A
female
age
41-50,
*odkablue
writes:i cant understand why this is bothering me my ex fiance got married 6 months ago and hearing it has upset me quite badly.when we were together we were together about 4 years we got engaged and the ring he got me cost 15.99- we were both on good salaries.anyway we got a house together and a car and eventually i got fed up of feeling like a spare part and left-he wasnt that considerate towards me he kept the house and car and i walked away empty handed.so now i hear the news hes got married and im upset and i cant understand why-i keep having visions of him having a personality change and treating the new girl much better.ts really upsetting me and i dont want it to help !
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female
reader, ot_teddybear  +, writes (2 September 2009):
I noticed you wrote this in July so I hope you are feeling better now that it is September!!Apart from the above posts, which I have read and have some very good advice, I know EXACTLY what you are feelin. And it is fresh and it hurts a lot. We were together 5 years, he treated me like poo, showed me little respect at times, cheated on me, then broke up with me and I didnt hear from him again for two years!! After this time he wrote me saying he was a changed man, that he realised I was THE ONE and wanted to see me. I never replied. Now it is 3 years later and he is married to someone new. I now have to live with the question of if I made the right choice of not contacting him!!I probably have the same images and thoughts in my head as you! Maybe he really did change and I shoulda gave him a second chance. Where would I be today?? I keep thinking their relationship is perfect although I'm sure it is not. And I live with the question everyday of what could have been. And he did have many good points to, and I cannot help to dwell on those, no matter what others may advise. I know I shouldn't focus on this, but I can't help it!I also think, I went through so many things with him... why does she deserve to be with him now that he is a changed man??Then I try to think about this....1) Is he a really a changed man?? like the above poster said, he wanted to marry me too, we just never made it official. Then when we broke up the last time he told me... "... if we were to get married, even if we had kids I would probably still cheat on you down the road." And "I'll probably never get married, I'm just not that type" This is the main reason I did not go back to him. Who says that to someone??? And if I did take him back and we did get married, and he did cheat like he said, how could I look at myself, or our children!! It would've been my own fault for taking him back because he forewarned me!!2) Marriage is not all it is cracked up to be! and I hear this from my "happily married" friends. People like that, I assume will never change! Lets see him with her 5 years down the road and if he is still happy? Maybe he will maybe he wont. But the things he said were true, strong, and hard to change in a person! I deserve better!3) And they don't change... like the above poster said she is probably putting up with the doo- doo you weren't willing to anymore! Of course they have to be compatible in someways, otherwise they wouldn't be married!! But who really knows how much crap she really has to put up with and how much she has to zip her mouth! After five years, I wasn't willing to do it anymore! And we probably would've gotten divorced!!But it still hurts, I do know! And its okay to talk to whoever will listen. But keep moving on with your life! Things happen for a reason and time heals all! When I feel like this I always place it in God's hands!! Then it always works out and I begin to feel peace! If you ever want to talk feel free to contact me! Also if anyone has advise for myself I would love to hear it, for I am also trying to cope, too! I know I will though!!
A
female
reader, vodkablue +, writes (23 July 2009):
vodkablue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrish thanku so much x and everyone else youre very kind x
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (23 July 2009):
odds are good you had a fantasy that's you'd prevail and live a better life, be better looking, richer, thinner etc. than him.... you don't mention if you're currently in a relationship, but it's possible that his reachingthis milestone before you has triggered some sense of failure on your part and that it's coming to the surface this way.
Let him go, you left him for very valid reasons... odds are good his new bride will too...!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 July 2009):
 Hi, I guess you didn't think the answers you got to the previous questions were helpful? Nor did you leave any feedback for the aunts there.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-am-i-so-upset-my-ex-got.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-consumed-by-jealousy-that-my-old-boyfriend.html
It's normal to feel upset when an ex gets married--lost potential, the end of any fantasy of getting back together with the ex, etc.
What's not normal is for it to consume your life and leave you unable to cope. If this is indeed the case, then you do need to seek counseling. It's not a failure on your part to do this, it's just that you've managed to run out of coping strategies, or the ones you have are inadequate to the task.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): Hello,
Well, the first thing you should do is stop thinking about your ex with his new wife.
Stop making all these pretty pictures in your head about how he is treating her, what he has bought her or what he is doing for her.
Next stop comparing your relationship to that of theirs. You are never going to REALLY know about the dynamic of their relationship as you are not part of it, so you will inevitably make up POSITIVE things about how he treats her and then compare that to the NEGATIVE experiences that you have had whilst you were with him. This is an unfair comparison, as you will always end up feeling bad as its your negatives going up against their (assumed) positives.
Finally, people rarely change. IF he treated you in a certain way chances are that he treats her the same way too. He was willing to marry you at one point so it was not like he was against marriage and then suddenly met the other girl and changed completely around. So it could be that he takes her for granted, treats her exactly as he did you bought her a 15 quid ring but for some reason SHE decided that this was all she wanted in life and stuck with him. Whilst you on hte other hand, decided you were worth more, had greater value and moved on. Looking at it like this who is the winner?
Take Care
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