A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together for 4 years. We are both late 20s. Lately we have been talking about moving in together. i have my own place and he still lives at home. Its not the best time to try and sell my house with out loosing money (he has been pressuring me to do this)It often depends on what mood he is in when we talk about it, because one day he'll say one thing and the next time he'll say another. He'll often be sarcastic and im never really sure when he is serious or just joking around.He has told me if he moves in with me he will pay half the water, gas and electricity bills. He will contribute to the food. That is it. He doens't want to pay any rent or similar. I feel that this is very unfair and he'll pretty much be getting a free ride. Since ive been in my house, ive noticed certain things when he stays and feel they will continue and be worse if he moves in (e.g. he is very bad at cleaning up after himself and rooms after he's made a mess - ive found rotting food in all sorts of places that hes left.). He often jokes that he would expect dinner waiting for him when he gets home from work and his laundry done too. Sounds like he just wants some one to replace his mother! Im never quite sure when he is serious tho! any advice would be great. just not sure how to approach the situation from here and if he does move in, what are other options for him 'to pay his way' a bit more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): Basically he sees you as the second mother only with the added benefit of sex. Sounds legit.All the great things have been said here. Don't have this guy move in with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): After your wedding, pool money and pay bills, lol you sound too well put together to marry this guy he needs some decade before he's ready to be responsible first for himself and then for a real relationship. Good luck, removing him from your home will be very expensive and tiring, get a man on your level.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 January 2013):
 You write: "...any advice would be great."
Surprisingly, this is an easy inquiry for giving advice. That advice is: DON'T ALLOW HIM TO MOVE IN TO YOUR ADDRESS.... The ONLY thing that that changes (from your's and his current status) is that, once you finally get sick and tired of him, you won't be able to just drop his sorry a$$.... BUT you will also have to evict him from your (common) address. Why bother taking on this predictable task?????
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (23 January 2013):
Dear OP,Your feeling is right on this one - of course he'll be getting a free ride and that's not fair. Sounds like expects you to love him and serve him just as mommy did and this will get on your nerves. Please don't be too nice now, you will regret it later. 50:50 it is with everything. If he had financial troubles and couldn't pay as much, at least he should suggest to make it up, e.g. by making more in the household. He seems to be offering the opposite though. Paying less for doing less..Sit down with him in a no-joke-minute and tell him your conditions. You can also say that you think it would be good for him if he had a place of his own. You don't need to say it would in fact be better for the both of you :)By the way.. don't let him pressure you into making any financial decisions. Don't listen to a guy who probably still can't wash his laundry..
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 January 2013):
 He does NOT sound ready to move in with someone. He also sounds sexist. Joking constantly about sexist things does in fact make him sexist. If you let him move in what will happen is exactly what you think will happen. He will mooch off you, weasel out of helping you pay for things, leave huge messes everywhere, and treat you like his maid. Frankly I don't see this relationship progressing further unless he suddenly wakes up and decides to behave like an adult.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 January 2013):
 He won't have rights to the house if he pays rent. I don't think that's correct.
But I don't think he's being fair here either.
If you are willing to live together as husband and wife (basically that's what moving in together does) you both have to be willing to make changes and you have to discuss all expenses.
setting him up as a roommate/tenant is not my idea of how a relationship works.
I own our home. It's in my name only since my husband moved in with me way after I bought the house. My name alone is on the deed. The mortgage is held in my name only. The ONLY reason we have not changed this is we plan to move within 3-6 years and it's very expensive to make these changes. And we are married so if something does happen to me, he inherits as my spouse.
TO me living together for a couple should be treated as if you were married. And for me personally marriage means what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine and therefore we have OURS not yours or mine.
To me the first thing you have to do is figure out how you feel about this. IF you think that you are not ready to merge all your funds with this man, then you are probably not ready to live with him.
IF your ideas don't mesh with his, then it's not a good idea to make it permanent.
My husband came to me with savings. and an 6 figure inheritance that we promptly used to fix up our home.
While I make more than he does, we combine all our funds 100% and pay all the bills out of OUR money. I do not charge him rent. He does not pay 50% of the mortgage or the electric or the food. Our food bill DOUBLED. He eats very differently than I do... I have to basically shop for two homes in one.
I do the shopping (I'm used to the area) I do the laundry (his stuff is washed and dried and he puts it away) because he has no clue how to wash bras or panty hose properly....
Cleaning... we have maid service... WHY? because I got sick and tired of not having any help with the cleaning of the house...
Cooking... well I am traditional in my thinking and I tend to be the one to make dinner and clean up... but he can cook if he likes.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (23 January 2013):
 Hi
Erm why would you want to live with a man who leaves food around to rot,never tidies up and thats when he's just a visitor.Also YOU tell him what he pays, its your house, your not a charity, no rent, no sharing home,simple
Bad idea to move this one in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): Sounds like what my bf does, minus the rotting food and he does help clean. I agree that it sounds like he wants you to replace his mother. He sounds like howard from big bang theory. I agree that it will only get worse- from personal experience. If you really want to move in together, add another 50 bux at least to the water and pge- roughly (over estimate) and the divide it by two, do the same with the mortgage AND Do NOT take financial advice from a man that lives with his mother, go with your gut on this. Anyways divide the bills and such tell him that if he wants to move in it will cost this amount. Make a rules list. Unless there is some reason why he cant make dinner for himself- he should not expect it. Make a chore list. Yeah! You aren't his wife, he can do his laundry and clean up after himself. Only himself?! That's not hard. But after all this, he may not want to move in. It could be too much responsibility and if it is, then you may want to re evaluate this relationship. You are dating a boy. If he can't take take the step into adulthood, is that who you really want a future with? Just things to consider, but plan everything out BEFORE he moves in. Get everything in a contract and make him sign. Good luck, hopefully he'll be able at the very least to stop being a pig when he comes over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): The only fair way is to split everything 50/50. And ideally you want a guy who would be willing to take on even more responsibility than that. But 50/50 is the bare minimum he should contribute. Laugh back at his jokes and politely reply by telling him that the only way you would consider him moving in is if you split everything 50/50 at the minimum. And he needs to help with the chores, duh. You are not his maid. I wouldn't start a argument about it or anything, but make sure he knows where you stand. And don't budge.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): "if he does move in, what are other options for him 'to pay his way' a bit more"He can pay you what you paid for your house, allowing you to move out and be rid of him while suffering no financial losses.Agree with iAmHere, why are you still with this deadbeat loser, never mind seriously considering allowing him to shack up with you in your house on his terms at his convenience? You are absolutely right, he is looking for someone to replace his mother with the added bonus of unrestricted low-cost no-obligation no-commitment sex.You must be desperate to have a penis-based life form in your life given that you've hung on to this deadbeat loser slob for four years and now you're even thinking about letting him move in to mooch and freeload and be waited on for the foreseeable future. There is absolutely no benefit or advantage for you while he has everything to gain. If after four years he's unsuitable as a potential husband and future father, then he's worthless as a live-in boyfriend.Hopefully you will soon to your senses, at least as far as NOT letting him move in to YOUR house, and do NOT sell at a loss; likely boyfriend only wants you to liquify your assets so he can hit you up for "loans" and other financial favors. Cut your losses and dump him ASAP.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 January 2013):
 You should be splitting everything 50/50, unless one of you earns significantly more than the other. So that means he should pay 50% of the rent, food, gas, electric, internet, phone bill....anything that you pay for on this house he needs to contribute 50% towards.
HOWEVER - do you own this house or rent it? Because if you OWN it, then I presume you have a mortgage? And if you allow him to contribute towards the mortgage payments (i.e. he pays rent to you) then you are putting yourself in a compromising position. In the event that you ever split up, if he can prove he has paid you money each month towards the mortgage, then he legally will have rights to the house, and he could try and claim some money from you. For example if you split up and you chose to sell the house, he could get potentially half of the house's value.
So if you want him to contribute towards the rent (which he should really) then you need to speak to a lawyer and see where you stand. You might have to get a contract drawn up where you are almost his landlady and he is a tenant, so he wont have any legal rights to the house and it remains 100% yours. Alternatively if you want him to share the house with you, then you can add him to the deeds and the mortgage and he will have equal rights to the house. But this is up to you, so speak to a lawyer before he does move in and pays any money towards the house.
As for the cooking/cleaning, some men are traditional and expect the woman to do the traditional female roles. It all depends on whether you are a traditional person too and want to do this for him. I personally like looking after my man, I clean and do his laundry and I enjoy that. However he has chores that are his responsibility and he knows that, he helps out with the cooking and he will do all the 'man' jobs like taking the bins out, fixing things around the house, cutting the grass etc.
So if there are certain things you are willing to do, but want him to do certain things - then talk to him about what you expect before he moves in. Make it clear what you expect him to do when you live together and make it clear you are not his mother who will do everything for him. If he doesnt like it he can lump it, but at least you have made it clear before it goes any further.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): Don't move in with him.He sounds lazy, selfish and quite immature...He just wants someone to look after him, and it shouldn't be you!
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