A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why are men put off by women who lack confidence? Why is it so unattractive to them? I ask this because i believe that's why my crush isn't showing interest. He's 40 odd and I'm 27. I am almost certain I saw him looking at my body and the very few times we see each other at work he seems keen on making me laugh. I sent him a message on Facebook believing we hit it off, all he said I don't use facebook often see you in the office, that's it. He appeared to be dating someone but that was way back at the start of February. Nothing on his Facebook indicates he's taken at the moment. I've seen him 5 times and for the last 4 it was like we were joined at the hip. We always walk out of the building together.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2014): If one of the sexes is more turned off by a lack of confidence, it's not men.
A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (13 June 2014):
 Hi,
I think sometimes people are put off because they assume lack of confidence means a lack of something else too.
Men and women like the forward and go getter types, the hunter gatherer who will take what they want by force if necessary.
It's the old bang them on the head and drag them to your cave mentality.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 June 2014):
 For the same reasons women are put off by a lack of confidence, and it's not limited to dating.
People who lack confidence are a bit more work and less fun compared with folks who are.
Your scenario is, I think, a simple case of you reading more into an office friendship than there was. As far as he's concerned you misinterpreted friendliness with romantic interest and he doesn't want to give any reason to make the same mistake again.
I suggest you just act normal and professional around this guy. once he sees that you're not invested in him and hold no hard feelings he'll relax around you. That said, I would accept any overtures he might make in the future. He had his chance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2014): Thanks Mark good answer, I don't think he has children he seems young for his age. Whoever he was dating lives quite a while away from us. It is only volunteer work aswell I don't know if that makes a difference. Perhaps he still is dating them, I don't know if it's in my imagination but he is avoiding me aswell.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (13 June 2014):
 Hi,
Your confidence, or lack of, is not the issue here. Its probably a combination of the following...
- He probably finds you attractive and enjoys flirting with a young women but feels you are too young for him. He may have children not much younger than you. He may also have the experience to know not to actually get involved with someone he works with, especially someone much younger.
- You say he was dating someone "way back" in February but that was hardly a long time ago ;-) Chances are he is still with that person or quite recently split and not willing to get involved with anyone else right now.
- He is a middle aged man enjoying a bit of flirting with an attractive, younger woman. He gets an ego boost from having his flirtations with you reciprocated and probably likes to flirt with women in general in work or social situations as some people are natural flirts.
- Some middle aged men hang around young, attractive staff in work situations to show off that they can still impress a young woman or because they want to appear younger...AKA Mid-life crisis. Or because they have a hot body. Maybe he has a "reputation" that you are not aware of?
- Maybe he doesn't use FB and doesn't express himself well when using it. At the risk of generalising, many of us who are, say 35 plus, don't use it as much as younger people. I know many people in their twenties and I think they all use FB, whereas of the pretty much equal number of folk forty plus, i'm don't think more than two or three use it and only then its an occasional thing. That's not true of everybody obviously, but its not too uncommon for people in their forties not to be big social media users.
- Perhaps his cold FB response was because he has a wife or girlfriend and doesn't want her knowing he flirts with you at work?
- he might see that you are lacking confidence and wants to bring you out of your shell without actually doing anything other than flirt.
- It's possible he was simply being friendly and is an open, pleasant guy who naturally makes friends easily. As you obviously like him you may have mistaken his friendly persona with something more than it actually was.
You have only met him five times. So I wouldn't read too much into this. There is a big age gap between you, you have to work together which would make things awkward if you had a relationship of some kind that ended, he may be like this with every young woman in the office and out side of work on FB he is probably either cold with you as he is not interested, or because he maybe has a partner.
Also, and I speak generally with no knowledge of this mans situation or history at all, you don't want people gossiping that this older man has got a new play thing, ie: you. In most work places there is one or two mid life crisis guys who flirt and chase anyone young and attractive.
As for your lack of confidence and feeling it makes you less attractive, sometimes lacking confidence can make someone appear aloof or distant. Neither of which is appealing usually. Its something you need to work on. You don't tell us too much about that side of yourself so I will talk generally. Attractive young women who are shy or not good at being confident in social situations can sometimes come across as either "good looking and knowing it", arrogant or simply "hard work". Also, by lacking confidence and social maturity, we can come across as younger, less experienced or be perceived as not making an effort.
For a man to chat up a woman and make an approach he needs to be given a set of signals from the woman to make him feel its okay to do so. Shy people often do not reciprocate those signals because of a lack of confidence, leading to men thinking they are being shunned.
Mark
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