A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi..been having problems with my boyfriend recently and wanted to see if anyone could give any suggestions. We've been together for 1.5 yrs and I love him to bits. Hes 24 and Im 21. We are quite a volatile couple and can both argue our point especially to each other! We've had our ups and downs and are very different people but ultimately both care a lot for each other and want to be together. My problem either lies with me or the way our personalities clash, Im not sure which. Recently Ive been getting very frustrated with him. He is bad at sticking to plans and never tells me if hes going to be late, and doesn't want to do anything as a couple anymore. He thinks being asleep in bed together is quality time but I need to talk to him and share activities to feel close. Also he just went away on a course and I suggested it could be fun if I stayed a night away with him in his hotel and looked round the city while he was busy the next day, thinking it'd be an oppurtunity to spend nice time together. He agreed, but then at the last minute said no he didn't want me there as it wasn't 'feasible' as hes on business and no one else would bring their girlfriends. He didnt know anyone on the course and had no plans for the evenings so thought this a strange excuse (before you ask there is no way he's cheating). He had trouble at work before xmas and we had sex about twice in two months when we usually did twice a week. I confronted him and said I wanted more and he apologised and said he still really fancied me but thats only slowly improving now. I react badly to any of the situations above coz I love seeing him and feel rejected and feel like he doesnt want me. I always confront him but then after feel guilty and upset as I think ive been irrational. For example earlier, we had planned to spend the eve together, but he went for drinks with work mates but didnt let me know for 2 hours, then said he'd be home in 1 but not arriving for 2 more. When here we had a bit of a chat and he fell straight to sleep. I got really cross and upset as Id been looking forward to seeing him all day and we'd planned to go out so I was disappointed. I asked him if he wanted to wake up and watch a dvd or do something together but he ignored me which made me so frustrated. It resulted in me kicking him out after he said he'd listen to why I was upset but fell asleep during my explanation. After he left I felt bad again and cried (again!). Ive tried breaking up with him but I just cant do it, I still love him and love being with him, and we both agree we'd be losing too much if we ended it. I am worried I dont appreciate him enough and wonder if I am not tolerant enough but dont know how to change my reactions to him when I feel rejected. I know he still cares for me as hes just made a real effort organising two surprise valentines nights for us next week. All I want is for us to get on (as we do when he makes the effort) all the time as I hate arguing with him. Any suggestions would be great.
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female
reader, Carina  +, writes (10 February 2007):
 I think there's a combination of things happening here. First: it sounds as though perhaps you're a bit 'needy'. Some of us expect more from the people that we love than they're able to give. You metnion feeling rejected. Is this something you often feel? It could be that you're too dependent on your boyfriend and although he loves you to bits he finds it hard to deal with. Is this a possibility?
I think he's subconsciously trying to assert himself in order to find his own space. This would explain not phoning to tell you when he's late and not sticking to plans. It's almost like a wilful child saying 'you're not going to tell me what to do'. The business trip is more understandable. I can see that he might have found it awkward to have a girlfriend there when nobody else did. At most of these business courses the people DO get together in the evenings and he would have found it embarrassing to explain that you were there. Again, he probably feels that it would look as if he can't do things on his own.
It's interesting that you use the word 'confronted' when describing how you talked to him about having less sex. It sounds as though you were up for an argument..:-) I would suggest that you try to find some things to do without him with your own friends. Perhaps do an evening class or something one evening a week so that he will feel free to go and do whatever he wants in that time. Show him that you're not totally dependent on him for company and I'm sure you'll find he starts wanting you around more.
Also I think you could try talking about things that bother you when you're having a quiet good time together and try to keep calm when he tells you his side. Communication goes a long way towards stopping arguments. I know it's difficult when you're both volatile, but it will do you both good to try to manage your anger and talk rationally.
Gosh. This turned into a long answer! The main thing is he obviously loves you and the fact that he's arranged two Valentines surprises shows that he thinks about you. Focus on that kind of thing and make sure he knows how much you appreciate it. Let me know how it works out!
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