A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently I found out that my husband of twelve years has had an affair with my brother's wife for just over a year. My brother and i were devastated by the news and trying to work through our marriages. Problem is that only a couple of days ago (even more recently that when i found out about my husband and sister-in-law's affair) a male mate who i have been mates with for nearly ten years told me that he likes me more than a friend and has admitted that he's deeply in love with me. I think that i might be falling for him but i feel comfortable with my husband. Who should I choose, my husband or my mate?
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female
reader, elsie +, writes (13 May 2007):
 its a very hard situation that you are in but i would definetly leave this other guy on the backburner for another time.when you have cleared your head maybe then move on.you know deep down it would be a rebound job?i would concentrate on why your husband and sister in law had this damaging affair.i think i would find it easier to forgive a one night stand but this year long affair is i believe simply unforgivable.the amount of lies and the sheer logistics involved for them just to have their seedy little affair is something most people would never get over.ive had it done to me so i know where im coming from and im not with him anymore.but ofcourse everyone is different!you will constantly be wondering where he is?if hes telling the truth?and on top of that after the initial shock youll be rewinding and playing everything over and over in your head?it is something only you can decide whether or not you can live with probably for a very long time.the pain and the fallout of what hes done have been so damaging for everyone.whatever their excuses i ask you one thing.could you have been seeing another man and kept looking your husband in the eye everyday for the next year???i wish you all the luck in dealing with a very hard problem but you will do it.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 May 2007):
 Your husband was wrong and you know it. You too will be wrong, if you choose the same path. How can this other guy be "in love" with you? You've never even dated. That is crazy. You sound like you're about to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.
If you're falling for this other guy based on what he told you and you never had feelings for him before, then you're reacting to what your husband did...the rebound.
What your husband and sister in law did was terrible. I imagine that will put a wedge in the family for ever. I don't know how you'd get over that one. Bad is bad but carrying on something like this within the family is horrible. Still, this is no justification for you to do the wrong thing. Have the self respect they didn't have. Stop nurturing these feelings and compliments you're getting from this other guy. He knows you're weak and the compliments feel good. That is understandable. Yo have to understand though why the compliments feel good. It's because your husband kicked you in the stomach by his poor choices, not so much because this other guy is flattering you.
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A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (12 May 2007):
Whatever you do, do not repeat your husband's mistake.
If you want to pursue things with this other guy, divorce your husband first. Tell the other guy that he's going to have to wait until after the divorce is final before the two of you can become romantically involved.
As for your husband, divorce him now while you can before he drags you through this all over again, and again, and again.
But also realize that you have to work to make your relationships work. I'm not saying you were partially at fault for pushing your husband away. More likely than not, he was just a dog, but it is possible that you played a part in pushing him to infidelity. You shouldn't feel guilty or responsible, however, because your husband "chose" to do what he did. Whether or not you may have pushed away, he chose to chase after and sleep with your brother's wife. If he was than unhappy with your marriage, he should've done as I'm suggesting, and get a divorce before pursuing alternative romantic interests.
When you're married, there is no "try before you buy" program. If you want to be with someone romantically who is not your spouse, the ethical course of action is to end the marriage first. If you don't feel that strongly about the person so as to give up on your marriage, then maybe you should invest more energy in trying to make your marriage work. However, in your case, your husband cheated. And worse yet, he cheated with your brother's spouse. In my book that's two mortal sins for the price of one.
Divorce him.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (12 May 2007):
 What your husband did to you was inexcusable and I'm not saying forgiving him would be the easiest thing to do but marriage is hard. If it was easy there would be no point in doing it and I think you owe it to yourself to have another go. Your mate sounds to me like someone who has restored your knocked confidence in yourself and has made you feel sexy again and not second best but those feelings will pass. To be honest it worries me that your mate plays on a time when you're very emotional and vulnerable to try and get you to love him more. It seems wrong somehow. Just something to think about. Good luck with making a decision.
CD
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