A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes: I am sorry this is so very long.I am so confused. Background.... I love my husband (he's 39 btw) of 6 years and for the last 7+ years we have been in the swinger lifestyle. (we were swingers before we were married) he is my third husband. I have never cheated on a husband before... and technically I am still NOT cheating on my husband.Both hubby and I have had gastric bypass (this is important) and while DH is about 30 pounds from his goal I am below my goal... so I'm TINY now... (under 5'3" in about a size 10)I met a man (he's 37 and very small in frame and stature) (and my hubby knows him) and over a year of infrequent flirtations always done in front of my DH we managed to finally connect in November. We started an email correspondence... then I went to visit him in December with my husband's knowledge and "permission". I spent the night but we did not have sex.... we did cuddle a lot... no necking either.I came home and hubby is insane with jealousy. and over and over tells me he wants out of the lifestyle. and I said fine... we can get out of the lifestyle. I said I would happily be friends with the new guy and not have sex with him. but then hubby keeps going back and forth and telling me I can... then I can't then I can then I can't. It's driving me nuts. I went to see the other guy on Saturday till Sunday afternoon with hubby's knowledge and "permission" I had "free reign" to do anything I wanted. So we did. We had dinner, we watched a movie and we spent most of the night and the next morning doing other things.I was home by 2:30. My hubby was not home yet. He had gone out and necked with a girl the night before with my approval and had she not run out on him he probably would have done more with her. Hubby finally got home but the drama queen in him will NOT let up.... he insists I'm going to fall in love with the other guy (so not an option for either of us) he swears I'm going to leave him for the other guy... NOT an option....I offered to end my friendship with this guy totally but DH said no... that it was just about the sex so I told him fine I'll stop sleeping with him... (which I have done all of one time)... and DH is still not happy.Now I need to point out that I have NEVER lied to DH ever about anything.... yet he has lied to me... cheated on me before we got married. and as recently as Christmas eve lied to me about something (and I caught him... and yes it involved him spending time with another woman.. but because he does not want to sleep with her he thinks it's ok)Dh has no self-esteem. and I can't fix that.OK after all that BACKGROUND here's the question:Why should I not be allowed to have a male friend when my DH can have all the female friends he wants?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for their input and advice. I guess maybe I was venting more than anything....
I guess there are some interesting points I need to add... I'm not making excuses but adding clarification (at least in my mind)....
Aunt Honesty you are totally correct he's scared to death that I will leave him. And to be honest, the SEX is the least of his problems with this friendship. I could easily have a non-sexual relationship with the other man and he with me.... we have already talked about that and agreed we could go that way if Hubby could not deal with us being intimate.
To be honest, I think that my husband does not realize that the danger lies in our emotional attachment to each other not our physical attachment. but the other guy sees that. We are willing to give up the physical aspects of our relationship (after all we are 2 hours apart by car so it's not like we see each other all that often) but we are NOT willing to give up the friendship... (at least he's NOT, I would if I had to to keep my husband happy but my husband is very happy to have us be friends)
Bernard,
I do not think he is a control freak as much as a scared partner. I am the dominant partner in our marriage. He defers to me about most decisions and the running of our home I am after all 11 years older than he is.
anonymous,
trust me if my husband leaves me I will never get married again. I'm 50 I am self-sufficient totally. In fact I support the household and I own the house myself... Hubby won't leave I'm his meal ticket after all. and until this new guy came along (which by the way my relationship with him is not truly in the spirit of swinging but more in the spirit of open or poly marriage) we were fine and dandy with the lifestyle since we always were together at parties.. the LIFESTYLE has actually strengthen our marriage in many ways just like when we are in a good place about my relationship with this guy we are in an awesome place together...
Eddie,
your post is the MOST astute one of the bunch and I appreciate it. I don't harbor resentment so much as I don't trust him. It's hard to near impossible to regain trust once it's gone. And this is the first time there has been someone who caught my eye... AND it's not actually part of the lifestyle as we agreed to it.
I'm basically being an evil bitch asking him to allow me this sanctioned affair.... and I know this... but since he's been allowed all his flirtations and dalliances over the last 8 years I think I could and should be indulged in this ONE. I am not lying to him but I easily could. He trusts me that much... BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER LIED TO HIM
I think perhaps I'm too pragmatic and cold and hard to be a married woman. Maybe I don't believe in true love... Maybe even at 50 I don't really know what love is.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (11 January 2011):
 These swinger arrangements seem to cause more drama then they are worth.
From your post, it does indeed sound like he has a double standard. He tells you to have fun, and yet blows a gasket when you do what he has allowed.
I am not sure what the answer is here, but I think you guys need to analyze your lifestyle. It may be that your husband can't handle the swinging lifestyle when you've found your own "outlet" In other words, he wants his fun but you can't have yours. Since you've lost the weight, it sounds like you've become more desirable and I am sure he may worry that you'll leave him for one of your mates.
It's probably time for you guys to have a chat with one another about the status of your relationship. I think your husband has been dishonest from time to time and I think you guys have some trust issues to work out. It also sounds like you are harboring some resentment about his past indiscretions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): You will have to clear that issue out with him, not us. A marriage is between 2 people and if you let that lifestyle since the beginning is going downfall. Talk to your husband and try to have a monogamous relationship for once or else be preparing yourself for husband No.4
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 I guess he is insecure and scared that you will fall in love and leave him. I honestly dont understand why married people have sex with other people anyway. Marriage should be between two people and nobody else. It is starting to show the strain now as your husband is getting jelous and it is going to lead to a very messy place if it keeps going like this. I think you both need to agree to stop having sex with other people and concentrate on each other.
It shouldnt matter though if you both have platonic friends of the opposite sex, you should be able to trust each other and if there is no trust there is no marriage. I think it will be difficult for the both of you to trust each other due to the lifestyle you both lead but i think it would be best if that came to an end and you both just commited to each other.
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