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female
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*otokoko
writes: My husband had an affair many, many years ago. We never really dealt with it in any way. He just said he wouldn't do it again and that he wasn't very proud of himself. If I would ask a question about it he would lie or ask "why do you want to talk about something that is history"; so for many years it was never talked about. I thought I was successful in forgeting about it all, but just recently something came up in conversation and brought back all the horrible feelings of hurt and betrayal to me. I don't believe he was ever un-faithful to me again, and he thinks our life together is wonderful. Why can't I forget what happened. I am becoming obsessed with the thought of the two of them together all over again. I feel like I am getting my self into serious emotional problems. Why am I so obsessed with the past??
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female
reader, gotokoko +, writes (17 April 2006):
gotokoko is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I made a little mistake when I said it was 5 painful days, in reality I guess it was only 4. It has been a very STESSFUL 4 days, it feels like at least 10!
Again, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
A
female
reader, gotokoko +, writes (17 April 2006):
gotokoko is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't thank you both enough for responding so quickly with your helpful and very good advise. I guess you both gave me the re-assurance that I needed to deal with my trust issue. I hadn't ever discussed this with anyone for over 20 years!! (I felt kind of "whiney" bringing this issue up after such a LONG time). I followed your advise and after a difficult 5 days of question, and tears and discussion, with my husband (who I love very dearly) I think I have made tremendous progress. We have re-newed our commitment to each other. I know that I am on my way to forgiveness. Thank you so very much......your quick and wonderful advise was very insiteful to me.....
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A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell  +, writes (14 April 2006):
 Hello gotokoko.
Ok. Let's start at the root of the problem. He cheated, you trusted and he cheated. Because you never delt with it the wound hasn't healed. It's like a paper cut. He cut you, you havent delt with it, so the cut keeps splitting open. Right?
He probably doesn't like being reminded of what he has done. I'll compare this to an embarressing moment of mine. Something happened (I'm not going to tell you what!) And my mates kept going on and on about it, I didn't like them talking about it because I'd made a complete prat of myself. I's the same here.
You can't stop thinking about it because you havent dealt with your inner demons and you havent overcome the problem. This is also why all those horrible feelings come back again. Because you know deep down he wouldn't do it again, but the little devil sitting on your shoulder is spreading doubt into you. Listen to your heart. Then have a heart to heart with him. Say you need to talk about it so you can be at peace with yourself and not be fighting a constant battle between your heart and your head.
Helped?
Tell me how it goes
all the best, Phoebe xxx
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A
reader, jo_betty_smith +, writes (13 April 2006):
 Or more importantly, why are you beating yourself up over it? You're being very hard on yourself, when all that is happening is actually just a very natural reaction and your husband is the one who did the wrongdoing.
When someone is unfaithful to you, no matter how long ago it happened, it's very painful because you don't expect someone that you trust and rely on to hurt you like that. There is bound to be some part of you that still feels scared that he might be capable of hurting you again in some way, and you've probably also found it hurtful that he closed up and didn't want to talk about it.
Your husband might be taken aback at you bringing up the subject again, and might at first refuse to talk about it as he has done before. But you need to let him know that some of these old feelings of hurt have resurfaced again and that you don't think that the two of you ever really dealt with the after effects of the affair properly. If it's causing you pain, then he should take you seriously, regardless of what he thinks about it. We can't help how something makes us feel and he needs to respect that.
Talking things through and accepting the pain he caused you, as well as working out what it will take for you to feel sure that you can trust him fully from now on may be all that it will take. Or it might be a much longer process and you might consider marriage counselling to help sort through all the issues. But either way, don't hold back or be afraid to tell your husband what you need and what it will take for you to feel truly happy in your marriage again. Maybe this time it's important to put your own needs first?
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