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*pt1960
writes:I have a question and I desperately need an answer.My wife and I have been married for almost 22 years. She has a son approaching 29 years of age from her first marriage. He lives with his father. Her ex suffered a heart attack a few years ago, and since has not taken care of himself as he should simply because he does not like being told what to do by anyone. He is now in the hospital with only 25% heart function and facing a possible procedure that could kill him.My wife has said if he passes, her son will come live with us despite my feelings.Her son has a job as an EMT, volunteers in the community teaching soccer to kids, and is seeing a few different women albeit platonic relationships.So my question is who should be her priority, her husband or her adult child?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2015):
 That IS good news.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (28 January 2015):
 I'm glad it all worked out.
I think that, if you're both up for it, it may be a good idea to try to be friends. I know he may be a bit old for the father figure but, if you can use this opportunity to gradually build a better bond (even if your wife is involved to start with), it would probably be beneficial to all of you :)
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male
reader, kpt1960 +, writes (28 January 2015):
kpt1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA quick update. The procedure to restore normal rhythm was successful. My step-son told his mother that he feels like everything just drained from him and he could fall asleep standing up.
I'm happy for my step-son. His father is his best friend.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2015):
Good that you are going to be there for him. And no one is saying this "adult kid" should walk all over the two of you. MAKE it a COMPROMISE with your wife, instead of a point of resentment will make this much easier for both of you.
If the son is capable of holding down a job & volunteering, he is quite capable of being out of his own. He might even prefer it. So far it's JUST your wife thinking out loud? Am I correct?
I think your wife sees his as her "baby" still, despite his 29 years. And she wants to protect him and make it all better. I think it's natural. YOU can be the voice of reason and help HER to help him, instead of enabling him.
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reader, kpt1960 +, writes (28 January 2015):
kpt1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, I lost my father 15 years ago this week. He suffered with a rare pancreatic cancer that slowly ate him alive over the course of 18 months. At one time he was 6 feet tall and weighed 200 lbs. A few days before he died I carried him in my arms into the hospital. Being his eldest, I was the strong one everyone came to lean on. Unfortunately being the strong one meant I had to put aside my mourning to comfort others. It wasn't until four months later that I finally cried when I saw the photos taken of him Christmas day, exactly one month before he died.
I know what he is going through. I will be there for him. I'm just trying to get some support and advice.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2015):
It isn't a competition. But if..... my husband EVER told me to pick between him and my kids (our kids) I'd pick the kids EVERY time.
Why not, INSTEAD of making an issue out of this and create unnecessary drama, SIT her down and tell her that yes, he can come stay for 6-8 months, that he IS an adult and he NEEDS to be on his own two feet. He has a job and IS a grown up. My guess is HE will NEED him mom (even IF he is 29) to DEAL with the grief. BUT that doesn't mean he HAS to love with you from then on.
Don't bring up the past, don't DRAG up your wife's past mistakes (because I'm sure you have made a blunder or two in the marriage too, WE ALL DO) Don't DRAG up past drama with the dad/don either.
YOU and YOUR wife COMPROMISE and FIND some RULES for the son to ABIDE by while he LIVES with you. THAT includes HOW long he stays, what kind of financial "help" he will provide (rent/money for food and such)and chores. HE is 29. So he can definitely HELP out.
Who knows, he might even want to be out on his own rather then live with the two of you.
MAYBE you need to suggest HELPING him finding his OWN place.
YOU are making this about you. Your routines that get broken. ONLY you. THINK about her son. YES he is 29, but LOSING a parent? Haven't YOU been there?
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reader, Pureflame  +, writes (28 January 2015):
I understand you have tried to make space, it is nice that you have attempted to be a father to him and everything. It's just that then. Be a father again. You would want your son with you, wouldn't you?
Sometimes, people make others a choice because they know or expect their partner to understand. And if you both love each other the way you say you do, that's all you have got to do. Be there. You are already each other's priorities, isn't that why you are together for so long? But the boy needs you. Think about it. Don't put yourself in a position where you feel any less than what you really mean to her.
Good luck :)
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (27 January 2015):
The real question is...what should your priority be as her husband to your wife??? To treat her child as if he was a complete stranger, or to be your wife's husband and be there for her no matter what??
Switch things around...What if it was your son or daughter, and your wife was asking the same question? Husband or child?
In fact, I bet if one of you good friends needed a place to crash for awhile, and you had the space, you would gladly help him out. But your wife's own son...nope.
He is an adult, and most likely won't be sticking around for long. Nonetheless, like it or not, you are the step FATHER and you need to STEP up be as such.
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reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (27 January 2015):
Then you talk to your wife and maybe set a 6 month limit (for healing purposes) and he can use any inheritance to get a place of his own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): It is an incredibly selfish question to ask whether a woman's loyalty should lie with you or her son.
In absolute terms I would say her son.
A husband can be replaced, just as you yourself replaced her first husband.
Her son will always be hers and he will only ever have the one mother.
You would do very well to remember this and respect their relationship.
Whatever he's done you have no right to stop her being there for him as much as she would like to. Support your wife and her kin and she will love and appreciate you all the more for it.
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reader, kpt1960 +, writes (27 January 2015):
kpt1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjanniepeg, I know my wife loves me. She admits to making major mistakes and feels bad about some of the choices she has made in our relationship.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 January 2015):
 You may feel you are sucking it up because you have always been the generous one while they take advantage of it. If the situation is reversed they would not be that nice to you. For example, if your sister needs a place to stay your wife would quickly say no.
Do you feel your wife loves you, or are you just a person to give her security and a loving second home for her son? I think that's all it comes down to.
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reader, kpt1960 +, writes (27 January 2015):
kpt1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMidnight, I tried to be father-like with him. No matter how hard I tried, I cannot make him feel like I'm a father figure. Only he can do that.
I would let him stay with us for a limited time. But I don't see that being an issue as his father owns their home. If it comes down to that I'm just afraid it would become permanent. He has never been on his own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): HER SON WILL ALWAYS BE HER PRIORITY.
There is no way I would ever turn away my son if he needed a place to live.
If my husband did not like it, he can find another place to live or another wife!
If you want to keep the peace, COMPROMISE!
Suck it up and do the right thing. Step back. And stop putting yourself in the middle of a mother and her child. You cannot win that battle!
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reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (27 January 2015):
Honestly, it sounds like you have no issues, when you delve into it, because you're not a bad guy, but her son should come first unless he's rude and you seem to be irrationally creating a problem. I mean, you just said you get on okay, so you're finding a problem where you don't really have one, when you explain it to us :)Just relax; you've been there since her son was 9 - with joint custody, you should have been able to develop a father role because he was young enough to be okay with having two father figures.... Were you told not to or did you try to avoid it?If he's a good man, and his father passes away, let him stay for as long as he needs to begin healing and find somewhere else to live. He's an adult, so you should all be able to get along, abide by rules and be fairly content - if all goes to plan. If it doesn't, you all reaccess the situation and see what can be done to remedy it :)
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reader, CMMP +, writes (27 January 2015):
Our you could phrase your question like this: why are you trying to force her to choose between her son and her husband?
Obviously an arrangement should be made for him to get his own place, but why can't he stay with you until that happens?
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reader, kpt1960 +, writes (27 January 2015):
kpt1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCeltic Tiger, I tried to be his step-father. I took him to wrestling and a couple concerts. I was there for every soccer game no matter what time of day. Even when he was in outdoor soccer playing in near freezing conditions I could have just said I would not go, but that never entered my mind. I helped him with his homework and a few different science projects. As much as I tried to be a father figure to him, I never felt he looked up to me as a father. To me and others, his father has been more like a buddy than a father. I wasn't trying to be a buddy. I was trying to be the best parent I could be.He became an EMT so he could join the fire department like his father and grandfather. Unfortunately after several attempts, he still hasn't been picked. He was an EMT for at least a few years before his father had his heart attack so being his caregiver never influenced his decision.His parents had joint custody. His father's schedule was 4 days on, 4 days off. During his 4 days on, my step-son would stay with us. He had his own room, with his own belongings and I respected his space. The other 4 days he would be with his father. It was because of an instance where his father pitted him against his mother that he moved to his father's full time about 5 years ago.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Temporary, yes, if he was living there as as full-time carer of his dad and needed a place to stay until he got his bearings and found a place to live.
Permanently, no. He's an adult out of college who should be supporting himself.
My question is - why are your feelings negative about at least a temporary situation??
AND - why would he NEED to stay with you? Did his dad own the house?? Does he have any other heirs? Doesn't he have a will? Wouldn't the house pass to the son if he were to die?? Life insurance??
My question is - why does he NEED to automatically live with you? That makes no sense to me unless he's disabled or he's looking to find a place temporarily to get a place if his dad rented. Your stepson could have been cutting back on hours to be full-time caregiver, so he may need to find a job. Family is family. Her son is YOUR family. That's what family does, right??
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Ok. I feel that this may only be one side of the story, but I will leave my own opinions to one side.
You say you have been married to your wife for 22 years, her son has been in your life since he was 7 years old. He has grown up with you as a Step-Father, yet you seem to show no feelings of goodwill towards him at all.
You say it is HER son. Not yours. You don't even acknowledge him as a step child.
It is unusual that the child chose to live with his father, rather than living with his mother when their relationship broke up. Is this perhaps because you did not want a child to get in the way of your relationship?
And now you are resentful that he might be coming into your life after all these years?
Has he always lived with his Father? Or did he move back home? With medical training, he may have actually been acting as a carer to his father. Has he actually given up the opportunity to live on his own in order to "help" his father who will not accept it from outside sources?
If his father was to die, would you seriously be heartless enough to force this man to look for somewhere new to live, whilst sorting out all his fathers possessions and deal with the grief, and continue to work, earn and do all the other good things he volunteers for, just because YOU didn't want to be usurped as top dog?
It is a terrible situation to watch a family member deteriorate in front of you, and takes its toll, emotionally and physically. Have a little heart.
This is not a situation about who should be your wife's priority. In your head, this is about who is the dominant male in the house.
At any point in time, different people are prioritised depending on the situations that people find themselves in. Right now, your wife is being a mother first, and putting her son first. You have been her priority for the last 22 years in the fact that her son has not lived with her. If we reversed your question, and asked you, who you should prioritise, YOUR NEEDS or those of your WIFE. Who would you pick? I guess yourself.
Being married is about being a team, and creating a united front, supporting each other when needed. Your job, as a loving husband is to support her, not make her choose! You have known she has a son for 22 years, it's not like he has suddenly appeared from thin air. You do sound like a spoilt child having a bit of a tantrum.
Maybe now is the time to mend any broken bridges between you and act in unity with your wife, rather than having a tantrum.
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reader, kpt1960 +, writes (27 January 2015):
kpt1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJanniepeg, it the ex that doesn't like being told what to do, not her son.
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reader, kpt1960 +, writes (27 January 2015):
kpt1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ask because my wife has a history of putting others before me. Parents, siblings, and friends have been put before me many times. To Pure Flame, please do not get me wrong. Her son and I are ok with each other. While growing up I tried to influence him as positively as I could while staying out of the disciplining. That was his parents job because they has joint custody and we live just two blocks apart. By the way... when looking for a house 18+ years ago, I was the one who suggesting buying the house we did so her son would be able to walk to either parents house from the other. He was 10 at the time and being from parents who divorced, I know how important maintaining a good relationship with both parents is.I must mention however that his father has many times pitted their son against her for one reason or another over the years.To Midnight Shadow, I do not want to leave her. I made a vow that I fully intend to keep!
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 January 2015):
Will he be living with you forever or until he feels better and moves on from the loss? As he's a person who doesn't like being told what to do, is that his wish to live with you too, because it seems like there is some animosity between you two.
I think living with step family members should be an honor. You are gaining a family member. If living with him brings you feelings of comtempt, making you feel crowded, then it's not a good idea.
I think you would feel better if your wife discusses this with you first, instead of just assuming you would be okay with this.
This is not a time to express to her, who is bigger, you or ex junior? You will always lose if you tell her to diss her own biological child. You should focus on the harmony part and what's in each person's best interest. FIrst say your concerns. Then if you do agree then lay out boundaries such as how long he stays here, no parties, no inviting friends here.
At the end, I am not sure if this is a good idea. He will be losing a father while you won't feel comfortable with him until he establishes a relationship with you. His loyalty is to his father and it's only natural that he sees you only as a person who sleeps with mom. The hospitality to house a family member only extends to those who have trust and a deep bond. This is a delicate subject that has to be discussed and it's best not to let your ego get involved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): Her husband. The "child" is now an adult and should be able to support himself.
Good luck to you.
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reader, Pureflame +, writes (27 January 2015):
At a time like this? Of course her son. And you being the husband, should actually support that. Not because you have to. But don't you care enough to see that at least for a while, the boy should spend some time with his mother? If something happens? It sounds like you and the son don't really get along. Also you don't sound fond of him at all. Don't make this about your ego issues. It's a very simple family thing. While you have been with your wife for so long, you must have the understanding to realise on your own that her son is also a very important part of her existence. No matter how their relationship is.
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reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (27 January 2015):
Her adult son will ALWAYS be her baby. He may need support if he was very close to his dad - your wife would have to set the boundaries that you both agree on.
Why are you against this? He seems like a good person and property prices are higher, so he may need to live with you and his mother for a while to keep saving up.
If you want to leave, you can, but I know that there's nothing that most good mothers wouldn't do for their child (regardless of age) unless they were taking advantage and being disrespectful. I'm assuming you haven't got children and wouldn't relate to this feeling?
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reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (27 January 2015):
 She has responsibilities to both of you.
You are trying to stop her from being a mother. Don't!
However at 29 her son really shouldn't be living with his parents anymore and should be standing on his own two feet. Your wife should surely understand this? If he did come to live with you, it should only be on a temporary basis until he has got his own place.
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