A
female
age
36-40,
*ibraseeksbalance
writes:Dear Cupid,I am in limbo and need your help. I've been dating my man for almost 2 years and we have an incredible connection, love each other deeply and have developed an open and trusting relationship. However, it wasn't always that way...Early on, he lied to me about his past relationships and I wasn't as careful as I should have been.So I contracted three Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) from him, which he didn't know he had (no symptoms). I take the blame for not insisting on him getting tested, but I still have waves of resentment for him passing these diseases to me - two are permanent. What's done is done and we'll survive this, we're young and strong. The only one that requires maintenance check-ups is HPV, which I'm learning as much as I can about, but it's scary the research isn't always conclusive.Anyway, I'm still a bit shocked. I stayed with him after the first... second... and the third health issue. But our love overwhelmed me in the end and we got back together after each scary episode - he would do anything for me, truly. He is an incredible partner, lover, caretaker, etc. But boy, we've sure had our rocky times. Quite an adventure, I must say. And I'm still dealing with the emotional and psychological effects of the STDs I have. Lesson learned, the hard way.So now, we are incredibly open, talk about our future, share our dreams, help each other conquer our fears, doubts, etc. and I see him as my partner for a long time. One thing remains unsettled - he is from another country (literally other side of the world) - and has moved back there for business reasons. I am here, my family is here, my life is here, career, hobbies, etc. and while I've visited his country three times and LOVE IT (very much feel at home there) - I'm hesitant to move to be with him. He wants me to come and I initially promised him I would go. But now, the time has come to take action and I'm stalling, but don't know why...When we're apart, my fears and doubts take over. I think about those initial lies he told me, about the red flags I should have avoided, I question why I didn't leave him after the first STD.I question whether I will ever be able to get over the hurt and blaming him for my health issues. I start to wonder, should I just let him go and move on, taking time to heal myself emotionally and start fresh when the time comes? I just don't know... Moving away from everything I know and love (including healthcare!) scares me.Sometimes we have to fight for the thing we love the most... But do we have to fight this hard?
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got back together, move on, std Reply to this Question
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female
reader, libraseeksbalance +, writes (25 March 2013):
libraseeksbalance is verified as being by the original poster of the question The situation is complicated... He truly did not know of his diseases (currently there is no HPV test for men and you can be a carrier of the other ones he gave me without showing any symptoms). This doesn't excuse him by any means. Yes, he was INCREDIBLY irresponsible to not be tested (stupid of me not to insist on him getting tested as I've done with previous partners). He was an ass to hide the fact that he had a quick fling before we started dating, with a girl who is known to sleep around. But he never cheated. Not once. His family history is such that he is extremely sensitive to infidelity. It was actually me who strayed last year and made out a few times with a male friend while he was home overseas visting his family. It was a horribly immature reaction to the STDs on my part and as much as I wish I could take it back, I can't.I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm still confused. We are all flawed - we are all imperfect. We all make mistakes. He's at fault for his massive naivety about his own health (where he comes from they aren't as educated on health matters, but now he's an expert thanks to our situation). I'm at fault for lashing out and hurting him.Here we are, though... Thousands of miles apart and yet I am still unable to sever the ties. Why?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): I simply dont believe he was totally unaware that he hadnt even 1 of the 3 STDs, but what I can say is Im glad this loser has left Europe and gone back home. he has wasted your time as well as given you these diseases, simply put, if he was having unprotected sex with 1 or more persons (which clearly is the case) he should have got tested. but he didnt, and he passed it onto you. stay where you are, you surely dont need advice on following him to a country where probably you will suffer more.
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A
female
reader, libraseeksbalance +, writes (24 March 2013):
libraseeksbalance is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhew... Thank you so much for your sound advice, agony aunties. I know that we are each responsible for making our own decisions in this life, but I am so thankful to have some outside perspectives as I head into making a change here... I've consulted family and friends (who know almost the whole truth, but to avoid harsh judgement I've given less details to some)... And basically they are afraid to tell me what I know and hear deep down in myself. Time to move on.I am going to call my therapist and have a few more sessions with her before making any decisions, but my instincts don't lie and I know I need to trust how I've been feeling during the past week or so of clarity... Without him nearby influencing my emotions, I can feel at my core I am not 100% safe with him.Thank you, thank you. Now I just need to figure out what to tell him to ensure he doesn't fly back here to try and persuade me?! Because he's that type, so attached and so dependent on our love, that once I break this off he will spiral downward and likely be depressed or try to book a flight to see me. I care about him, ironic as it may sound, because we do have an intense relationship. I just don't care to live life this scared and doubtful about the lying, the diseases and whatnot...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 ...Or, if we had to fight too much, maybe it's the way a benevolent Universe - or our subconscious mind - is signaling us that we are on the wrong path and going to hell in a wheelbarrow :).
Personally, if a man would had given me 3 STDs because he was too dishonest to tell me what I was supposed to know, and too lazy and selfish to wear a condom ,... I would not follow him to the closer Starbucks for a cup of coffee, imagine to the other end of the world.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): "He wants me to come and I initially promised him I would go. But now, the time has come to take action and I'm stalling, but don't know why..."Maybe that despite all your efforts to ignore all the red flags that keep on popping up, your good judgement and common sense are still subconsciously kicking in in hopes of preventing you from making the biggest mistake of your life by giving up your life as you've known it in order to move halfway around the world to be with a smooth-talking, charmining, manipulative user whom you know is a serial liar and a serial cheater."I start to wonder, should I just let him go and move on, taking time to heal myself emotionally and start fresh when the time comes?"Yes. "Sometimes we have to fight for the thing we love the most... But do we have to fight this hard?"No. Obviously this guy knows what buttons to push and strings to pull to appeal to your ego and vanity at the expense of your brains and backbone, but thankfully your brains and backbone are fighting back. Trust your instincts. This guy is a controller and potential abuser. If you give up everything to go be with this scumbag, then you could very well find yourself trapped in an untenable situation in a foreign country with no way out and no way back. I can only suggest you seek counselling so you can resolve and overcome whatever issues have left you so vulnerable as to fall under the spell of such a reprehensible POS.
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