A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:why are some people incapable of asking how you are?I mean friends, long term friend, any friend. A long term friend of mine never bothers to say this, I always ask after her and want to know how she is, isnt that what friends do!!?Other friends I see occasionally may ask! When you meet up You ask how they are, hows work, hows ****, whats been happening, seen any good movies etc,,usual polite and normal conversation, but they never return the favor.Is it rude? why are they incapable of this? surely aquaintances and friends do this? Im not talking random strangers that ask out of oblogation, ( ie in retail etc)is she rude, self absorbed, what? Ive known her years and years! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (17 January 2015):
 I have one friend who likes to talk about herself, her problems, her feelings. I like her a lot, since we really have a lot in common and she's fun - but she's not great at engaging someone else in conversation. "I... I... I... me... me... me..."
After getting annoyed for like, a month, I finally realized that I wasn't being fair and giving her an opportunity to fix the problem. So, eventually I told her, "I'm a little hurt because you don't really ask me about how I'm doing and what's going on with me. Sometimes it feels like things are a little one-sided".
Boy, was she embarrassed. And she really made a lot of effort to change and be more aware of what's going on with me. Sure, she sometimes can get a little 'her' focused, but what means more to me is when she really tries to make sure she's attending to her side of the friendship as well.
If this is one person, and your friendship is long-standing, and they're a nice person, you should try to be honest with them. If friends can't be honest, then what is the point?
People are not mind-readers, and I really believe that people we like are entitled to the opportunity to make things right, if they've screwed up. But they don't get an opportunity if you quietly stew! Try being honest and see what happens.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2015):
 I don't think it's rude not to ask, but I think it's a little uncommon.
SO many people ASK how are you? but don't bother listening to the answer or changes the subject. Some (I have found) in the US uses "how are you" as a greeting, not because they actually care. In the beginning when I first moved to the States I would actually take the time to answer and ask them back, till I found out it was a "greeting" not a question.
Maybe she doesn't ask because you inadvertently tell her throughout the conversation, so she KNOWS what's up at your end.
Or if you "unburden" a lot of negativity, they feel maybe it's better NOT to ask.
I had a co-worker who was a hypochondriac. YOU did NOT ask her how her week-end was unless you wanted a long tirade about diarrhea or feeling sick or going to the doctor and how useless the doctors at the ER are....
Or you two have an unspoken "routine" when you talk. One of you ask more questions the other answers.
There can be so many reasons why. I'd ask her if it really bothers you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 January 2015):
 your question is about this ONE person?
why does this one person not ask you how you are?
perhaps she does not care?
where is it written that a friend has to be a friend in a particular way?
have you ever asked this friend "why don't you ever ask how I am or what I'm up to? do you not care?"
some folks have disorders that impact negatively on their social skills... since you deem this a necessary social skill why not school her in what you need/want from a friend?
why keep a friend in your life that does not meet your needs?
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (16 January 2015):
 Well what DOES she talk about? She may not go through the typical formalities, but those are often not genuine and said out of expectation. Your concern should be does she ultimately speak with you about your life and your activities? Or does she only talk about her self ?
It's possible she is self centered, but then the question to measure the friendship would be - is she there when you need her? When you have a crisis or are need an ear, is she available and caring?
If she's there to listen and act in times of your need, I wouldn't worry about her specifically asking "how are you" "how is work."
If she just simply does none if these things, then you just might not have a real friendship. She enjoys having someone to fall on and talk about HER problems with, but isn't ready to return the courtesy. In which case, she needs to eventually learn how to treat the people she values, and who value her.
~Sy
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