A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi - about 12 months ago my boyfriend (who I have been with for a couple of years)was diagnosed with a condition called 'balanitis' and it has been difficult to treat. He also had genital herpes early during the diagnosis which the clinic felt may have been dormant in him until this condition which brought it out - there has not been a recurrence of that. Due to his discomfort and soreness we have not had a sex life for a year as it just won't clear up. This is putting a real strain on our relationship so much so that I feel we have become more like friends. My boyfriend is 39 and has had around 10 sexual partners - mainly casual one night stands. When I first met him he said that he had always used a condom previously - but this turned out to be a lie. I have only had three partners as I was married for 12 years but I have had unprotected sex with him and so was very upset at what the clinic told us - but tried to move on from that. Due to his condition I have been tested for all STDs (results all negative) and still have no symptoms including herpes. Because of the strain we got into an argument recently and he said he wasn't sure how he felt any more. I am the same age as him and know that my biological clock is ticking very loudly - we spoke about having children early on in our relationship and I emphasised how important it was to be sure but to not wait forever. I have waited and waited and been so understanding about his condition but know that my window of opportunity for children is running out. This is causing additional pressure - though he seems to not really care about what that could mean for me. Our most recent argument ended up with me saying that maybe he should find someone else and I asked him about his herpes and he said immediately "well I wouldn't tell them about it". I am now left wondering whether he already knew he had something before he met me? If not, then his morals now seem in question if he is prepared to be dishonest. I am feeling angry that I have waited for things to improve and every month my chances of even starting to try for a family let alone conceiving are fading. His attitude makes me wonder who he really is - he seems not bothered by any of it. Should I just walk away from this?
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condom, herpes, move on, one night stand, sex life, std, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Herpes never goes away. Balanitis, which is an inflammation of the head of the penis, has many causes, and there's one of them that never goes away.
His diseases have created a situation where you feel you will not be having the children you want.
That is a difficult thing to happen, and many people leave their partners for it. I think you want to leave but would rather he leaves you, because leaving him would make you feel bad about yourself.
If you want the children, maybe the most likely way to have them is to find another man.
I'm not saying this to persuade you not to leave your boyfriend, but you may spend a long time finding someone who will be good enough for kids.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2014):
 Herpes is no doubt a sexually transmitted disease. The symptoms vary from one person to another. His condition is very severe. I don't know if it's related to balanitis which is suppressing his immunity. One thing I also know is that herpes has carried so much stigma, like that person must be promiscuous or slutty.
When you talked about breaking up and that he should find someone else, what he says to his partner is of no concern of yours.
I find that you are really frustrated in this relationship and are trying to find the best reason to end this, without feeling guilty. You question his morals. There are many reasons to end this. You've had no sex life. You want a baby and he doesn't care. He is unhealthy. You argue all the time. You forget what his good qualities are. Just end it because you are unhappy. If you knew about his herpes and didn't dump him before, then it's not as good a reason to break up just based on that.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 July 2014):
 Okay well he said in a conversation that he would not tell a new partner, however this might not be the case. We all say things and sometimes we do not truly mean them. Yes I agree it is a bad attitude to have. However in his defense I am sure this is a difficult thing for him to deal with and he seems to be in a lot of pain with it, which am sure is effecting him hugely.
I guess you just need to sit and think about your life, ask yourself what you really want. Sit and have a conversation with your partner, if you both cannot seem to have a serious talk then maybe even go and see someone who specializes in this area between couples.
I can see that the situation that you are in now at the moment is not a healthy situation at all and neither you nor him seem to be happy. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, however it is needed for that bond to stay in place. You need to think deeply is this the life you want. It could be possible that he has put off sex for the last year as maybe he is embarrassed by his condition. Does he talk openly to you about it? Are you there for him emotionally? Am sure this is a hard thing for anybody to accept. It is also possible that he caught these herpes while using a condom as a condom does not protect you from this STD. I wish you a happy future in whatever you decide. Also it might be worth looking in to freezing your eggs if you feel that time is slipping away.
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