A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not currently actively looking to date right now, but I'm still feeling pretty confused and frustrated being unable to "woo" a girl, especially when I try to watch and see what the more "successful" guys are doing to attract women. And honestly, I just don't get it.I've observed plenty of guys who are very successful with women, that act the following way: They'll spend a lot of time around a particular girl, talking to, joking around, and teasing them, developing banter. However, said guys are VERY "sexually charged". Around girls, they're very liberal with making sexual jokes, innuendo, implications, suggestions, etc., hell, sometimes to me, they say things that sound downright perverse. Yet, girls seem to be "okay" with that, and even enjoy being around said guys. And I'm not even just talking about the shallow "easy to get with" kind of girls, even girls that seem smarter and more mature.Now me, I'll try to spend time around a girl that I like, and I'll similarly talk, joke around, playfully tease, and try to build up banter with. But I try to do so in a more "innocent" kind of way. I try to stay away from saying or doing anything that could be misconstrued to come across as even the least bit "sexual" in any way. Yet, if/ when I actually ask a girl out or otherwise communicate to her how I really feel, things get "weird" and she becomes uncomfortable around me, and in the most extreme cases, I get pegged as some kind of "sexual harasser".I just don't understand how guys can get away with being so "sexual" towards women, and that's perfectly acceptable, yet I try to be nicer and way less overt when pursuing a girl, yet I end up coming off as the "creepy weirdo".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): Any respectful girl will pay those guys no attention and walk away.
You're only in your 20's, by your 30's the tables will have turned. As a male you'll be a better catch in your 30's while the opposite is true for women. You'll have your pick of the litter - women in their 40's, 30's and even 20's will be interested.
For now, focus on being the best you, your education and hobbies. Your time is coming.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (23 January 2013):
Dear OP,Maybe you have some general misconception about women.We don't necessarily like people that are trying to be non-sexual, since we enjoy sexuality as well. Women aren't all innocent, immaculate virgins that shy away by the simple notion of sexuality and feel harassed by the desire of a man.What makes someone come across as "creepy" is when that person is out of tune with the others and doesn't seem to get some social rules of the group he's in. For instance, while an attractive guy that knows a girl for a long time can get away with a very sexual joke, someone who's considered less attractive, shy or doesn't know the girl for a longer time will come across as super creepy. With just the same joke. Also, if an eighteen year old intern says that joke, it will come across as more harmless than if the 40 year old boss says it. There are a lot more examples like this:For instance, when I see a cute guy in a club and he sees me and we have some eye contact and we both nonverbally "click" and smile at each other and then this guy comes across the room and I look at him with anticipation, and then he just pulls me towards him and kisses me, that's okay. It's even sexy. I don't mind if he didn't introduce himself and asked politely, if he could join for a dance or how often I come here etc.. (However, I will probably also not consider him boyfriend material, because I'll be afraid he's like that to all the women.)BUT: If there's a guy that I accidentally look at, and he mistakes it for a signal and dances around me, and I repeatedly turn away from him, don't smile and ignore his initiative to conversate, but he still keeps hanging on and eventually tries to pull me towards him, I'll get freakishly mad. Depending on what he does, it might even be considered harassment, also by the people around. So, from the outside, as a guy, you might not get this. Why does the girl let one guy kiss her right away but gets mad at the other? The solution is just "chemistry" and it's very subtle. The point is not the sexuality of the act, but that I want it in one case and not in the other. No, it's not fair but that's the way it works. Women have different rules for every man in their environment. Maybe you also make too much out of the rejection that every man gets now and then. What is a creep for one woman is a misunderstood hero for the other, maybe you just pick girls that don't really get you. Or did any woman ever call your actions harassment?What I can recommend you is: Make the best out of who you are. Working out and dressing according to your style is always a good idea. Focus on your strengths and then playing with them also.If you're not so good at making jokes, don't play the clown. If you're not so good at making conversation, chose a way to get to know people that doesn't require so much conversation in the first few minutes of getting to know someone. For instance, let a wing man help you. Or do a dancing class. Or online dating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): *aren't = are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): Kenny's right OP, that's in character for those guys, girls feel comfortable with that kind of thing because it's what they expect from that kind of guy.
I'm a flirty, dirty talk fecker, a guy known to be unashamedly inappropriate and I pull that off because I'm like that with everyone and I'm naturally a loveable rogue. I don't come across as sleazy mostly, because I don't have to force it.
OP as Kenny rightly stated, women feel uncomfortable around guys that aren't faking it or forcing it. The only way you'll make women comfortable with you in that way is to be yourself. I mean if those guys you describe tried to act more "clean", more respectful and quieter then that wouldn't work for them either because women would sense something is up.
I mean I wasn't always this way, I used to be quite reserved and overly respectful, I tried emulating the brash, sexually charged guy once or twice when I was like that and it was a disaster because it wasn't me. The way I got women back then was through intellectual connection, good conversation and very light flirting before asking them out. I got rejected plenty of course but it worked well for me most of the time because it's who I was.
OP women all have different tastes, some like quiet and reserved others like outgoing and brash. The one thing they all love is a guy who is genuine and genuinely being himself.
Stop watching other guys and trying to copy them. Just be you, make jokes you think are funny, talk about things that interest you and when you find a woman who you have a fun conversation with and find attractive, ask for her number. It's as simple as that.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (23 January 2013):
 I think that you are thinking to much about about the whole getting a girl thing and how to act. The guys you are observing acting like this are probally doing what come naturally to them, they are being themselves. I think that when you try to do the same thing its unatural behaviour for you, and the members of the opposite sex can sence this. I think you would attract more girl's if you just acted natural and were yourself.
Good luck
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