A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why am i only ever good enough to be 'The other woman'?A and B are two guys i have met at different stages of my life who have both turned me into the same person - when i am around them the strong confident woman i generally am disappears, and i become a crumbling mess with zero self respect who would do anything they asked.a bit of back ground - A is an old family friend, i have know him for years and i have been seeing him on and off for the past five, we have never been official, ive always been his dirty little secret, ive always been head over heels for him, and you guessed it - ive always been the other woman, he has cheated on three different girlfriends with me, two of which i wasnt aware of for ages. he tells me he wants me - but thats only when it suits him. he hates me talking to looking at or being near other guys, he doesnt want me, but he doesnt want anyone else to have me, he wants me to be able to be there when he calls, as i always have done, and it drives me insane.B is a really great friend i met about a year ago, at the start he was genuinely interested in me, and i was in him, i was involved with someone already and so i tried to stay away from him, but i couldnt deny my attraction, i still stayed with my boyfriend because that was safe and secure, and my feelings for B were so intense that i was terrified, so fair enough i basically showed him he wasnt good enough for me back then. we have always been flirty and always have fun together, he has been seeing another woman for about 7 months, and in the past month he has cheated on her twice with me. yet he is still with her. his actions scream youre not good enough to leave her for. and it drives me insane, take a few nights ago for example, he came over to hang out, things got out of hand, he kept saying he needed to leave he couldnt do this, and i kept telling him to go then, but he wouldnt walk away, he drives me insane, i know his girlfriend is beautiful and loves him with her whole heart and i wish he would just let me be i'll get over it eventually even if it hurts now, but he cant, he always ends up coming back to me, and it is making me crazy.am i really not good enough for these guys? i hate the person i become these days around them, i loved who i used to be, at the beginning i was strong and confident, but the more time that past with them denying me them completely, and only giving me little parts of them, the more i have changed, ive lost my confidence, and my strength, i dont feel good enough for anyone,i feel like i have become the sort of girl that just throws my body at them because its the only way i can have them. i think at this stage its important to clarify that A is mostly out of the picture now and B hates it when i disrespect myself like that he really likes the person i used to be, yet still he doesnt want me enough to leave his girlfriend for me.what is so wrong with me, that i am only ever good enough to be the other woman? how do i find that girl i used to be again, because i really dont like who ive become, im disgusted in myself, i just wanted them so much (and still do) and i wanted them to want me...but now im too far gone to recover.
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female
reader, littleBB  +, writes (3 May 2011):
I am guessing your low self esteem comes from your past abuse, that is all too common, studied and documented. Abuse, especially sexual,is very detrimental and it leaves invisible scars in your souls that take a lot of time to heal and can lead you to further damage your self esteem in the meanwhile. That makes you prone to ill treatment from other guys because you probably believe, unconsciously, that you deserve to be treated badly (=low self esteem).The truth is that both these guys seem to hurt you emotionally and you should not allow that. The only thing you are deriving from their "friendship" is a reflected and distorted image of yourself. The fact that you let these guys treat you badly stems from your previous abuse, you probably haven't healed completely and also are unconsciously afraid to get totally committed to someone based upon your previous experience of physical/sexual abuse. That could be why you unconsciously chose to be the other woman: less responsibility= less danger of emotional damage. What you don't realize fully is that such relationships damege your ego even more. You need to love yourself more and get rid of those guys, whatever the cost. You are a lovely person, you are, start believing it and dont go close to people who think otherwise! Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): "i was involved with a guy through highschool who was physically and sexually abusive"Now, that may have been the beginning of letting people treat you this way, but Cerberus is right on target with the point of "how you are treating yourself".My initial post, about the history, is where you need to start working on WITH a counselor, in order to figure out why you do this to yourself, and allow others to do these things to you.Get a counselor, print all this stuff out, take it in, and spill your guts.And, if you were sexually abused or neglected, or felt like you parents didn't think you were worth much, tell the counselor. It's not "whining", it is a search for understanding.By understanding why, you can learn to pick up on it early and prevent yourself from doing it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Nobody really seems to have touched on this point yet here. But it seems to me that the problem here isn't how they are treating but how you are treating yourself.
OP that strong confident woman you remember is still you but you seem to have completely forgotten that, you don't believe that is you anymore and you don't believe you should be treated any better than they are treating you and what's worse is that you're treating yourself worse than they ever could. How the hell can you do believe you deserve that, how can you even contemplate treating yourself that way?
OP we can only ever treat people the same way they treat themselves. You can try and love someone but if they don't love themselves that's an impossible task. It really is, how can they or any guy love you when you hold such contempt for yourself? The simple answer is that's just not possible.
OP what do you get out of being involved with A and B? You get pain, suffering, heartbreak, loss of self worth, self disgust, anguish, mental torture for what? So you can feel wanted for the tiny moments when they want a booty call? How can you live like that OP?
You're focusing on the wrong people here OP, you're looking at these guys like they're the solution, you're pinning all your hopes on these guys and when they fail you time and time again you put all the blame back on yourself, like it's something that's wrong with you that two cheating low life scum can't even like you, therefore you must be a really shit woman. That makes no sense at all.
OP you have to cut these guys out of your life or you will never regain your self respect. Now it seems from your followups that these guys are ingrained in your life, or that you're too weak/lonely to say no. You're not, you've just made yourself a prisoner in your own mind but it's not the reality at all. You're living the life of a person in a concentration camp OP, you're just going about your daily routine acting like a broken woman, just waiting and hoping one of these guys will be horny so you can get just a brief taste of affection and for a moment feel loved. That's not a life at all OP, that's a living nightmare of self loathing and you sure as hell don't deserve that but the only person who is doing that to you is you.
OP you have to understand that the only person who can change this is you, yet all your doing is sitting back hoping that stuff will happen on its own or those guys will do it for you. Well that's not going to happen because you're too easy for these guys. They have it great, they get to have you as their side piece while they go develop other relationships and when their girlfriends are on their period or are just not in the mood then instead of having to turn to porn they just get to have you for a wank instead, their warm flesh puppet.
Here is your current situation as I see it. Firstly neither A nor B see you as anything more than a warm wank, because you don't see yourself as being worth more than that.
Secondly you're a sucker for words because you're so desperate that you want them to be true, but the fact remains that the way these guys have treated you in all this time is the only true indication of what you mean to them yet you choose to remain in hope that the words are true. The writing has been on the wall a long time OP, that situation is never going to change no matter what they say, neither of them will ever consider having any kind of long term relationship with you. You want to know why? Because you're not good enough for them, not because you as a person aren't but because you're not even good enough for yourself.
Thirdly but while this situation remains this way, while you continue to believe you're this horrid woman that doesn't deserve love, no one is going to be capable of loving you. Not only that OP but what guy is going to take the risk with a woman who is cheater fodder for two guys, and just can't say no to them. No self respecting and decent guy is going to take that risk OP because you're too dangerous a proposition and will hurt any guy that tries to get with you, while these other guys are in your life. OP you cannot trust someone who does not trust themselves.
Fourthly and here's the clincher OP you're absolute self loathing is a poison and you see men as the antidote to that, that's why you can't let go of these guys because you have imposed on them all your hopes and dreams that maybe a fairytale can happen, you melt in their presence because you've made them the outlet of your self contempt. You've made them the only thing in your life that takes that away for the brief moments when they say nice things to you and hold you etc. For those brief moments you feel wanted by someone and it's become your heroin. A harmful addiction that is wearing away your soul but you just so badly want that fix because the idea of having no one treat you that way is too horrible for you to contemplate because you think so little of yourself that you feel no one else ever will.
Well enough is enough OP. I want you sit here as you read this and think ahead one year. Think about this day one year from now. Imagine what it would be like to have neither guy in your life, imagine you've managed to regain yourself, regain your dignity and pride, imagine you have a date with some guy you just met next week but you've regained a sense of independence such as you're only going to have some fun, the guy seems nice and he's attractive but you're not really that bothered about seeing him but you're going to go anyway because you're up for a laugh and want to see what happens.
Now imagine your life doesn't change at all, do you really want to spend another year like this? Feeling this way all the time, feeling like a used piece of crap. If you think it's bad now then wait another year. I mean this day last year this situation was pretty crappy wasn't it? It's ten times worse now isn't it?
Until you value yourself as more than being "the other woman" that is the only way you'll ever be treated.
Ditch the two cheating, lying, using, sweet talking scumbags and move on with your life.
OP be a "doer" not a "trier". Trying is just another word for failing. You either do something or you don't, don't pat yourself on the back for trying but don't put yourself down for failing either. Your life, your choice how live it. But if you want to live well, love and be happy then you'll get up off your arse and do something about it. It's not going to happen on it's own, things don't magically happen, so either do it or don't do it, but just stop beating yourself there are enough people in this world more than willing to fuck you over, the last person you should allow to do that is you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondance in the dark - I haven't actually slept with either of them, just to clarify. thats a line i choose not to cross, things have got out of hand, but never so far as sleeping with either of them.
and anonymous - i was involved with a guy through highschool who was physically and sexually abusive, it took me a long time to come to terms with that and learn to love myself again after that, and i think i have come a very long way. but you are 100% correct, the most amazing guy in the world could walk into my life right now and i wouldn't give them a chance because im way too scared to become attached to anyone else incase the same thing happens again.
i know on some level i allow this to happen, and i could just walk away (it would mean quitting my job and moving away from my family.. but i could do it) i suppose a part of me still hopes that one day B will turn around and show me im worth it, as unlikely that is to ever happen. he wanted me once, i guess i missed my chance..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your response.
cutting them out is easier said than done, i see A at least once every three months at family things, and i see B everyday at work, we sit near each other, do the same job, have the same lunch breaks, all of that is unavoidable. ive tried distancing myself from them, trust me, ive 'given up' and 'let go' a million times...and then they walk in the room,and smile at me and i crumble. and no matter how hard i try i cant change that.
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A
female
reader, hazelbanana113  +, writes (30 April 2011):
A thinks that he can push you around! With him, you need to hold your ground! He thinks of you as booty call and he can walk all over you.
With B, tell him whats going on! He doesn't think of you as "the other woman" he thinks of you as "the woman". But, he is scared to say so because you did tell him before he wasn't good enough by staying with your current boyfriend. He wants to be with you but he's scared to say so because of your previous actions.
You should talk to him about it and explain to him whats going on and see what comes out of it.
At most, you could have a great relationship with this guy, or at the least, get correct information and be on the same page as B.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (30 April 2011):
 Why are you only good enough to be the other woman? Because you let yourself be.
It takes two to tango, you could have just said no. You knew they were in relationships. They will NEVER leave their girlfriends for you. They have a loving girlfriend, and then theres you, who gives them easy sex.
Stop sleeping with taken men. Seriously. How can a man respect a woman who sleeps with a guy who she KNOWS is taken.
You need to keep your legs closed until you find a guy who is available.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): "i become a crumbling mess with zero self respect who would do anything they asked"
Which is a BIG RED FLAG that you have little self respect and are trying to win approval by getting what someone else has.
"in the past month he has cheated on her twice with me. yet he is still with her. his actions scream youre not good enough to leave her for"
Again, you are getting into relationships with "attached" men, and you need to figure this out.
"what is so wrong with me, that i am only ever good enough to be the other woman"
You are choosing to be "the other woman", which often means some history of problems in childhood, family of origin, sex abuse, low self esteem, etc, etc.
The question is "why" are you doing this. Figure that out, but first put a stop to all sexual relationships until you do.
Why?
Because you will go back to the same behavior if you don't understand why. You may meet the most wonderful man in the world tomorrow, who will love you with all his heart, and you won't feel like it is enough, something will always end up being "wrong" and you will wreck it.
Why?
Because, you said it, "i dont feel good enough for anyone", and that guy as he loves you and devotes his life to you, will make you feel like you are "less than enough" and "dirty" because he actually loves you and you will start having negative feelings creep in on your end, about yourself.
Do you use drugs, of any type?
Mom or Dad divorced?
Mom or Dad have affairs?
Any history of sex abuse?
Any history of neglect?
Do you drink?
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