A
male
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*ovetoomuch
writes:so after 23 years of being married this question has come up. Why now I don’t know.Before I met my wife, she had a boyfriend in in high school. They waited until after graduation to have sex. While she was at collage he cheated on her. I met her 11 months later. I knew she had a past, but knowing her I figured it was situations that were special relationships to her. Now I just learned 23 years later in that 11 months she had sex with 6 guys. And when I met her she wasn’t dating anyone but did have a sex buddy. They would get together for sex. Heck they did things she refuses to do with me. I am having a problem with this, and am trying to get past it. I said it was way to many in that time frame. Getting over her ex-boyfriend was hard on her so I figure 2 months morning period. Brings it to 9 months. And six guys. I dated her for 2 weeks before we did and I remember thinking then that was fast. But thought we met and had something so right and special, it was an exception. Don’t know the last time her and her sex buddy had sex before that?She said her total with me included is 7. While 7 is not too bad of a number with her personality I would have thought maybe 4 max. her first, me her last. And may be a relationship or two that ended.I know the past is the past and before me doesn’t matter. I get that. But she has always claimed high morals. Now I find out “the virgin Marry was loose” and it has blown my image of her and for some reason after 23 years, some of my respect for her.Is having sex with 6 guys in a year considerd promiscuous? Why after 23 years am I having a problem with this?
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female
reader, emzarr  +, writes (21 January 2013):
Her ego was bruised, she was upset and perhaps thinking it was some way of getting back at her ex.
It would have just been a phase that she was going through as some way of dealing with the break up.
After 4 years my boyfriend and I broke up. I was distraught and slept with 3 guys. Now i've calmed down and am not going to be sleeping with anyone until I meet 'the one'. Which I am guessing is what she did. She got it out of her system.
She is with you now. You're the one she married. She didn't sleep with you until 2 weeks in because she most likely didn't want to rush things.
If you're struggling with getting through it you need to talk to her. Don't accuse her though because it is in the past. She can't change that.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 January 2013):
Unfortunately, this wont help you now, but this is one more vote for knowing your SOs past BEFORE you marry them. I know many here say lie or keep the past in the past, but one thing is for sure, and its the truth always tends to come out.
If you had this info 24 years ago, you may have made a different decision and not be posting here now.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 I don't think facial cumshots are degrading any more than causal sex with strangers are degrading.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): If I was so extremely bothered by a guy being cheapskate then why would I be engaged to him? So what if he used to spend money lavishly on his previous girlfriends when he was younger? People change. Becoming more responsible with money is but one way that people change as they get older and have more life experience (such as having a family to feed).
The point is that you shouldn't be surprised that your partner has different tastes and values and priorities in their 40s from when they were in their 20s.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): I am the anon who wrote the example about the cheapskate man.
So I need the whole "bitchy slutty" thing? Oh spare me. I described the exes that way because that is exactly how women tend to view their man's exes in situations like this. I was just trying to make the example realistic.
So men must be degrading a woman to want to have anal sex with her, cum on face, etc? Now who is stuck in the 1950s here? Try posting that opinion up in a separate question on Dearcupid. Many women will disagree with it. (And who even said that stuff was what the OP was referring to, anyway?)
My example is dead on. Denying it or taking cracks at me won't change that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): OP, whenever you kid yourself that your spouse is flawless and prize that, you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment in them which hurts not just yourself but the other person too. Its not fair to your spouse to put her on a pedastal because she cant live up to that and then you will get disillusioned and she will lose your love or you will turn against her in anger for not being the perfect angel she never was but who you had made her out to be.
Think of this as an opportunity to get to know your wife better and learn to think in less black and white terms. Because no one is all good or all bad. Neither is your wife. And neither are you. And that's ok.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 "She is flawless in my eyes . Turns out she is also human ". I.e., with flaws.
This, if we decide that for a young ,single woman the discretionary exercise of her sexuality according to her wants and needs is a flaw. Or that it is a flaw for an adult to consent freely to an only sexual relationship.
So, it is necessarily a flaw ? regardless of status, personal history and circumstances ?
Sayz who ?
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 January 2013):
I believe a man who loves a woman would want to spend money and do romantic things for her. The same can't be said with "if a woman loves me, then she would let me have anal sex with her, do threesomes and facial cumshots."
If doing these things are disgusting an unvirgin like, how does it make it more loving if she chooses to do it with you?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 January 2013):
 to the male anonymous poster.... i would much rather be with a man who is careful with his money and does not feel the need to buy my love than a man who wastes it on "bitchy slutty girlfriends'
or even if he spent lots of money on a lovely virginal young woman who he cared about but before he learned how to be an adult and budget properly.
see you need that whole "bitchy slutty" thing to separate for you who is ok to sleep with and who is ok to marry. and never the twain shall met.
To the OP, I love your update and I hope and pray you and your wife can move past this... yes realizing that she is human and not the goddess you saw her as, is a bit of a shock but now you may find that things may even "lighten up a bit" in terms of how you react to things.
I know for me when my BFF fell off my perfect pedestal I had her on our relationship took on a very different (and better) tone. We have been BFFs for as long as you have been married to your wife.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): Imagine being a woman and engaged to cheapskate guy. He tells you he loves you but he won't spend a lot of money on you. He doesn't do crazy romantic things with you. He says this is "just who he is" and you should be okay with that. It bothers you but there is enough else about him you like that you decide to live with it. Then imagine you discover that your "cheapskate" fiance used to blow all kinds of money on his bitchy slutty ex-GFs who mistreated him. Then he got to you, decided he has self-respect now, and won't spend money on you like he did them. You feel hurt and you ask him why he won't do that stuff for you. He tells you that you should be honored that he trusts you enough not to make those efforts to please you like he did them. He is "over it" and he's in a different stage in life now. He says he is not who he was then and you should be happy about that. Women, can you tell me you would not feel second best to his exes? Would any amount of explanations make you not feel that way?
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male
reader, lovetoomuch +, writes (3 January 2013):
lovetoomuch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have decided that I am an ASS. And the past is the past. I am still perplexed by her behavior back in those days. If you knew her now, you to would be scratching your head.
A little more input to answer some of the questions in the remarks. What brought it up!
My son has a girl friend and he was asking me what I thought about “his” feelings to her past. We have a good open relationship.
I told my wife of our conversation and that is when we started talking about her past.” A bad decision” So it kind of took me by surprise. And the friend with benefits floored me. I had no idea. So even though it happened 23 years ago. The shock just happened for me.
She is flawless in my eyes. Turns out she is also human.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 January 2013):
I don't think she refuses to do certain acts because you don't look as hot as those guys she dated. People change. There are virgins who got married and do crazy stuff. There are wild girls who married and sex stopped all of a sudden. There are virgins who are frigid all their lives. There are wild girls who married but have regular sex.
Somehow the wild girls who did not match up to their husbands' expectation become deceptive people, and the ones who get the least respect from men.
I think you would respect her more if:
1. She gives you what you want in your sex life.
2. She's a virgin, but still refuses to do certain things.
If I were you I would try to understand why she doesn't want to do certain things. What we want at 18 is different from what we want at 30, and 40. Just like at the ages from 8 t0 15 I loved roller coasters. Now I don't care. I am afraid to injure my back and neck. If a guy is dating me and is excited to bring me to an amusement park and I told him I don't like roller coasters, am I being deceptive?
You are taking it personally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): to the male anon who says the OP's wife misled him and thus she is the one who is in the wrong: where does it say that the wife deliberately lied 23 years ago? for all we know, it sounds like the OP made certain assumptions back then and didn't press her for details before he started dating her and before he married her. Maybe he didn't press for details now but those details somehow surfaced anyway and now he has a problem with what happened 23 years ago before he knew her.if the wife deliberately lied 23 years ago so that he would date her and then marry her, then, yes, she is in the wrong for deceiving him. and the wife would also be in the wrong if the reason the details surfaced now is because she was being "loose" again like sleeping around or trying to contact her old lovers to set something up. if she did not deceive him then she has done nothing wrong. and it's unfair that he judge her for something that is not within her control now (her past)there are problems that stem from the relationship between two people because of how they treat each other and what they do to each other. And then there are problems that stem solely from within one person because of their own individual hang-ups. Does the OP have a right to his hang-ups. Sure, we all do. But that doesn't change the fact that it would be his hang-ups that would be destroying the relationship now, if his wife had not deliberately deceived him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 January 2013):
How sad for you that your wife has fallen off her pedestal. I do not say that to be mean or nasty but that's what's happened.
This may have happened 26 years ago or however long.... but for you it just happened.
I do wonder what brought it up.
I also am going to suggest some formal counseling for you to work through the feelings you have as well as perhaps some couples counseling to deal with what I am sure you feel is a betrayal of trust and clearly a lack of communication on your wife's part.
I personally based on my past, think you are way over reacting to her past. She did not cheat on you, and I don't know that she LIED or if she just never volunteered information and let you make assumptions....
IF you didn't think to ask then, clearly it was not an issue for you then... so why is it an issue now?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): To the female anon who said it was unfair for the O.P. to "judge" his wife:
You are right, the OP has no right to judge his wife. But 23 years ago he had every right to decide he was not compatible with her. For this reason or any other damn reason he pleases. He does not wish to sentence her to jail for sleeping around, he just finds it unattractive to him personally. Enough with this "judging" stuff.
She misled him about who she is and what her values are. She might not think it is important, you might not think it is important . . . but what gives her, or you, the right to decide how another man should choose his own wife? What gives anyone else the right to tell him what should matter to him?
She deceived him about herself and that took away his choice. She effectively tricked him into marrying someone whose morals conflicted with his. This is absolutely NOT his fault. She created this problem, not him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2013):
 You are the last. That's all that's important. She didn't cheat. She didn't lie. She didn't misrepresent. You said you accepted her past, and that's it. Now to hear you counting off her ex-boyfriends and times they did it and the stuff they did like you're writing a grocery list seems a bit obsessive and weird, especially after 23 years.
You're reacting to her saying she had 6 other guys as if she told you she had sex with the United States Marine Corps. 6 is nothing to get your blood pressure up about. She's not the Virgin Mary, and it's shocking you compared that to her. Were you a virgin when you married her?
The other aunts hit it on the head. Some people's response to being cheated on and devastated is to assuage their ego by seeking out opposite sex attention. Have you changed in 20 years? I guarantee that everyone has. The decisions one makes while they are young are often what they would never make when they grow older and more mature.
Concentrate on your marriage now. You have no idea whatsoever how precious this time is. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, and you'll never forgive yourself if you wasted what little time on earth counting her past guys and not loving each other unconditionally.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 January 2013):
Having sex with six guys in a year while at college and mending a broken heart isn't exactly unusual in my opinion. I think six would put her a little below average if I had to guess.
You have to understand the circumstances and that it was for a short period in her life.
Then she met you and the rest is history. Try to judge her for what you've seen as it's vert easy to let your imagination run wild.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): it's unfair for you to be judging her now after 23 years, for things she did BEFORE you started even dating her! If the relationship now falls apart it will be entirely your own doing. It's your insecurity and she has done nothing wrong. So you have to deal with this on your own and don't make it her problem.
Who are YOU to decide what the cut off number is for what is acceptable or not? where did you come up with the number 4 from?? That's just your arbitrary standard. So it means nothing, objectively speaking. So who are you to call her "loose"!!! that is very disrespectful to the woman who has been a loving and loyal wife to you for 23 years.
she is the same woman today as she was since you married her. People change over the years. If the marriage now changes, it will be entirely due to YOU and not to her so you should get a grip on your insecurity.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 I'm wondering how and why this came up after 23 years, but anyway ...
Your wife is still the same person she was before she told you this.
You are judging her for her behaviour at a time when she was probably quite distraught. Being cheated on by your first love is horrible, shattering to some, and it can make people act in a way that they wouldn't usually, even going against their own moral code.
I really hope you can put this firmly behind you and stop going over it all in your head. It sounds like you've had a long and happy marriage. Don't spoil it over things that happened before you'd even met.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): "is having sex with 6 guys promiscuous?" it totally depends who you ask. It's totally subjective. There are people who married as virgins and people who married with 100 previous partners. A woman having 6 partners is nothing unusual at all. But neither is cheating on your partner or physically assaulting your partner. "its normal" does not justify something. "Heck they did things she refuses to do with me." This is important. You cannot feel anything but second place because of this. Period. If the past really didn't matter then it would not have affected your sex life with her. If the past did matter then you absolutely had the right to know about it."she claimed high morals." She just didn't live them. She misled you about herself. Would you have wanted to date her at the time if you had known that stuff about her? Think hard about that because it might be a real factor in your feelings. "it was 23 years ago" but you just found out today. Emotionally it feels more like a present event for you than it really is.
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female
reader, R1 +, writes (2 January 2013):
 I think you are being very judgemental. you haven't mentioned how many women you have slept with? Surely she can still have morals despite not being a virgin! Most people would be flattered that you were the one she chose to commit too.
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female
reader, poppleton +, writes (2 January 2013):
Please, please, hard as it is, to remember what is important.So many people reading this site would love to have such a long marriage, and the mutual love, respect and support that this means.Try not to get hung up about numbers. I am like you and I understand your shock and revulsion at the 'tally', but, honestly, it really wouldn't be considered promiscuous by the majority of people these days.You need to look at your wife according to the wife she has been to you for 23 years, and not things that happened before you met.I am sure if she had met you earlier she would not have made the choices she did.If she'd known you were around the corner, she would have made other choices, but don't punish her for that now, and think of counselling as an opportunity for you to give you the space and time you need to think this all out.
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