A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a woman going through a separation from my alcoholic husband who put me last for years... I moved out and met someone who was married.. I knew it was wrong.. I knew.. You always know when something isn't right but he wanted children with me. He didn't have any..it was the one place I am weak and vulnerable. I love children and kids and didn't want one in my alcoholic marriage.. But I fell for this other man who gave me dreams of a child.. About how he would love me and 'our' child...he dumped me and gave me no reason... I am grateful he did.. Cos I couldn't break it off.. But why did he give me a dream about a child?? How can someone be so cruel? Why am I so weak and vulnerable? How long will it take for me to stop hurting? I have tried to help my alcoholic husband for years and just wanted love.. Someone to love me.. Want me.. And care for me.. How do I get stronger?? Please help..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): Thank you for your advice.. I am incredibly grateful. I am a working woman and can stand on my own two feet. I have a few friends who love me and I am working hard at my career.. I worry that time will run out to have a child but I have done everything I can to help the men in my life and have no regrets. I agree it's time to look after ME and be happy with me as a person.. Am so grateful for your time and advice. Thank you..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): HiYou are 'weak and vunerable' only because YOU say you are. You need to stand up, look back and know you made bad choices AND LIMITED YOURSELF,you can create a better world by getting to know YOU a lot better. Don't depend on other's strenghth's to hold you up in life....make your own life and believe you can enjoy been with yourself. Who are you ? what do you want to do? what can you do? make your own dreams and turn them into reality. Learn that people have to help themselves first and foremost before they can truly help others. You 'just wanted love' you say, it's a world wide 'want' you are no different to any of us. Survive by giving it to yourself first and loose the weakness and needyness and stop feeling sorry for yourself, it would be a good starting point. I am not been heartless with you, I am hoping you will find that inner fighter,the one that can do things it never thought possible. As long as you sit there crying wanting love, you will always show the card that vampires will eventually suck from. Why want when you can 'give' change your life....climb a mountain run a mile or two, do different.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2014):
 More than likely you have a co-dependent personality. that's what's driving you to try to take care of your alcoholic spouse. It takes a lot of strength for us co-dependents to walk away and get healthy but that's what you have started to do... you must continue
start with al-anon for some support and find a good therapist who can work with your issues and your relationship to an addict/alcoholic and their issues.
best of luck to you, breaking the cycle of co-dependency is very hard.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): Stop dragging yourself around looking for a man to make you happy. You're centering your whole existence around being with a man. You've lost a lot of time, that you should have been using for enjoying life and self-improvement.
Do you have a job you enjoy? Have you made any female friends?
Does every man who comes into your life, have to be a lover and boyfriend? Have you ever just made friends with a man?
If you can't, get a gay male friend.
Do you know any crafts or have any hobbies? Can you financially support yourself?
Do you have a college degree?
Do you like animals? Do you have a pet?
Do you have loving and supportive family? Do you reach out to them and stay connected?
I've asked you all of these questions; because these are the things that make people strong. You need a stable foundation to stand on; before you go out and try to find relationships with other people. Otherwise; you lose your own identity. You'll end up living for, or through other people.
When you're suffering through grief and loneliness; you reach out for counseling and support. You go online and look for a women's support group to find other ladies who can relate, and are making progress with their lives. You'll also get referrals for resources and mentors, who guide you through the troubled waters. You get empowerment through other women who have been there, and done that.
They won't judge you, or throw pity at you. Instead, they give you the lift you need to get you started on rebuilding your life.
You must have fun. Treat yourself to the small things that make you happy. Don't feel sorry for yourself. It makes you tired. It makes you lose hope. Then you won't do anything, you'll just mope around until the next man comes along.
If you have little to offer, you can't expect much in return.
Get on the path of self-improvement. Help others, volunteer
to give your own life new meaning. If you have religious beliefs, renew your faith. Bond with other worshipers and
make friends.
Reconnect with family so you can return to your roots, and re-energize through your kindred. People isolate themselves from family due to drama, grudges, and old feuds. Then they just sit on the fringes, feeling lost and detached. Make-up with those you've had misgivings, and start over on a new slate.
If you have all this to do, you don't have time to be sad.
Wounds don't heal when you don't properly doctor them. So the pain lingers on and on. You're wallowing in self-pity wanting someone else to come along and rescue you. That's why you feel so weak and vulnerable.
When you rediscover your own strength and power, you will realize you had it in you all along. You have to restart your generator. You shut it down, taking care of some drunken bum; and years just fled by. Put that all in the past. Take care of yourself, people are around you. You won't miss anything. Love is always available, but you need some time to yourself.
You surrendered everything you had and all your feelings to other people. You forgot to save some love for yourself. That's what keeps you going. That's what keeps me going.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): "why did he give me a dream about a child?? How can someone be so cruel?"
To get your knickers off. He wasn't being cruel, he was just selling you a line to get you to sleep with him. The real cruelty here is you knew what he was doing, you knew he was not a nice man (he's a cheater), yet you went against your better judgement out of pure desperation.
Desperation makes us all weak and vulnerable, OP. We'll risk it all on a dream we're being sold because if there's even a 1% chance of it becoming reality we'll grab it with both arms.
You get stronger by finding a way of not being so needy and desperate. You find a way of giving yourself the love you feel you need from someone else. If you feel you just can't then maybe you should find a prayer group, if you're not religious then maybe a spiritual group or one of those circle of friends groups.
You have to find a way of relegating the idea of a partner to a bonus in life rather than a need. Find companionship in a dog, or go join a club or group you can make loyal trustworthy friends in, become a complete woman who doesn't "need" a man and then you can take your time and properly vet one for a potential relationship. Become happy alone, OP. That's what strength is, because it's much harder to be sucked in by bullshit when you don't need something. Dating is like shopping, if you go shopping while hungry you'll end up buying twice as much food and food you didn't even intend on buying. If you go while sated then you you're a lot less desperate and make better choices.
Time to fill your life with beautiful things, go amazing places, do fun things and learn to enjoy it without a man. Learn to enjoy your independence. Then you can approach dating from a position of strength and confidence, and as a nice aside you'll have pretty damn great life to share with someone. Put men a lot lower down in your list of priorities. You've basically for lived for men for a long time now, you need to live for you.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (11 February 2014):
 You are weak (excuse-me, but I must say like a lot of girls/women for the same reason) because you don't have a project of life. The only way of doing is to find (trap) a man. And that's all.After that, nothing, and you hope in fact you will find someone who will have a project for you both, as if you were a jokey looking for a powerful horse to ride. No, life is not that easy usually speaking, and you can't wish your fate to provide you a ready-made man who will do everything for you, included providing a family project (all the more so since it is the most serious decision a guy may take in his whole life).So, I would recommend you to look for a husband first, a man who would share your life for a while before deciding, sound of mind, that he wants you to be his future kids mother.Do not put the cart before the horse !
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (11 February 2014):
 “How can someone be so cruel?”This statement you made is true…How could you be so cruel to yourself?? As you said “I knew it was wrong.. I knew..” Still you put yourself into that hall of pain, and now want to know how “he” could be so cruel? He told you exactly what you want to hear, and your good judgment when out the window. You left a bad situation for a worse one.Now comes the good part. You are now free of both the bad and the ugly. You take a deep breath, be thankful you are free of it all…learn from it, and get ready to meet the father of your kids. Make a deal with yourself “I will not let my past define who I am. My past has no place in make future.” No more tears, no more anger, no more wondering of what could have been. Start your new life…and enjoy it.
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