A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am nearly 19 and still never had a boyfriend. Or been kissed. It could just be because of my introverted personality, my pickiness (cause I like a good characteristics) or because of the whole 'waiting for the right guy' thing, but personally, I'm beginning to think it's something else much more serious: race. I'm black but went and lived in a 'white' school and area for quite a lot of my childhood and early teen years. I find myself easily attracted to white guys, and no matter how good looking or awesome any black other guy seems, I only see him as a friend, or family and can never muster anything more. I laugh and joke with them but there's never really...anything there. They don't make my heart beat and my mind reel - something I feel is important in at least the beginning of a relationship. I'm too comfortable around black guys. It's worrying me because I don't want to be racist, but I don't want to be lonely forever either. Discrimination of any kind towards others makes me sick, I hate it, but the way that I'm behaving is making me question my own morals... White guys never notice me while I get plenty of opportunities with black guys. Any never take them. People say, "No, darling, it's fine, don't ever feel apolegetic for who you're attracted to!" but it isn't, it feels wrong and I don't know how to explain it to guys that hit on me and demand explanations...nor to myself! This year I'm off to university!! So I'm hoping I'll meet great people of whichever race and hopefully be able to find some chemistry with any of them, regardless of colour. So my question: Why am I like this? Am I racist? Am I doomed to forever stay a lonely, racist woman until I die?
View related questions:
never had a boyfriend, notice me, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 January 2014):
Dear OP,
You are overanalyzing things, because you're still single and so you're scared that something's wrong with you. This is very self-destructive and won't get you anywhere.
I am white, blonde and have blue eyes.. and visually, I prefer guys with black hair, brown eyes and a darker skin tone than me. I don't think that's racist against white men, I don't hold any negative stereotypes against them. In the end, I might also end up with a blond man. But why not try out whether I can date someone I really find visually attractive at first sight?
CMMP says it right, personality CAN overcome our initial taste. But so far, maybe those guys who were interested in you.. just didn't convince you. You don't need to explain this to anyone! No one can explain why they don't fancy a particular person, the spark is either there or it's not! I've been dating guys that liked me and I found I am not attracted to them.. so I just said, I am sorry, but I don't feel the same way as you do. Period. No need to make a detailed report about me not liking their eating or smoking habits or the fact that they were balding or anything. You don't OWE your attraction, your love or sex to anyone! As a woman, this is very important to know. Or else, you'll get exploited sooner or later.
And, what's good news: The guys you don't like, I am sure someone else will. They might look like cousins to YOU, but not to every other woman. You don't need to be charitable and date anyone just to prove to yourself that you're being "fair". Really. It won't make anybody happy.
My first advice is: Stop the negative "am I racist"/"I am uninteresting to everyone I like" etc. monologue. You want to find ONE good guy. And so far, you didn't find the right match. That's all. Even your preference for white guys, it's only in your head right now, because you've had neither a black nor a white boyfriend. In the end, I am sure you won't only go for race, but you'll need to find many qualities in a guy in order to become his girlfriend.
My second advice is: Get active! Focus on your new university life and try to meet many new people, make friends of every race. And if you like someone, don't overanalyze, allow sympathy and love and whatever to happen. Let curiosity and openness guide you, instead of your fears.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (4 January 2014):
Racism is about feeling superior, not attraction. Although, attraction can be formed by society's racism, that's for sure.
I am white and find myself attracted to non white women a little more than white women. But, when I get to know a white woman and her personality is great it eliminates that preference.
Maybe you need to give a black man a chance. If you like his personality and think he's good looking, just go on a couple of dates and see what happens.
If you want to date a white guy you probably need to flirt a little and make it clear you're interested. Sometimes people of other races may assume you're not interested unless you do so.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 January 2014):
 So you think that subconsciously you are rejecting certain people just because of race, while consciously you are opposed to such a policy. First your conscious decisions say a lot more about you than your subconscious. Second you are picky and it is not unusual for a picky girl of your age to not have had a serious romantic relationship at your age.
I think your hopes for college are appropriate and I also hope that in that atmosphere of higher education you will find more guys that reach your standards. At your stage you should focus more on friendships and stop worrying that you will be alone forever. You have plenty of time.
I have a return question for you. Are you attracted to black men who are actors, or famous, or wealthy , or powerful influential? I think it is very possible that you are just looking fro guys with the right qualities, whatever those are. You may be shutting off guys before you know them well enough, no matter what their race is. Perhaps you have already thought of this.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, FLORALXOX +, writes (4 January 2014):
No this is not racist! Don't think like that! We all prefer certain people for example lesbians- its not sexist? Therefore this isn't racist. You will find someone. Despite their race. In this situation I think the race of certain people is been taken into more thought than it should be. Forget the colour- of course we all have preferred looks- so find someone who appeals and then take it that one step further. Its not about race its about YOU. What YOU like and what YOU want in someone. If it doesn't work there's more fish in the sea!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): You're not accountable to anyone about who you are physically attracted to. Unless vulnerable people like minors are involved that is. Nor do you have to give reasons to the guys you turned down as to why you turned them down.'Sorry, I just see you as a friend' will suffice.Beyond that, if you can be friends with anyone and treat everyone with respect then you are ok.South Africa has come a long way since the days of apartheid. But racism is still rife unfortunately which narrows your opportunities.All you can do is get on with your life and meet many people from all walks of life. You never know when cupid will strike. Love trumps a 'type' in a lot of cases. I don't the mean boring passionless sort. People find themselves incredibly attracted to someone they'd never expected until they met the one that did it for them. Good luck and spread the love
...............................
|
