A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. I love him with all of my heart. We have a lot of fun together when times are good. But lately, he has become more and more suicidal. He threatens to kill himself every few days. I try to get him to talk about it or talk to someone else but he won't. He refuses to get help. He is already on anti depressants and has been taking them since before I met him, but I don't think they are helping.What can I do to help him at this point? I love him so much, I can't bear to lose him. I'm so afraid I'm not doing enough for him. Should I tell his parents? He might never speak to me again if I do that, but I'd be willing to do it if it would help him.Any advice is appreciated. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (24 October 2012):
Hi. Well, that does sound pretty promising!
So with none of the factors I mentioned existing, that narrows it down, which could make it easier.
I'm really glad that walking in the fresh air helped, that's a good thing.
Because he lost his job earlier this year, and has not as yet found another job, it is entirely possible that he is feeling very bored at the moment.
And when people feel boredom on a regular basis, with no immediate prospect of a change to that situation, it can very often also lead to feelings of depression, as he seems to be experiencing.
In fact, boredom and depression often can go hand in hand.
It's not that uncommon.
The great thing about going off to work each morning, is that during the day you are with a lot of people, who you can chat with on and off throughout your day.
So with him being out of the workforce now, there is no doubt he would be missing that socialisation.
When everyone else in the household is out to work each day, and you are the only one home, it can be very lonely and a very isolating experience.
And if that's how it is for him, well then he may well be feeling lonely and isolated with no company, and nothing interesting to do with his time.
So with that being the case, it's no wonder he feels so down about life so constantly.
And also with what you said about he lost his confidence after losing the job he had, that is something that wouldn't help his moods, either.
Especially, if he has been applying for a few jobs and not had many or not had any interviews.
That certainly would deflate your ego, for sure.
No doubt about it.
And if he has been looking earnestly for work since that job ended, well then it might be beneficial to him to have a bit of a rest from trying so hard to find a job.
It can definitely be very disheartening when it comes to find work and the going gets tough.
So perhaps you could influence him to have a bit of a break from looking for work for a few weeks, and try in another month.
Or else, wait until after Christmas and New Year, and have another go at looking.
You said he's living with his mother, there is a bit of financial security there as she is probably working, so that there is money coming into the house each week.
So it's not like he's living on the street, is it?
What I am saying here, is that although he may be having problems finding another job right now, at least there is food on the table for him every day, and a roof over his head.
So there is no immediate risk to his personal safety.
And that is one less thing for him to worry about.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): Hi, I'll start off by answering questions"Does he live with his family?"Yes, he lives with his mom."What do you know of his family life?"His family life seems to be normal. He gets along well with his mom and spends time with his father every week ."Has there been a recent breakup of his parents, or a divorce or a threating divorce?"No, his parents broke up years ago."Are there are money issues there at all, with his family?"Not that I know of"Are they about to lose their house?"No, they're actually considering buying a second property."Does he have any large debts?"No"Does he gamble, and is in debt with that?"Not at all."Does he work?"No, he lost his job earlier this year. That seemed to ruin a lot of his confidence because he was let go with hardly any warning. He was really upset about it for weeks afterwards and even now, he still apologizes for being such a "lousy boyfriend" and not working. I have never considered him to be a lousy boyfriend at all, but he always thinks he is. We tried the walk today and yesterday. He did say that getting fresh air seemed to help him feel better. It appears to have made quite a difference in his mood tonight. He was actually laughing at something on tv, which he hasn't done in weeks. I hope this is the beginning of something good.I didn't ask him anything about what was wrong, but he did say he talked to his mom about how he was feeling. Then he went on to say that he doesn't know why he has such bad days, they just seem to happen for no reason sometimes. The past two days have been much better though, so I am grateful for that!And thank you very much for your reply!
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (21 October 2012):
Hi there. Unless anything has happened in his personal life recently, such as a death of someone close, or a close family member (mum, dad, brother, sister, grandparent), has been recently diagnosed with a terminal illness, well then it could be clinical depression that goes up and down and is always there at some level.
If he is just seeing his family doctor and being prescribed anti depressants, well then it does seem that they are not working effectively.
Once anti depressants are started, it can usually take up to 6 weeks to start to see a noticeable improvement in the general mood.
Men unfortunately, can often be very reluctant to talk about their issues, as they see it as a sign of character weakness.
So they keep it all to themselves, and try to figure it out without help.
You have said you have been seeing each other for over a year now, so I'm guessing that you must have met with his family on several occasions over that time.
Does he live with his family?
What do you know of his family life?
Has there been a recent breakup of his parents, or a divorce or a threating divorce?
Are there are money issues there at all, with his family?
Are they about to lose their house?
Does he have any large debts?
Does he gamble, and is in debt with that?
Why I am asking these questions, is the depression he feels could be more than just clinical depression.
The depression could be caused by him having some personal problems that are worrying the hell out of him, and he hasn't got a clue how he's going to resolve those issues.
Does he work?
Does he get paid well in the work he does?
Many problems people worry about the most, often concern money.
And specifically, owing money - a LOT of money.
So what I'm really saying here, is that the depression he feels, could simply be the symptom - rather than the actual problem.
We all have some kind of problem in life, none of us go through life with nothing going wrong.
It just DOES NOT happen.
And so the real essence of how it all pans out, is how we look at the problem.
We can look at the problem, and see nothing but how bad things seem to be at that time.
OR, we can look at the problem - whatever it is - and after we swear and curse and vent our anger at the frustration of it all, then we move onto the next stage which is - "Ok, this has gone wrong. It's not the end of the world, it's really just a minor inconvenience. No big deal. Now what needs to happen?"
And when you get to that stage, you are already half way to solving it.
So you are no longer a part of the problem.
We become part of the problem, when we become stuck in what has gone wrong, and feeling unable to move in any direction.
So I guess simply put, it is either sink or swim.
I am not being hard and unfeeling when I say this to you, I am merely pointing out the difference between feeling helpless and being in control.
It's possible that your boyfriend does have some issues in his life and is feeling stuck and completely out of control.
One of the best things you could possibly do when you are feeling down, is to go for a long, relaxing, leisurely walk.
Why not suggest to him, that you both go for a nice long walk together?
In doing this however, DO NOT give any indication that you want to talk to him about his problems.
Don't even hint at it at all.
I am guessing that you see each other pretty regularly, so on one of those occasions, why not say - "Let's do something completely different, and go walking together. I really enjoy looking at the houses and being with nature. It would be fun. I find it really relaxing."
And then see what he says.
The great thing about walking with someone else, is that people naturally talk as they walk. And they talk about all sorts of stuff, the conversation just flows and flows.
And if you can get him to be open to walking with you around locally to where you both live, well then as you start walking, you might first find that your mind feels blank. But that's no real problem. Besides you will be looking at things as you go along, so it's no big deal if there are some silences along the way. Not at all.
And why I am suggesting you try this, is because it is often a way that people automatically open up to another person, in a way they probably and almost certainly would NOT open up if you were both just sitting at home in the living room together on the lounge, and you asked him to tell you what was bothering him.
It probably just would not happen at all then, because he would feel some kind of pressure to disclose all the sordid details of his problems, and his life.
Something that he might feel some embarrassment about.
However, when you are just relaxed and walking along together outside, it's a whole different ball game.
And a whole different environment as well.
A much more conducive environment, which is open to that kind of relaxed banter people have when they feel really good and with no pressure.
You might even find that after you've been walking for 20 minutes to half an hour, that one thing leads into another and before you know it, the conversation reaches the point of the real problem that's bugging him so much.
And when that time comes, it will just happen all by itself - without any prompting from you or anyone else.
He will simply open up, because he will feel comfortable in doing so.
He needs your support on an emotional level, but without any pressure by you, for him to have to say all that is on his mind.
That decision MUST absolutely come from him.
And this comes from building a really good rapport between you, which is something you would probably already have, since you have been together for one year already.
However in saying that, if he doesn't seem to want to talk about it with you - or anyone else - it could be that he wants to feel he can trust that what he tells you, you will not pass on to another soul.
A good friend, also needs to be a confidante.
Meaning, that you must not tell even your closest friend.
So it is possible with time, love and patience, trust and understanding - and the right environment - that in some time soon, he will just open up to you fully, about what is the real problem for him.
And unfortunately, if his depression is caused from problems that are worrying him, well then the anti depressant medication, will not solve that.
They only help somewhat, will be in controlling his mood hormones, and that's about all.
The problem will still be there - unaddressed.
If you can somehow get to the bottom of his problems without any pressure, well then there will no longer be a need for the anti depressants. Because there will be no problem.
The really big issue here, is that we DO NOT want him to give up on it, and do the unthinkable.
This really is the bottom line.
Certainly, as well as inviting him to go on long walks with you, it would be a very wise idea to speak to his parents of your serious concerns for his state of mind, and see if they can shed any light on what has been happening in their family life.
I am assuming that if he lives with his parents, they would have to be totally aware of his mental state, surely.
It would be impossible not to be.
In any case, when he is not around at the time, you could have a quiet chat to his parents and see what they say.
Still encourage him to go walking with you, anyway.
Exercise is very well known, as well as recommended by doctors, to combat feelings of depression and anxiety.
Whenever I have felt low in my moods, and I have gone for a nice relaxing walk, I find that I feel fantastic when I return, and that my mood has definitely lifted quite substantially.
And of course as an extra bonus, walking will also help him to sleep well at night. And you also.
Please let me know how things go.
...............................
|
