A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now. We are absolutely crazy about each other and we were each other's firsts for a lot of things. We both lost our virginity to each other when we were 17. However, he knows that he is not the only guy I have slept with. A couple years ago me and him had a pretty bad break up and it left me in shambles. Months after that break up, I still was not over him, and I was willing to do anything to try to move on, so I ended up sleeping with one of my guy friends, which was one of the worst decisions I have ever made in my life! It was terrible, he was aggressive and forceful about it, I did not enjoy it one bit, he was a complete jerk to me afterwards, and not a day goes by that I do not wish I could take it back. A few months after that me and my boyfriend ended up getting back together, but of course before we did I told him that I had slept with someone else, and of course naturally he was a little disappointed at first but said we could work through it and it would be ok. Years have passed since then and we barely talked about it. We have been in a great and long relationship since, had a lot of awesome sex, and we even recently got engaged. However, the other night we were talking on the phone and the subject just happened to come up. I tried not to talk about it but he kept bringing it back up and I could tell he was starting to get upset. I asked if he was alright and he finally said, "Why is it that you are the only girl I have slept with but I can't be the only guy you've been with?" I explained to him again that it was a terrible mistake, it is a thing of the past, and that it did not matter to me. Then he got really angry and said it mattered to him because he is always comparing himself to the other guy I was with and worries that he isn't as good as he was and it bothers him that I gave it to him so easy. I once again explained it was a mistake and I wanted to focus on just me and him. I said I understood why he would be upset by it, because it would kill me if he had slept with someone else, but I did not want that to harm our relationship now. Then he got even more angry and said he wanted to be left alone, did not want to talk to me anymore, and hung up without saying "I love you" or anything else, and he always says I love you before we go to bed. I sent him a text the next morning saying I did not want to fight anymore and I do not want a stupid thing of the past to ruin our relationship and the good things that are going for us now. He has not responded or talked to me for days now. I am getting really worried that he might break up with me because of something that happened years ago. I do not understand why I am being punished now for a stupid mistake I made when we were not even together. It makes me wish I had never done it even more and the thought I might lose the love of my life over it, even years later, kills me. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): NO! Lying about the past is NOT right! Nobody has the right to decide what "should" matter about their past. Everyone is responsible for the things they do, not the things they would have done in hindsight. I cannot rewrite my education, my career, my criminal record, financial history, family background, etc. Don't tell me it is okay for someone to rewrite their sexual history just because the truth is inconvenient. The fact that the truth would make a difference to your partner is the whole reason why your partner has the right to hear the truth. Nobody owes their partner every detail about the past. But everyone owes their partner an honest picture of what they are capable of, if their partner wants to know. You cannot convey where your moral lines are drawn by leaving out the bad stuff.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): It is an unfortunate situation. the rationalizations dont matter about whether you were broke up, if he is immature or whatever. from having been there the fact of the matter is he doesnt see you the same as he did and that is what he loved. it sounds like he has tried and probably really does love you or atleast the memory of you, but this choice of yours doesnt have any place to fit in that memory for him. it doesnt mean you were wrong to make your choices but you and he have to deal with the consequences. for him, heneeds to find forgiveness for you even if you dont think it is his to forgive. that can be tough. i imagine he will need to have this balanced for him and that means he needs another experience or few to take some of the specialness away from you being his only one bc you cant give that back now and it was special to him and he wont think you deserve it. i may be wrong, there may be enough there that it will not matter but he needs to make that decision and probably has to see more of what he would lose now to not have you versus what to him he lost in that breakup period. even if it doesnt workout, dont let it destroy you or change who you want to be. if you want to be a hookup girl, enjoy it. if you want to be a relationship girl, just do that. if you find a guy like him again with limited history or no casual hookups, maybe lie about it if he doesnt have a similar history. if you cant change it and it shouldnt matter then it doesnt have to be there. things will workout for you. good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): If retro jealousy is the result of insecurity and abandonment issues then why do lots of people without those problems still have RJ?
Does any human emotion have such a simple one-size-fits all explanation? Can every case of human anger or sadness or (non-retro) jealousy be explained with the same sentence? People do not all work the same way.
Different people's RJ is caused by different things. Sometimes its because of their past. Other times its their moral values. Or how it might be affecting their current life. Usually its a combination of several things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): I stand by my suggestion that it is immaturity. If you were your boyfriend's first and only, he has nothing to compare you to. He feels inadequate; because he fears the other guy may have been more experienced, thus more satisfying to you.Whether he can grow out of it or not, your concern is how he is handling it at the "present." You're engaged and "retro jealousy" does go back to childhood issues that have not been resolved. It stems from insecurity born of low self-esteem and abandonment issues. Most of our behavior now is a reflection of our formative years as children; and our relationship to our parents. He hasn't progressed beyond a point of emotional injury as a younger boy, if you wish to attribute the behavior to "retro jealousy."It isn't your responsibility to cure him, no matter what it is. I thinks his problem is much less complicated. He feels betrayed, and he isn't comfortable about the fact he may not be adept, due to a lack of sexual experience.Leave him alone and give him time to work things out in his head.You can't change your past, and you are both rather young to be considering marriage. His angry reaction is childish, and he needs time to get past all this. A tantrum is hardly the adult way to handle the situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): I disagree with WiseOwlE about your BF's problem being immaturity. Retro jealousy afflicts men and women of all ages. Some people have it and some don't, but it isn't something a person will grow out of. Some people just have it more than others. People who don't suffer from retro jealousy often try to chalk it up to some character flaw like immaturity or insecurity. But it isn't that simple. A guy might complain that his GF's past bothers him because of feeling insecure for example. But his GF will probably discover that she cannot make him feel "secure" enough to get rid of the problem, not even after she successfully convinces him that he is the best lover she has ever had. The retro jealousy still won't go away because insecurity was only a symptom of his problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): If you were between 15-17 when the incident happened; you had very little judgement at that age. Breaking up means, breaking up. If he can't get past it, you're better off letting him go.You can't change the past, and he can't punish you for what you did when you were no longer in a relationship. What you did was wrong for you so soon; but you were just a young girl getting over a breakup. He's acting really stupid. His attitude is very immature, and he's probably looking for an excuse to break the engagement. Leave him alone, and let him work it out.This is a time for no contact. Let him sort things out. That means no e-mails, IM's, no Facebook, and no text messaging. Prepare yourself mentally in case he is contemplating a breakup. Let him cool off.In any case, you will survive. You're both just kids, and it's obviously too soon for you to be considering marriage anyway. This is a blessing in disguise. He's not mature enough to handle marriage. Both of you lack experience in general.Start planning college or career school. A marriage wouldn't last very long anyway; if you have no education and can't find a decent job to support each other in this economy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): Your boyfriend has what is commonly called "retroactive jealousy." Although his case is a little different because he probably never stopped loving you at the time it happened, broken up or not. RJ is a 100% normal problem. But our culture is in denial about it because it causes problems and it mainly afflicts men. Q. Why is he hurting you like this?A. Because your actions back then are continuing to hurt him right now. He is not choosing to feel this way. These emotions are INVOLUNTARY for him. Emotions do not obey logic. Your BF can control how he deals with his emotions but he cannot choose to stop having them. Q. What can you do? A. Not much. Don't let your Bf coax you into giving him more details about the incident. He might think knowing more details will help him get over it but it usually makes it worse. Q. How long will it bother your BF? A. For the rest of his life. Time does not heal this wound at all. Sorry but this is the cold hard truth. Q. Should I keep putting up with crap about it? A. No. Your BF needs to either accept this and stop mistreating you over it or else he needs to break up with you. You did nothing wrong to him in the past and you are not doing anything wrong now. The problem is his to deal with now. If he wants to stay with you then your history with this other guy is part of that package deal now.Your situation is very painful but also very common. Our culture shames men into burying and denying these feelings so it is not widely understood.
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