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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid I was a stripper when I met my current boyfriend. He is 29 years older than me and well established in his business. When he asked me to stop stripping I didn’t think twice. Three months after we started dating I got pregnant. I now have his first child. We have been together for over one year and he has been taking very good care of me and the baby. Recently a woman called my cell phone and asked to speak with him. At first he lied saying that it was his secretary but when the lady called me back cursing me and our child I knew that something wasn’t right. He said that he would come clean and admitted that he had been lying about his “ex”. The truth was that she was still coming in and out of his home. He said that he admitted to her that he wanted to be with me and our son and that she would be moving all of her things out in 1 week. After the week came and went I asked for the number to his house and he refused to give it to me saying that she hadn’t got the rest of her things out and wait a while longer. Well I got the number off the internet myself and I called the house. When she answered the phone I told her who I was and said that I wanted to ask some questions. She seemed a lot more polite this time around. She explained to me that she was in the home and she had always been there. She said that they sleep in the bed together every night that he’s home. I asked if they still have sex and she replied “he can’t get it up”. I told her that we have sex often and she replied well “he doesn’t believe that the baby is his and he wants a DNA test. She also informed me of a new house that he had just purchased and the plans they were making to move into it. (Mind you we were planning on moving together in the next 6-months)Now he says that he does want to be with me and his son and she’s only staying around to help him relocate and tie up their loose ends then she’s moving back home. We went on a romantic trip but only argued. We start couples counselling next week. Is he still lying to me and her about his relationships or should I give it a try?
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female
reader, mountainmama +, writes (24 February 2006):
Second what Irish said--you got caught in his BS and forget red flags--this guy has red spinnakers with neon. Huge. Frankly, he sounds like a married/taken man who is dong the "cake and eat it" thing. Obviously he is playing both sides of the fence. If the guy would not give you a home number, he is living with someone...usually his wife.I like Irish's first suggestion...decide you are worth far more than that and break it off. He is not worth your time, and if you do stay you are in danger of setting a precedent where he treats you badly and cheats because you stayed, therefore you approve. I think he is beyond being affected by boundaries, though. The first reader suggests no contact--make him put up or shut up! He needs to make a choice, and if it is not you, get steppin'. Either way, good luck with your decision--you have a lot of thinking to do. MM
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2006): I am glad you are going to couple counseling with him because there are so many 'neon flashing red flags' blinking here. Perhaps a well experience therapist can 'lay it all on the table' with what is really happening. I think you were so blindsided by love, that the sad 'realities' is now taking root and I am sorry. You have been in a relationship for a year and you have a child together. That's a pretty big undertaking and a monumental committment. But now you say-you have never been to his home? Out of the blue, his ex calls you on your cell? He lies about her being his secretary? You have to check the internet for his phone number? (this one blew me away!) What other little things about his life do you NOT know about? You have absolutely no reason to trust your boyfriend after all this...especially if he admitted to lying to you! Honesty and trust are the most important things in all relationships. If you can't trust your partner, if you cannot rely on them, then you will always be divided and apart from the one person who should be standing beside you against the world. And this is where he should be...by your side, everyday-helping you raise your child.
So, you have choices. You can be angry about what a big let-down this guy turned out to be. You can realize you don't need to tolerate being hurt. So if you choose you won't carry on in a relationship with him, I can empathize with you. Because this means you've decided right now that you're worth more than the what he's been treating you like. Or...You can start setting some relationship boundries. Take a stand and never be afraid to do this. Tell him to get rid of the ex, once and for all and you both make a fresh start with your baby. But he earns his trust back with you...slooowly. You don't hand it over that easy. You are now a wiser, more stronger woman. If you do move on and leave-go to a lawyer and make sure you and your child's 'rights' are taken care of. He will owe you child support. Then plan to re-educate yourself-work hard but do it for yourself and your child's future. Please do not go back to 'stripping', hun-that just erodes a woman's self-esteem. Just an added thought and I'd be interested if you could write back on this. Not sure if I'm the only one who caught it..but I really did wonder why you mentioned your previous line of work, even though it has nothing really to do with your problem. Judging by your posting, it did sound like you weren't happy doing that. Did you look for a partner to ´rescue you´ from the unhappiness and pain of that world? If you did, then a relationship should not be a refuge, it should be a combining of two happy worlds into one that surpasses you both. Could this be why you jumped into a relationship quickly, with not much thought for "who and what" this guy was? Just something to think about, dear. Good luck and take care. I really wish you the best.Stay true to you..
Hugs, Irish
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