A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm awful. Morally bankrupt. I feel disgusted with myself to even admit this to anyone, let alone me. I've been with my partner for three years now, and love him with all my heart.We're soulmates and best friends. However during the three years we've been together I've had countless one night stands with men - due mainly to alcohol. Whenever I drink I get a longing for closeness, yet I feel emotionally seperate from the whole situation when it occurs. Of all the men I've slept with I've never felt anything serious for any of them. And I never acheive an orgasm. I feel dirty, deceitful and awful but I never change. Perhaps I am looking for something to justify my hurtful actions, but my question is why I am so intent on hurting the one and only man I've ever loved? We live in different cities due to work commitments.
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bankrupt, best friend, one night stand, orgasm, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): It might seem that way to you, but truly it's not that bad.
Right now I'd forget about thinking about other people, it's you, you need to sort out.
You're not a mind reader and it's never a good idea to presume to know what people are thinking of you.
You're neither filthy nor disgusting, you're going through some horrible things at the moment, but it by no way makes you a bad person that deserves bad things to happen to.
You know you have some problems and you've admitted them to yourself so your already taking positive steps to sort this out, you should be proud of yourself for that, it takes courage to admit this kind of stuff to yourself.
We are our own worst critics though, so you're naturally being very hard on yourself, but believe me it won't help.
Gotto find the positives and keep up the momentum of recovering from this, take some of the following steps as you see fit:
Go see a doctor and get checked for an STI no point worrying about it til you do, lumps can be anything.
Take a break from drinking, it's just making things worse, you're not in the right state of mind to be able to enjoy it, so why bother?
Go through all the thing's you need to change to reverse this situation and look for solutions.
It's not going to be easy and you may not think it but you can do it, besides is anything in this life worth doing easy?
If your stuck for someone to talk to, join this forum and pm me, there's plenty of other really nice members on this forum that will be only too glad to help too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): The bumps could be from shaving, or a tight pair of jeans, or both. But if you are concerned see a doctor. Your behavior is a symptom of alcoholism. It is making you do things you wouldn't do sober. And then you are full of remorse and self-loathing. You really should go to an A.A. meeting...the rooms are full of people just like you! You will find many women who can relate to what your going through. But one warning...stay away from the men! Don't get really close to the males until you get to know them, and even then, don't get into a relationship with anyone. Stick with the woman and let them guide you through. You will make many new friends, and learn that you are not alone.
Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for everyones comments. I'm pretty messed up by the whole thing and am really worried that I might have an sti/std and if I have what if I've given it to my boyfriend? I've noticed lumps on my inner thighs..if thats happened how can I live with myself? how can I go on living I'll have let everyone down. I have noone to talk to and am so so worried. What am I going to do? I'm so filthy and disgusting and just an absolute wreck. I deserve whatever I get.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 February 2009):
 I think you need to consider AA and get some counseling. Figure out why you do what you do. You obviously know it's morally wrong yet you keep at it. You can not keep blaming the alcohol. The alcohol doesn't MAKE you do anything. You just care less when you are drunk. Less about yourself and less about your boyfriend.
Get some help, get to the bottom of it all. You deserve to start to respect YOURSELF a whole lot more.
The 12 step program might not be a bad idea. If you belong to a Church see what they can offer of help. If not, try and find an AA near you. I'm not suggesting AA because you get drunk and screw every now and them, but because you use the alcohol as a crutch.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (13 February 2009):
 you are hurting yourself more than you are hurting him.
You can't stop because you need thes men to fill a void that only you can fill.
These men aren't going to love you but still you crave their warmth and closeness..even for a day.
I think you need to take time out look at the situation from a third person's point of view. Are you proud of this person that you are becoming. if not make changes to becoming the person you want to be. only you can do this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): Doesn't seem that you're intent on hurting him to be honest although that is a byproduct of your actions, you just have to stop drinking, beacuse you sound like a messy drunk.
You know the problem and you know the solution, you also stated the answer to why, in your question.
It's as simple as not putting yourself in those situations anymore, they're doing you no good.
Drink is only a justification ONCE. I drink to have fun and while I've had many a profoundly idiotic moment when drunk, I never repeated any of them, if I started consistently sabotaging my life when I drink then I'd stop, end of story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): It's the alcohol! I know, I've been there, done that. The alcohol gives you courage and takes your conscience. It's basically a need for love. To know you are wanted and desireable.
If alcohol is causing a problem in your life (which obviously, it is) you need to take a look at that. That is the problem! Your doing things drunk that you wouldn't do sober! Take a break from the booze. Give yourself some time to soul-search and reevaluate your priorities! I believe you love this man. I believe you don't want to hurt him. I know, because I've been there!
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A
female
reader, christable  +, writes (13 February 2009):
I have been in the exact same situation as you. totall screwed my head up and hated myself and now after years and plenty more mistakes and having it done to me as well i realised that i did not think i deserved to be loved and did not love myself. also not been together is very hard when drink is involved it dose not seem like real cheating coz the other person is not around.Your not ready to be in a serious relationship coz you have underlying issues and are not happy with you. I hope you sort yous self out bfore guilt consumes you. x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): maybe you don't love him.
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