A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for the last five years. We met in high school and pretty much hit it off right away. We became instantly close from then and although we have our own share of problems, porn was never one of them. We have been very open about what we desire sexually. If anything, I have realized she loves porn as much as I do. Many times I would catch her viewing it on her tablet when we're just casually watching TV or talking. During sex, she would suggest we play a game and put on porn to try to mimic every move they do and switch when they switch. Harder than I thought it would be. She's so open-minded with it that she doesn't mind me pleasing myself to it while she's not in the mood. She understands that it's just a convenient way for me to get off without bothering her for some. She understands that I love her and her only and that porn is a way for me to live out some fantasizes that would otherwise be unrealistic for us. I also accept that she likes to watch girls get satisfied by big tools (I'm not THAT big) but when it comes to experiencing it herself, she's very stand-offish. She also has a little crush on a specific porn star and likes to see his videos. I know that she loves only me so I have no reason to be jealous. Our sex life is still healthy to where we have sex several times a week (when we're in a good mood). She also uses a vibrator on herself and I don't get why so many guys get upset when their girlfriend does this. If she's feeling it, she'll even pull me into her fun. There's no reason to be angry because I know I can join at any point but watching her is just as pleasing to me. I guess her being a tomboy growing up, she doesn't feel the need to get angry or insecure whenever I use porn. I guess she understands men and their desires and does not feel threatened by a woman behind a screen. I was reading the questions a few days ago when I came across one where a lady said she would dump her boyfriend if he ever watched porn again! Really? I thank the stars my girlfriend isn't so close minded. That's what prompted me to ask this question.Why do so many women find it so hard to understand why a guy uses porn?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 July 2014):
 There's a big difference when it comes to porn. Women are not excited by it like we men are,therefore they don't find any relevance in it other than a time bandit away from them.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2014):
 The battle of the sexes has been there since long time ago. Sometimes men and women can't understand each other at all. You can say that men are from mars and women are from venus. To be compatible in a relationship I say that some degree of androgyny is needed to understand each other.
I am androgynous and visual. If I am not insecure towards porn that's because I appreciate physical beauty and have nothing against BDSM. Even after I give birth to my son, got wider and have stretch marks, I still like looking at a woman's body and do not see her as competition, but simply as a work of art. People who say being cummed on is degrading do not understand the dark side of our human psyche. I am also sure that the majority of porn watches are pretty vanilla and do not enjoy watching double anal and things that involve too much pain.
Women are insecure because they do not get anything out of porn. It does not turn them on much so it becomes one sided for men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): Here's a better question OP. Why do some men choose born over the security of their partners. If for whatever reason the person you love and are committed to is truly repulsed or upset to the point of causing arguments - why not just stop it? Whatever her reasons are, surely a two minute wank is far outweighed by nurturing a stable and secure relationship?I watch it myself from time to time but if my other half had a problem with it I would stop no problem. You wouldn't bring a pet cat home if your partner was allergic to it. So why is it OK with porn? Some people choose to hide it knowing their partner doesn't like it, well that's deception and disrespectful to the relationship. My view is that porn is not something to be celebrated. No sane man would be proud of his daughter if her great achievement in life was being a porn star. Why wouldn't they? They would be devastated / humiliated / disgusted if their mothers became porn stars? In it's current form the industry promotes a skewed view of sex which mostly degrades women and desensitise young men to the satisfaction of making love to the same woman. Making love becomes a chore because you have to warm her up and she has to orgasm all the time and at the same time as you and she has to make that sound in the process. When the reality is that most women don't orgasm from penetration alone and that the simultaneous Ô is a rarity, it creates unrealistic expectations and undue pressure. There are of course couples who use it to enhance their sex lives. But for most it is a sore point and I think if one partner is not happy with the other watching it, sorry either give it up or find a other partner who is happy with it.If you love your partner it's a no brainer.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 July 2014):
 You are very lucky you have a girl who is sexually compatible to you at this level. This means you never have to hide it or come up with lies or hide your hobby to protect her feelings. Some statistics state that women make up about 1/6 of the current porn consumers.
I personally don't have a problem with my husband's usage of porn, though I don't really have a desire to partake myself. However, I can offer a reason OTHER than insecurity as to why some women do not care for their husbands watching it, and this is one of the reasons it doesn't do much for me:
Some porn is based on domination or degradation. A woman tied up taking several penises at the same time, a guy slapping the woman he's having sex with hard as he grabs her hair and yanks it back in a show of dominance. A guy calling her degrading terms like whore and c*nt while blasting her in the face (trying not to get too graphic!), not to mention the rape fetishes as well as the real life treatment of the actresses that do porn. Also, very little foreplay is shown, portraying to young adolescents who are dumb enough to mistake porn with a sex instructional video that all it takes is a couple of seconds of nasty tonguing followed by going straight into jackhammering and exhibitionism.
That part doesn't sit well with me. I don't care about a guy using sexual images to get off. I just have a problem with the parts of porn that degrade women, and moreover use that degradation as a way to heighten a man's sexual arousal. I know that that isn't all of porn, but I've seen too much of it that is either subtly or overtly to put me off of porn.
I don't go looking for what sort of porn my husband looks at, except that he does have a fondness for a certain type and a couple of specific actresses. None of it bothers me, and I don't try and control which stuff he watches. And since he hasn't tried to act out the more degrading parts of porn, his fantasies are his alone. He treats me very well.
Just thought I'd add an alternative viewpoint. In the world of feminism, it just bugs me that degrading women is a selling point for a lot of porn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): It's called respect ! Basically women's bodies undergo huge changes for the benefits of of societies and our relationships and yet these changes are denigrated . Porn glorifies the pre baby body as if it is superior ( sure there's amateur porn but most paid porn is younng right ore mom bodies no stretch marks no sagging breast or signs if having kids)
Men simply don't undergo these changes . Sure they have normal age related changes ... Like we women ALSO have to deal with
So what do men do ???! At our most vulnerable time , when we are having pregnant and after babies when went not be feeling so great about these changes ? They decided they are not getting enough and go off to jerk off over some twenty year old that's never probably looked after a child a day let alone carried one inside her body for nine months and birth it
It's all about the lack of honour and the denigration of the greatest gifts women bring to the world
It's not Jenna's ability to take multiple penises and have bouncy pert boobs , it's about the natural beautiful we bring as your wives and mothers, girlfriends and friends . The vulnerabilities and the sacrifices we make , the shared experiences
Porn totally and utterly rejects women's uniqueness and beauty and turns them into sex packages behind a butchers window
That's why some women have an issue ! It's feels totally disrespectful ,'like a rape of the true spirit of women because in truth that's what it is and deep down, if men look inside, they know that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 July 2014):
 Personally, I'm not bothered that my husband views porn, I don't see it as competition AT all, but MANY women do. I do find that men who can USE their imagination (instead of having to watch OTHERS have sex) are all in all better lovers.
Doesn't mean I think porn is great. I think it's a scourge on society. I think it sets us back in our sociocultural evolution. But I will not go into that debate since people who ADORE porn rather turn a blind eye to what the industry does to the "actor" and to people's perception of sex.
These days EVERYTHING has to be sexualized.
You can BE sexually liberated and adventurous WITHOUT porn. I think people forget that.
Now why SOME women "hate" porn?
I think the ones who have a HUGE problem with it, are the ones who becomes resentful towards the "I'll just watch porn and wank rather than take the time to seduce my mate". And I think the women who become "NEGLECTED" sexually looks for something/someone to blame - porn is a great scapegoat.
And of course you have the men who think porn is reality. That EVERY woman LOVES gunk on her face or a penis in her rear end... because porn stars "love" it.
Porn (for some) set an UNREALISTIC view of sex. And view of women.
And then again SOME view is as disrespectful. Like swearing, or ogling other women.
WiseOwlE brought up some rather insightful points.
But, IF a women don't LIKE porn that is HER choice. Just like it's YOUR GF's choice to like it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): In reality, I think a lot of relationships are faltering from a number of complications. People in denial grasp for straws. Sometimes it is more convenient to point the finger of blame. That isn't true in all cases. It is often the case when it hits this site.
Porn is often what some men resort to when they are just tired of their moody wives and girlfriends; or when they don't get what they want, or as much as they want. Some women see porn as competition like another women. They see it as in an implication that she isn't sexy enough, or he wants to cheat on her.
No matter what is said on this site or any other; if a woman or a man has porn-envy; it's the same as envy of another woman or man, whatever the case. People get frustrated, because they are unable to read their partner's thoughts; so they jump to conclusions.
It bothers the insecure woman more than women with healthy self-esteem. Stronger women may not like porn for the potential degenerative-effects it has. They don't want that garbage around their children. They don't like seeing women sexually-objectified, and the blatant insensitivity of how the act of sex is often portrayed in videos. Dirty, without meaning, values, and void of emotion. Healthy people are not threatened by it; regardless of gender. Anyone can be disgusted by it. People who like too much of it are sick. Porn seeks to appeal to the lowest of tastes, and that would offend anyone! There seems to be no bottom to how low they will go to satisfy the most degenerate appetites. So women have a point. You wonder if that's how your guy thinks?!!
This topic is a dead-horse that gets kicked around and around; and like it or not the reality is here to stay. It is pointless to make excuses; or offer explanations when people often have deep-seated insecurities. They look in a mirror and just hate themselves, and their mate only reinforces this self-loathing by turning to porn where the models are usually sexy and beautiful (by artificial and theatrical enhancements); and the complete opposite of who she is.
They simply have to satisfy their suspicious-nature; or they just refuse to accept they've made a bad choice in mates. It is always an "outside-source" responsible for their inner-issues. Which is why it is so difficult for them to recover or respond to therapy. They need a reason to be a victim; or a scapegoat.
When a therapist forces them to look inward. The question is why does it upset you so much? Why would you compare yourself to something that isn't real? Why does it bother you that your partner masturbates? Therapy often ends once it reaches this point; I've been told by professionals I know. I just had to ask people in the mental-health profession, to see if I was missing something that may have been in a bulletin that went out to everybody else but me.
It is not easy to accept that some people are suffering because their husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend; is simply bored with their sex-life. They no longer feel close to their mates. Many things strain on the relationship. Porn is the straw that breaks the camel's back when it comes to intimacy. People just spend a lot of time whining and complaining; and feeling sorry for themselves.
That in itself is a real turn-off. It's wasted time and energy, and an ever-flowing fountain of non-sense; that will spill into humanity until the end of time.
People don't know when to let go, or how to work-out their
over-all problems and issues. They don't know how to communicate; and there is usually more complaining than loving each other in these situations.
When folks learn to love themselves, not expect others to fix them (or vice versa); and learn the it is time to move on in a failed relationship; a lot of the insecurity will go away.
Self-loathing is rampant these days, and it's commonly blamed on men. That too, is a reality we'll just have to learn to live with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): I have this issue.
It is so very hard for me to know my boyfriend watches porn. I do it too, as does almost everyone. So why the heck should I even be bothered?
The thing is, I am not, by far, a beautiful, hot girl. I'm average as it can be, I even think I'm a bit on the ugly side. And I know I have many things wrong with my body (some genetic issues, uneven breasts, yada yada yada). So knowing he is looking and reaching an orgasm looking at a beautiful woman sucks pretty much.
Also, I find it even harder if it's some amateur porn. Because those are real girls. Real life girls that are virtually reacheable, when porn stars are more of a straightly platonic thing. Knowing that out there there's a normal girl with a normal like that is ridiculously better than me, and that my boyfriend is getting satisfaction from looking at her makes me want to die.
Now, I do everything in bed. Except for some more underground things (pee, faeces, cutting or things that deal with real pain. Althought I really do not care if people like that, I myself prefer not to try it) I do it all. I have been trying to get some guts and watch a porno with my boyfriend. Just to try and shake this fear away.
I do realize that this comes from many self esteem issues, but I honestly cannot help it. That being said, I know my boyfriend never cheated on me NOR has he ever expressed anything other than love. I honestly just can't help it.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 July 2014):
 I agree with you! I can't imagine someone getting mad at me over porn. Luckily, I, too, have also been lucky to not have to deal with partners getting mad at that. It's nothing personal. It's just a way to get the job done more efficiently lol. I don't get it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): Because you are masturbating to other women y don't u understand that?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (18 July 2014):
Women like being in charge of a man's happiness and if a man makes himself happy, there will be hell to pay.
There are a lot things here which come into play if you want to compare your relationship to others. And every bit you want to compare (like past, open-mindedness etc) isn't triggered by an off/on switch.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 July 2014):
 The biggest issue with girls is that the are insecure about themselves. Every girl has body issues, something that they hate about themselves. So I guess when a man that they are with is watching porn the first thing that jumps in to there mind is oh am not good enough. They feel insecure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): There can be several reasons, but the most common one seems to be hangups about their bodies. They feel their partners are watching porn to view better looking women, and they honestly believe if they were to look like the porn stars, their partners would drop porn in an instant. A lot of the time, it's just a woman feeling insecure with no real reason, but read these women's posts, and their followups. They had boyfriends who made them feel bad because they didn't look like the women they liked to watch in porn.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-accept-that-my-appearance-is.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/concerned-about-my-boyfriend-watching-one-particular-porn.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-insecure-about-my-looks-does-he-lie.html
Also if you look at the pornography section, there have been many women writing in about how they are being ignored sexually in favor of porn. I feel in these cases, it's understandable that the women be upset. Some women are also concerned about the type of porn their partners are watching indicates a disrespect for women.
I am not bothered by it, but I don't mind if someone else has a different view.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (18 July 2014):
Although I'm not bothered by my boyfriend watching porn, having been on this site for a while, I understand there are quite a few reasons why this bothers some women.
The main one, from what I can tell, is that a lot of women feel that men shouldn't have an orgasm while looking at another woman besides them while they are together. They see it as being disrespectful to them and their relationship, given that being in a monogamous relationship usually means that sex is one of the only things that is exclusively scared between only them.
I'm personally fine with my boyfriend watching porn, since I guess for me porn is more about the act being shown rather than the people doing it. However, not everyone sees it that way and there are some women who simply don't want their partner getting sexual gratification in any way shape or form from another woman while they are together.
Secondly, many women feel insecure about their bodies/skills when faced with these 'perfect' porn actresses. Some of this is based on their own insecurities, and they feel fat/boring/ugly/inadequate or whatever next to these often surgically enhanced women.
Others, it seems, find that their partners can't differentiate between real life and fantasy, and they expect their partners to act like porn stars. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy too. From what I've read, some men expect their partners to do things they are not comfortable with (anal, have a threesome, let him cum on her face while he calls her degrading names, or whatever it may be), because he thinks that's how women should act, and they complain when their real girlfriend doesn't like to be treated like that. This can lead women to wish porn didn't exist, as sex becomes full of pressure from their partner to meet these unrealistic expectations.
And then there are those who are addicted to porn. Men who let their sex lives suffer, saying they are not in the mood or too tired to make love to their wives or girlfriends, but they spend hours pleasuring themselves in front of their computer screens. Some of these men can't even orgasm during real sex anymore, because their brains become re-wired to need the type of stimulation porn provides and their penises need the tight grip of a hand they have become used to.
This can leave partners feeling unsexy and undesired, as in this case, their man would rather get off to a virtual image rather than them. Of all of these reasons, this is the one I understand. I quite enjoy porn myself, but if it were affecting my relationship and upsetting my partner so much, I'd happily never watch it again.
I'm sure some other women who hate porn themselves will come along and add a lot more to this, but hopefully this helps a bit.
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