A
female
age
51-59,
*uvlorn
writes:Is something seriously wrong w/ me? What could be going on here???OK, I don't know if the grass just seems greener on the other side of the proverbial fence, whether I just plain don't want a relationship deep down, am too picky or fickle or what... BUT...When w/ the on again, off again boyfriend I feel this amaaazing attraction (more of a primal chemistry thing than physical attraction)- just an inexplicable draw and comfort level. It was there from first meeting and strong. Yet, he cannot give me what I want and need as far as affection, commitment, communication. I often feel taken for granted or less than a priority, and long for more.SO, when I have left I meet guys who will fawn all over me, are attentive, thoughtful, sweet, and just GREAT guys...look good "on paper", fill in all the blanks of what I seek... yet, I don't FEEL anything- no chemistry, no spark. I walk down the street with their arms around me, admire the flowers they send and field their regular sweet phone calls "just to say hi' all the while wishing it was the ex/boyfriend who was doing and saying these things!It seems as if I am damned if I do, damned if I don't... wanting someone who treats me the way the latter guys do, but needing that innate attraction as well. One alone doesn't satisfy me and i am just unhappy.SO, my friends, in your persepective, what is wrong with me and how do I fix it??? UGH
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female
reader, luvlorn +, writes (4 October 2007):
luvlorn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPerhaps I do expect too much... maybe I should "settle"... maybe I should just go back to the man I love who cannot offer me the rest, as at least I love him, (rather than "faking it" w/ a nice guy who offers all those things I want but whom I feel no spark for)... perhaps better off where I was, loving a man who cannot give me what I want, leaving me longing for more... maybe I should give him a break and just take what he CAN and does give and let go of my dream of having it all... *sigh*
TOP 5:
1.) Chemistry/spark/attraction- feeling drawn to someone and a connection, a kindred spirit, a level of natural comfort
2.) Sexual compatibility- acceptance of my body, desirability, same "kink" and drive and likes
3.) A good heart- caring, empathetic, priorities straight, making sacrifices and being sure I know I matter
4.) Successful- work ethic, stability, dedicated to something
5.) Masculine- confident and comfortable in his role as a male and treating me as a lady, being "in charge" (in a sense) with respect
TOO MUCH???
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): Wow. That's quite a formidable list. And having read it, perhaps you ARE expecting just a little too much. You've certainly got high expectations and I'd fall down on a number of your requirements, that's for sure!
That's not to say that your ideal man doesn't exist, he's probably out there somewhere (and probably already married). If your ideal man has to meet ALL those requirements I think you'll have quite a wait before you find him. Of course, there's always the problem that you will have to meet HIS requirements and if he's got a list like yours you'll have an even longer wait.
I think what is needed is a compromise. A bit of 'give & take'. Nobody is perfect but it seems to me that you're looking for perfection.
Perhaps you should stay single for a while and during that time you can gather your thoughts and re-assess the situation. Get your top five requirememnts in order of importance and if you find a man that meets those that would be a good starting point. You'll have to train him up to your standards on the less important stuff!
Nevertheless, I hope you find him sometime soon and before you're too old to appreciate him!
Phil
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A
female
reader, luvlorn +, writes (4 October 2007):
luvlorn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYES, I still love my ex... always will... he had more of my heart and soul than anyone else ever, including my ex hubby of 15 yrs! STILL, I cannot stay there and always long for the stuff that is missing. He's made it clear that although he wishes he could, he cannot step up and give me what I need. SO, amI doomed to being alone as I will never ever get over him completely? After 2 years I still had hope he would "come around", and even separated I hope in the recesses of my heart that he will, but my brain says "move on, it doesnt work". SO, I am TRYING... but no one who offers all the wonderful need-meeting qualities trips my switch. Those who I feel spark for (BESIDES the ex BF, yes there have been others, so a patters) always always always seem to either be players or bad boys or emotionally unavailable. I want BOTH the needs annnd the chemistry draw. Impossible. UGH... so, I pine for him and recite this poem I saw a year and a half ago which speaks so strongly to me...
"Oh what a pain to love it is...
and tis a pain that pain to miss...
but of all pains the greatest pain
is to love but love in vain"
(The ex BF's response?"why would you love someone inside their veins?"- making fun of it!!! The giving guys: "wow, that is sooo true...let's talk about that"... yet I feel NOTHING. IRONY)
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A
female
reader, luvlorn +, writes (4 October 2007):
luvlorn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks...
what I want:
Spark, chemistry, attraction, compatibility, that "feeling" of excitement and infatuation, arousal.
Someone with a good heart- caring, empathetic, caring, makes me a priority, adores me, compliments me, spoils me a little (but doesn;t smother me, isn't "needy" or annoying), affectionate, giving, loving. A man who can communicate- really listens and cares what I have to say and tries to understand and share his own thoughts and emotions. One who has a good work ethic and is successful in what he does and supportive of my career, showing up for me when I ask. Someone child-friendly who will be my kids' friend and be good to them. One with similar likes, habits, schedule, outlook, values as me. A guy who makes it clear I matter, doesn't take me for granted, acts happy to see me and proud to be with me, who will surprise me once in awhile with acts of love.
Then there is the desire for good sex, compatible tastes and frequency and skill. That's pretty high up there, actually.
In the end, I actually meet plenty of nice guys who would give me the world on a silver platter, but I don't feel the spark... then it seems the guys who I feel chemistry with are unable to commit, share emotion, give... and leave me feeling unappreciated, questioning whether they care, grasping for straws of "actions" in lack of words and talking myself into believing this action meant more than that action... UGH.... there seems to be NO "combo package" of chemistry annnnd meeting my needs- one or the other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): Hi! From my experience, it seems like you are still so infatuated with your ex that you can't make yourself fall for someone else, regardless of how amazing they are. There is nothing wrong with you, you just need more time. You can tell yourself that your ex would never be good for you, and be completely right about that, but until you believe that deep down (and believe me, this can take a while) it is going to be hard to start over with someone new. In the mean time, enjoy spending time single, figuring out who you are and what you want out of life. If you are not seriously interested in these other men, do your best not to lead them on (although I feel really hypocritical saying that). Wait until you are really ready to start dating again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): Well, what is it you're looking for, exactly? Make a list and I'll pass an opinion if what your looking for is possible or not.
Maybe you need two men - one for the kitchen and one for the bedroom!! (and perhaps an extra one for the couch for watching TV)
Phil
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A
female
reader, luvlorn +, writes (3 October 2007):
luvlorn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmmm...seems impossible, what I want. Maybe it doesn't exist. Maybe I am too choosy or have a block. UGH
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): I think you just haven't met 'Mr Right' yet!
When he eventually comes along he'll tick all the right boxes for you.
Phil
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