A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I married a woman 10 years older than me who had been married for 20 years before me. We have a good loving marriage, but our sex life is very basic. She has a very heavy sexual history with lots of porn, sex toys etc that she claims was her ex husbands doing all the time. I have found many inconsistencies with her story since she claims she hated his guts. Why does a woman do things she claims she does not like especially with a man she claims she hated? is this crap she is feeding me or am I a man who has shown her respect and so she figures she doesn't have to do things she doesn't want? I dont care for porn or sex toys, but I would like more reciprocation and oral sex at least. Why am I feeling a bit cheated? Did I make a mistake marrying a person with such a heavy past? Does her past affect her willingness level? Are her best years behind her?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): You might be feeling jealous. And that is giving rise to the feeling of being cheated. After all, she did things with him that she doesnt want to do with you. So its not surprising that you might feel you are being cheated out of certain things. If you are in a loving relationship with her, then marrying her, whatever her past, wasnt a mistake. And yes, i expect her past will have affected her willingness level now. If their marriage was limping along and the husband was coming up with more and more ideas to keep sex alive. Theres a good chance things did get pretty dark n nasty before they parted. And i can understand her having a mental block now about certain things. If she tried most things to keep him happy and the marriage still failed. She might feel she wasnt good enough in that department. She might equate sex with failing. You werent there, so you dont know how he treated her. He may have lost respect for her and treated her badly because she was doing certain things. In her mind, she might worry that you will end up treating her the same way if she agrees to certain things. Its unfair to imagine she did things with him while hating him. Im sure the hate came later. And trying to guilt her into doing more with you isnt going to help. Its like taking a sledge hammer to crack a nut! It wont work very well.The issue needs sensitive handling. You could try couples or marriage counselling with her to overcome the problems. Im sure if she was willing it would help a lot. If she wont go with you. Atleast talk to her without making her feel pressured or guilty. With patience, sensitive love making and plenty of respect, im sure she can be encouraged to explore areas with you that have been hitherto withheld.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): The politically correct answer: No, her past is irrelevant. How dare you ask her to do something if she says she did not enjoy it with some other guy.
The common sense answer that is totally obvious to anyone that is not just trying to defend your wife on princple because she's female: Yes, her past is the reason you won't get anything fun from her.
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A
female
reader, alexia846 +, writes (12 December 2010):
have you talked to her and raised your concerns? it sounds like there is no communication
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