A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband walked out when we found out I was pregnant with our second child in August. (We had been having fertility treatment so it wasn't a surprise). He has been suffering from mood swings and depression so the doctor gave him antidepressants. These started to make him feel better and he moved back in with us and gave the marriage another go. He stayed a couple of weeks but stopped his tablets and has just left us again. I have tried to support and understand but I don't know what else to do. We have both said we still love each other but his priority is himself and I don't recognise him anymore. (He used to be such a kind, caring and considerate husband and father). Our baby is due soon and I would love to work things out but maybe I need to accept he doesn't want to be with his family anymore? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (4 January 2014):
 I feel very sorry for you in this situation. Could you seek some advise from his GP? He or she won't be able to divulge any personal information your husband has given them, but could possibly offer some advise (for you) more generally about depression. Mental health problems are common (affecting one in four adults at some point in their life) so GPs do know a lot.
Also I think it's a good idea to tell the GP that your husband has stopped taking his medication. The GP can't force him to take them, but at least he/she will know how serious the situation is. Some people can play down how unwell they really are. Your husband may need some more robust treatment/ more frequent appointments for follow up, possibly therapy.
This is a good website for further info: http://www.depressionalliance.org/help-and-information/friends-and-family.php
All the best to you.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 January 2014):
 My first response when I read this was what an A-hole then after I read more I said wait maybe he had a breakdown and needs some serious help. I think the later should be the response to go with. Find him and get him help.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 January 2014):
 'How long is a piece of string' that pretty much sums up the ways in which depression can destroy peoples lives.
There is help, but the very nature of depression often makes it's sufferer run away from help because it can be very frightening to have to deal with the 'demons'
Depression is also a very hard thing for family and friends to support. If a loved one breaks their leg, you know it will eventually heal, if they had something more serious like cancer or MS, you can deal with the sadness of it and find acceptance if they die...but derpession is different because it cannot be seen by the eye and can sometimes have no cause. It is one of the most misunderstood illnesses that there is.
So what can you do?
First accept that your husband is responsible for taking the path to his own recovery (which he has by seeking help before). He has now fallen off the path and may need some time and space to come to terms with what he is feeling, so you need to let him know you still love and support him but also give him space.
It's really hard for you, because at this time, you need help and support yourself but just be comforted by the fact that he 'absolutely knows' he should be there for you...but right now, he just doesn't have the tools or the mindset and he is unable at this time to shake off negativity and doubt. His action of leaving you is his way of protecting you from him in this state.
It's a very normal thing for chronic depressives to cut themselves off because they are the last people on earth who'd want to inflict their terrible state on anyone.
He may have stopped taking medication because he believes it isn't working or he feels weak or guilty for needing it when other men around him are standing strong. He might be in such a selfish place in his head that he has blocked everything out. You don't recognise him because the 'him' you know is buried under a great oppressive pile of doubt, worry and dissapointing pain and he is literally suffocating!
Do not tell yourself he doesn't want to be with the family any more!! and do not say that to him because it's a statement that will seem like an enourmous guilt trip by you to make him come back sooner than he wants to.
He does want to be with you and his children, but he is ill right now and if he were suffering from cancer or parkinsons or dementia or anything else, you would accept that he could not play as active a role in the family because his illness would prevent him...it is no different with depression.
Do what you can to get a support system around you, friends, family, whoever can help you out in this time. Let him know that you have some understanding as to why he needs to be away from you at this time (as tough as it is)let him know that you love and miss him and take lots of pictures of the children (when the new baby comes) so he does not miss out entirely on any memories.
Eventually and hopefully he will seek help again and find the strength to fight his illness with available help...when will he recover?...well like I said 'it's a piece of string'...you just have to not let go of the string!!
I hope this helped and good luck with the birth of your child xxx
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