A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help, I feel like I am turning into an obsesive stalker.Background is I met this guy 12 years ago on holiday abroad when i were 18. He was my type initially but we just clicked straight away. I had never or since felt anything so strong for someone - it felt almost magical. We spent the whole holiday together. He told me he loved me after 3 days and to be honest I pretty much felt the same way. Then my holiday came to an end and we both cried our hearts out and said we'd keep in touch. He had one week left of his holiday and he was heartbroken. he said that he felt so bad that he wished he were at home surrounded by people that loved him - basically it ruined the rest of his holiday and his friends were not pleased.So he kept in touch with me and rung me 4 times a day. He said I had changed his life and that he had never felt that way about anyone so quickly. We both said it felt like fate that we had met.When I met him, he was going through a break-up of a relationship he'd had since school.When he got back to Ireland, I went over to see him. The weekend just made us realise that we loved each other even more. So this carried on for a few months, then out of the blue his ex told him she were a few months pregnant and his family were pressurising him to do the right thing and so we cut contact. I was very heartbroken but managed to pick my life back up and eventually went on to meet my fiance.Then about 7 years ago he got into contact again. He was in another relationship with another woman (not the mother of his son) and she'd also mothered two of his children. He said he felt trapped and didn't know if he loved her but felt he had to stay with her as she had his children. we carried on talking again for 3 months and I went over to see him with my friend just for a weekend. The weekend was a bit of a disaster though, mainly down to too much drink and drugs (he'd got into a wrong crowd who were taking cocaine) and I was very very ill due to mixing antibiotics and alcohol.When I got home he text me and rung me to say that he was devestated as he felt he'd ruined things for us by stupidly taking drugs etc but that he had been very nervous about seeing me again.We kind of lost contact again after a few months but he was never far from my mind.Then about 3 months ago, I kept thinking about him, how much I had loved him etc, etc and what he was up to. I looked for him on facebook and added him as a friend and he accepted but now I feel as though I am going mental.It has brought back all the old feelings - even though he is about 3 stone heavier and now has about 4 children with this same woman, I keep feeling depressed and constantly think about old times. I'm not sure if this is because I have no-one special in my life at the moment or whether I am just going mental lol.If nothing has changed on his facebook page, I feel depressed and lost. It makes my day if I can see what he has been doing etc. I have spoken to him a couple of times, he just said sorry he hasn't sent me a message, his girlfriend doesn't like him talking to old girlfriends.What is wrong with me, why am I being this obsessive..is this normal? I dont' want to lose contact with him again, but ache for some contact from him.
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a break, depressed, drugs, facebook, fiance, heartbroken, his ex, on holiday, text, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 You're not obsessing over him but over what he represents. You had this moment 12 years ago when you had a moment, and over time you have frozen it in your mind and reframed it as this great love. Freezing it allows you to ignore the reality that he chose another woman over you, didn't get back in touch with you when his relationship with her was over, and hasn't really made a big effort to keep in touch with you since. He is not the man you have in your mind.
It sounds like you are lonely and have fixated on him because you don't have anything else going on. I agree with the other suggestions that you see a counselor, and I think it would be good for you to go out and try to meet some other people.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, cc62955p +, writes (17 October 2009):
this guy is what we call in the state of utah...a polygamist meaning he will fall for any women and impregnate then then move on to the next women, then the next. He can never have any true feeling for just one woman because he is so confused, maybe he should find God and stop playing games and you need to seek the help of a friend. I know how it is to become obsessed with one man, but do you see him caring about just one woman with all his heart ??? NO, because he is not capable. this man is a great actor and your just trying to get a role into the play that he is staging...stay away at all costs or you may end up being a victim to his crooked and sick ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): Sounds to me that you've built up that holiday when you were 18 into the greatest moment of your life... in your mind. Yeh, I'm sure it was great, but you cant keep living in the past and putting this guy up on a pedestal. Delete this guys number but most importantly, DELETE HIM ON FACEBOOK!! Yeh, you may enjoy seeing what he is doing every day, but you're just torturing yourself and closing yourself off to meeting someone special for yourself. Maybe ask yourself exactly what it is you expect from this guy? Are you just lonely because you dont have a partner right now? You cant seriously expect to have a relationship with this guy... If anything was going to happen, dont you think it would have happened before he had 4 kids, married, dated other girls etc? He clearly doesnt think you're as special as you think he is, why would he let his girlfriend stop him talking to you if you meant that much to him?Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but thats my opinion and I dont want to see you waste your time, you've only got one life so go live it yeh :)Seeing a counsellor may be a good idea, even just to vent.Best of luck :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 October 2009):
You may not like this, but I think you need to see a counsellor. You do seem to be very obsessed with him. He doesn't even seem all that great either. Might be worth seeing a counsellor.
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