A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why are people always negative or trying to make me feel small. What is it that I do?From a young age, I have always had to deal with negativity. As a result I have become auto-pilot positive in response (could call it defensive). I often realised my success would cause pain to some close friends that I had for 15-20yrs. In my own journey in life, I had ups and downs. When I’m not doing too good, not many people like to help, but when I’m doing well everybody wants to give advice. Long story short, I tried to train myself that I have to let go of people who get jealous or react negatively to my success. For example bobby was always more clever than me at school, but in real life I done a lot better, bobby hides his failures and likes to put me down by telling me I’m wrong. I am truthful but he just shows me as everything as perfect in his life when I know it’s not. I do not want to make him feel worse so I do not highlight his failures. I offer help and support when needed. Only reason I do not walk away is 20yrs of friendship cannot be bought.Now I thought leaving behind bobby may help him, and me. I thought if I’m friends with more successful people then perhaps that would sold the problem.So my other friend, I have -Jack. Jack is highly educated, has landed himself high profile job, knows what he wants in life and we also studied together. I rely on jack for support as he is in a good job he never hesitates to support me and help me. Often telling me to do better.Anyway bad times finish...and I did well...Recently I made it big, I hit a very good job. And when I told bobby, he congratulated me but I felt very awkward after. And now every time I mention it, there’s silence, he will stare into the wall behind me, and I will feel really awkward as if I’m talking to myself. Every time I mention it, the subject gets changed. So i left it, blaming myself for even talking about it. (20yrs friendship makes me think I can share whatever) Now I was even more surprised by jack. He totally flipped and said thier processes are poor, and your not in a high profile role as you think (what kind of thing is that to say to someone). And I just felt so shutdown as If im being punished for sharing my happiness. Like who is he to criticise things that he doesn’t even know about.I told the third friend, and he didn’t even congratulate. We do so much together, and since I landed a job he is discussing his promotion and moving up . WHY does everyone suddenly talk about their own promotion SUDDENLY after I discuss my career change.I struggled for 10yrs working hard, not one person says you done well and you should be happy. But I feel even more alone, sometimes I think if I was working minimum wage I would have those friends back. Everyone I come across is like this. As a result I feel extremely alone. I’m positive remember, but it’s been half a year I can’t find people who actually are genuine or won’t get jealous. Surely the problem lies with me? Everyone cannot be wrong.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2018): Hey thank you all for replies. OP here, just quickly relying to the last message , when I have time I will reply to others. I was not bragging, i was becoming increasingly worried that they have not confirmed certain things with me and could it be that they could withdraw thier application leaving me with no job. So my question was- would that company be doing this check? Should I be concerned? I was worried. And his response was agitated. Anyway it’s bit like, if one of my friends buys a new car or house, I will specifically make some time and go over, visit them, talk to them, share thier happiness, share advice I can help with (if I been through it) and never ever say anything negative because it’s not my life or my house or my car. I hope that helps. But please tell me, it’s easier to change me than my friends. So I shred me apart, let’s get to the bottom of this. :) thanks
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 March 2018):
 OK, think aloud here and totally shooting in the dark (because I don't know you or your friends, and I have obviously not been there when these discussions have occurred).
Is it possible you change as a person when things are going well for you? Is it possible that, when things are not going so well, you show your vulnerable side and, hence, your friends feel more protective towards you and try to support you? Is it possible that, once things start to go better (e.g. landing a decent job), you become a bit smug or self obsessed and fixate on your success? I just wonder from the comment you made about your friend telling you that you were not in such a high profile role as you thought. There was obviously some sort of a lead up to that comment. Were you bragging perhaps?
I totally get that you want people to be happy for you in what you consider to be a major event in your life (Congratulations, by the way!) but perhaps, once you have mentioned it, you could try to talk about other stuff and see how your friends are with you?
As I said, just random guesswork here.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (3 March 2018):
 I don't know much about you as an individual but I can see how these "friends" of yours make you feel. Your new found success has left you feeling like crap because....of other people in your life.As humans we tend to grown into newer versions of ourselves and as a result sometimes need to let go of the tightest and oldest friendships we once had. If you've reached a point in your life where you think your friends can't be happy for you maybe it's time you start looking for some new ones.Are you sure you don't tend to put a heavy focus on yourself when around others? If you do without realizing it that could be the reason why everyone is so annoyed with you. If not I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to celebrate your victory a little.This could be a chapter in your life which wants you to examine the people you keep in your space. Make sure you are surrounding yourself with good people and be cautious of wolves in sheep clothing.All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2018): Oops! I apologize for using the reference "sweetheart!" I realized I'm speaking to a male OP. Please pardon my mistake!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2018): Sweetheart, what you've been through is whats called "determining who your true friends are."
We as humans have this particular trait called "envy." It is a form of hatred. Not a single one of us with a sound and sane mind doesn't experience this emotion. It's how far you allow it to overtake you that determines your character; and it is also a deal-breaker when you're discerning and accessing friendships. I've been taught all my life that to envy is to hate God for blessing someone else; and that will limit the blessings you receive. I guess your friend is learning this may be true.
Friends remain with you through your highs and lows. They rejoice for your victories, and they've got your back through failures. You return the favor! They soften the blows when life gets hard, and they show you empathy through your trials and tribulations. You may start out with dozens of friends; and the trials of time will whittle them down to a few. You may be left with only one!
You've heard the adage; "it's not the quantity, it's the quality" of friendships. Some need a lot of "likes" and life is a popularity-contest. Technology has introduced insensitivity and callousness into how we interact with others.
Give me one good dependable friend, and I'm all set. I've learned this over time and with maturity. I've lost friends due to distance, death, and I had to rid myself of a few. Some departed of their own free-will!
Don't judge humanity as negative. We all have our faults.
You get to choose your friends. You sometimes have to let them go; and sometimes God decides that for you. When a blessing comes upon you; sometimes providence will remove those who will impede that blessing. Sometimes people who are bad for us are revealed through unexpected behavior. Truth outs posers we want to call "friend," and shows us whether that title is deserved. Their true-nature and motives become apparent and exposed.
We even outgrow friends, or they may outgrow us! Neither is bad for the other, just no longer matched. You don't choose friends for what they have or don't have; but for what they want to give and how they receive.
We don't have to hold-on to a friendship unless it retains its value. There has to be reciprocity and trust. You have to be able to count on each other. Sometimes we are challenged and changed by time and events. We have spats and disagreements. All relationships are tested or stretched. We grow older, and our needs or values change. Therefore; what we want and need in a friend changes too! A true friend will weather the storm of change. They will evolve along with us. They will help us to evolve, and the love will endure!
Consider only those people friends who celebrate you. Base your love and loyalty on their honesty, trust, and consistency. Allow for human weaknesses only if they do not do you harm. Check your own behavior and know when you're boasting or flaunting your achievements. Boastfulness and conceit are bad traits too! Sometimes we can get over-impressed with ourselves and over-share good news to the degree it is rubbing everyone's nose in it. Be humble and tone it down.
Your timing of celebration may have some effect on how your good news is received. It's hard to be jovial when you've just suffered a major downturn in your luck, or had a big failure. Maybe you're just having a bad day!
If a so-called friend always looks down on your victories and accomplishments; and never seems happy for you. How can that person be considered a friend? That kind of person is better defined as a long-time acquaintance. In my case; that's somebody that I used to know! Time to clean house!
When envy shows and becomes blatantly obvious; they are actually displaying their hatred and disappointment in your success. That's really an enemy! They find solace in your despair or misfortune; because that makes them feel superior.
There comes a time when you must discontinue relationships; or you slowly distance yourself to sever ties. Chances are, they won't even miss you. You'll find you won't miss them either. There may be sorrow or grief of loss; but some good things do come to an end.
You yourself are only considered a friend when you can bring joy and love; and the recipient is highly receptive and appreciative of what you bring.
No you can't buy friendship; but nor can you collect people like relics and keepsakes, because they've been around a long-time. They sometimes have to be set free. Making new friends is also a blessing. When or if that solidarity and love of a friend cannot be sustained; graciously wish them the best and farewell.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2018):
 Maybe just accept that talking about careers and jobs is NOT something to do with these guys.
they can't be supportive when it comes to work and careers.
Why? Because men (especially) are VERY competitive when it comes to careers/status even if they think they are not. You are too. After all, that is what you describe about your friends.
Sometimes people turn a tad "green" (aka jealous) when their friend do well.
Use your friends for what they CAN give and give that back. Hang out talk movies, cars, vacations - whatever but if the subject of careers leaves such a rotten taste in everyone mouth... skip that subject.
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