you need him more than ever now. Also get the support of your extended family, church, friends, etc to help you as couple get through this and also help you children if you have any. He is, in my opinion, trying to escape the situation at home which is soooooo unfair to you. My prayers are with you. Take care.ps: Try and gauge if posible a calm time to tell him how you feel(you would have to also try to be calm yourself, I know you are upset by this). Good timing will hopefully help him assimilate your words and thoughts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I'm so sorry to hear about your health.I think it's not just the other woman who's being cruel, it's your husband. In fact I would say that your husband is BY FAR being far more cruel to you than this other woman. Don't blame just her, save the bulk of the blame for HIM. For all you know, maybe she has no idea that you have cancer, all she knows is that your husband has been giving her the wink, encouraging her, coming onto her, and if she finds him attractive she may figure if he doesn't care about his own marriage then why should she care about his marriage? I'm not saying the other woman is blameless, but I think that your focus on her as being the problem is misguided, it is really your husband who is the real problem.I understand you feel like she's trying to steal him away from you. But I really think the problem is HIM, not her. she could be anyone, really. But he is your husband. He is the one who vowed to be loyal to you. She owes you nothing, but he does. Therefore, don't waste any more of your time thinking about her and what she has done to you, instead realize that it is him who is wrecking your life, not her.Open your eyes and see what a sorry excuse for a husband you have. I'm sorry this doesn't sound the least bit comforting especially in your time of need, but I think it would help to realize that this man you are living with, who is supposed to be your supporter, is the one who is most disrespecting you and abandoning you and that it might be best to cut him out of your life rather than have to see him every day and know what he's being up to. You just don't need this on top of your health issues.If you can, surround yourself with other people who love you and support you, and try not to waste any more time on him, you need to preserve as much of your health as you can, and not just spinning your wheels blaming the "wrong" person, but cutting out the "true" toxic person from your life is vital.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 January 2011):
 First off, so sorry for your situation, you have my sympathy (for what little it's worth).
I think you should be asking about your husband, but per your request, I'll answer the question you actually asked.
In general, women are cruel to other women because drama and social conflict are how women establish heirarchy (not saying men are innocent, just different). She's feeding her ego by "beating" you. It's the female equivalent of winning an arm-wrestling contest; pointless victories feel good. The only difference is that the stakes are much closer to our hearts.
In this particular situation, though, I think it's just callous disregard of you. As far as she's concerned, if your husband is willing to pay attention to her, she's willing to receive it. It's a side effect of the conflict above - engage in cattiness often enough, and disregard for the feelings of opponents can become a reflex.
There's nothing you can really do about this woman. What you should do is talk to your husband. I suspect that he's having a hard time coping with this, and his refusal to engage comes more from a fear of engaging in the "wrong" way than anything else. Same deal as above - emotional distance can become habit. If I had to guess, I'd say he feels guilty about feeling any pain at all (since it's less than yours, he should be able to deal with it; the possibility of failing to deal with it terrifies him), and feels guilty about not knowing how to comfort you, and being powerless to help you.
Talk to him. Tell him it's ok if he needs your comfort, too. Neither of you has to be strong enough to hold the both of you - two wounded souls can lean on each other. Tell him there is no "wrong" way to deal with this, so long as he is there for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (17 January 2011):
 I have no clue why we can be so cruel. I'm sorry to hear about his actions and your condition. It seems life threw you a pretty hard hand and this woman certainly isn't making it any easier. I would try to talk to him and ask him to spend more time with you. I wouldn't confront her since that could make things much worse. Have ya'll talked about your situation? I wonder if she is doing it to help him cope with the idea of your cancer, not necessarily trying to hurt you. He may be hurting and really confused about all of it and she thinks she is helping him and not realizing that she is hurting you in the process. i hope this helps and makes sense. God bless you and keep you safe.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Make sure the woman knows your point of view. If she doesn't know you have a problem with it, she won't stop. Talk to her one on one, if you can, and explain to her your predicament. You have to be firm. Don't let people walk all over you.
...............................
A
male
reader, EPocket  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 am sorry of wat i read hun . felt so sad reading . its not women cruel to others its a shared feeling to both men and women .. they call it being selfish :)
if she thought for one pure min she will hold back but as she is giving him space to come closer .
if u accept me to advice u here i`ll be honored .. i`d tell u to talk in "CRUEL" way to ur man and ask ur self a name in his life . a PLACE . ask him the name he is calling you with now . if he is good enough he will wake up and think twice abt giving his family and a woman that gave him most of her effort and life .. away . to have a new comer .
all i can tell hun . bless you . hope things gets better for you . with my heart :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I don't know why or how people can behave this way. I would try to engage him, he should not abandon you like this, he should be there for you now when you need him most. If he has any conscience he is going to regret this.
I would have someone else confront her, that isn't something you should have to do now.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I have no idea other than complete selfishness. Your situation deserves the greatest respect and I am sorry you are not receiving it. It sounds like your husband has not accepted or is 'blocking' it out and his focus has drifted elsewhere? Does he have no idea how insensitive this is?! If I were you I would say precisely what you have said in your post to this other woman - i.e. could you be patient enough... etc. Over and above this do you need some further / different support as a couple during this time? If not as a couple for yourself? Can a friend or family member intervene in some way? I hope you can resolve this and wish you strength, dignity and peace.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 I am not the only one who thinks that women are losing friendships with other women. Instead of seeking each other for comfort, we compete and destroy ourselves. In native tribes women used to spend time with each other in lodges, talk about their problems and feel better, raise each other's kids, engage in the healing arts together. Nowadays we are just strangers. We gossip behind each other's backs, steal husbands, backstab coworkers.
Well, the answer to your question is that women are sad in a male dominated society where the aggressive, ruthless rule the world, and that the compassionate, empathic people get stepped over. Women cannot thrive in an environment that's unnatural for them, and when their female sides can't be nurtured.
Your husband is not very happy either. Deep down inside he feels guilty that he couldn't take care of your health. He is distracting himself by "taking care" of other women when he couldn't do that for you.
You do not confront her. You don't need more heartbreak.
This is a very sensitive subject if I make you uncomfortable I am sorry. You don't have to suffer in silence. There are support groups for people like you. Your husband could not deal with this so find someone who understands you. What are your spiritual beliefs?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): as you stated its not just her....people are cruel or at least they can be...surround yourself with the people that care about YOU and the people you care for...if these people are going to treat you this way their loss and their stupidity ....humans can be pretty horrid sometimes but we all must make the best out of the short time we all have....try to find enjoyment and happiness even during this sad time. he will not talk to you... do you think maybe he is having a hard time coming to terms with your illness....
...............................
|
