A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some very blunt, and honest relationship advice. My relationship is barely hanging on by a string.. and I guess I need someone to kind of 'counsel' me through it. (We've been together for a year and a half) I'm 17, he's 19.About 2 years and some months ago, I had just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship with my ex, I was still healing and hadn't fully recovered from it when I got into my relationship with my current boyfriend.When I first met my boyfriend, he got high and drank alot and got kicked out of school. I told him he had to quit all that if he wanted to be with me and I told him he had to go back and get his gr12. So he is currently doing so.. Everyone thought I was an amazing influence on him.. and I do try to better his life in every way that I can because I care for him..But once we started dating for 6 months we started arguing a lot more over little things, sometimes big things, but we always managed to get through it and stick together. To make a long story short.. I think my boyfriend kind of resents the fact that I made him go back to school when he didn't want too.. and made him quit smoking weed. I know he does a lot to try and keep me happy, I don't know.. maybe nothing is good enough for me. I really don't know if he's going to graduate this year or not and that puts a lot of stress on our relationship, because I know that I nag him alot..But he always seems to think that the big problems to me, are really not that important and that I'm arguing over stupid things. Maybe they are, maybe they're not but the point is.. is that they are important to me. So why can't they be important to him?He's done a lot of things in the past.. that have made me lose trust for him. Example; saying he's not drinking when he is and we have had eachothers facebook password for a year not to 'snoop' just to know that we have it. Then all of a sudden a month ago he changes it, and I told him I wanted it.. so he gives it to me, then I find out that's not even really his password..So I broke up with him, I don't know guess I'm just fed up with the fighting and the lies and feeling like we're not even in the same book anymore.. let alone the same page. I can't seem to stress enough the fact that he doesn't seem to understand me. I know he tries really hard.. and he does love me, that's not the issue because I do love him, maybe we are just to immature and don't know how to deal with our problems and just channel our anger in bad ways. But, then how do you fix that?I don't want to be broken up.. but I don't want to run back to him either, I want him to know that I'm hurt that he lied to me about his password.. and I told him the one thing in this relationship I want is honesty. He told me he didn't 'lie' to me he just changed it again after he told me, because he wants his privacy.I understand that I do.. but why now? a year and a half later? How come we had each others fb password all this time.. I know that he's not cheating on me. I know it's not why -- so why is it? Why are we constantly hurting each other if we love each other so much? We are like best friends and have a good time when we're together.. we can always make each other laugh and smile. He bought me a ring for our 1 year anniversary.. if we're THAT couple then how come we act like this?All I want is for someone to see both of our sides I guess.. someone who can view this relationship from outside the box and then tell me what exactly is going on because I don't know anymore.Maybe we need a break? or a break-up for good?
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female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 I agree with all Chigirls comments below except about the password. To me the only reason he would suddenly want his privacy is so he can talk to someone without your knowing it. Let him keep the password secret, but ask him to log you into his page one day by surprise and see if he does it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 This guy was never in the same book as you. You want someone who knows his own good, takes care of himself and ensures himself a future. Someone you can trust in, someone who will ensure that your future with him will not be rocky, someone who is independent enough for you to not have to baby-sit him.
Why are YOU with him? You said you'd only be his girlfriend if he went back to school. So by that logic every guy who's currently in school is good enough for you. You're not setting your standards too high, you're actually way too low. Why did you decide to date him?
You want a man who is in school because he KNOWS it's in his best interest. Not a man you have to force back into school. Your boyfriend might resent you for nagging on him, but that's only because he never realized in the first place what was good for him. Why are you with him when you could be with someone who already KNOWS what is good for him? Someone you don't have to nag on, or baby-sit.
I say you're not setting a high standard for your man, but you should set higher standards for yourself. You know what you want, and it's not exactly asking for too much. Your boyfriend knew what he was getting himself into, you made it clear from the beginning what you wanted out of him. But he has apparently decided that once he got you he wouldn't have to keep up to the standards any more? And hence you turn into the person who nags?
You can't change a man, you know. It's one of the top 10 rules of a relationship. You can influence, but only if he wants to change, or wants to be influenced and inspired. But you can never change.
As for the facebook password. I honour privacy. You should have never had each other's password to begin with. That resembles "ownership" too much for my tastes. It's in due time your boyfriend made his password private again, and you should make yours private. If you need love declarations, or proof of honesty, do it in other ways. Giving up passwords just to be able to keep check on each other is a symbol of owning each other, not a symbol of trust.
Why he wants the password private after a year and a half? He probably needed that much time to think about it and straighten up his mind about it. It doesn't have to mean anything in particular happened, he just felt that now it was time to get things back to how they should be. Passwords are private, period. And it's not a bad sign for your relationship that he made it private. It's a good sign, he's growing up and taking back his privacy. Standing on his own two legs.
He could have done it in a better manner, sure, and told you about it, talked to you about it. But he's immature, young, doesn't know how to do it in a better way.
Even so, the password thing seems to be the least of your worries right now. Think about what you actually want in a man, and whether or not your boyfriend has that, or if you are only trying to force him into a suit that doesn't fit.
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