A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my wife for 10 years. She has never had a job. I have always paid most of the bills with very few exceptions. she collect ssi and public assistance. She pays what she wants on the bills. Recently it has been $80.00 a month for the rent and utility bills total. She receives two hundred and about eighty dollars in food stamps and buys food with that. I pay $1175. for rent, $100. for utility and $60. for phone and internet. We have an 18,17 and 3yr old children living with us. The two oldest are her children from previous relationships. She also has a 16 year old that doen't live with us. I have a 23, 22 and 19 year old that don't live with us. We do keep close contact with all. The problem: my wife thinks I complain too much. I complain about her 17 year old who blatantly and constantly disrespects his mother and has no consideration for other people in the house when it comes to food. I complain too much about my 3year old never leaving the house because my wife doesn't think it's necessary if she doesn't feel like going anywhere. She constantly accuses me of having relationships with women on myspace. I gget up every morning at at 5:00am and don't get home until 6:30pm. Am I wrong for feeling that my wife should take care of her husband like a housewife should. I don't abuse her. I don't cheat. I drink once a month. A half pint to a pint. I don't hang out. I go to work and come home.my question is: who should be head of household and lay down most of the rules?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all the advice I got. Each one had things I'm going to try with my wife. I love her very much along with all the kids. I don't regard her as a housewife. I just used that term loosley and so does she. As for my 3yr. old, she's a girl. Things are a little bit more complicated because of that. I don't want her to grow up relying on a man to take care of her for the rest of her life. Her brothers and I should be the men to do that. As for my wife getting a job, I would love for that to happen but she has severe mental issues that will carry on the rest of her life(unfortunately). I will continue to support my family the best way I can and really take some of the advice given from the readers. Thank you. As for the person who said that "No where in stone is it written that a housewife has to totally take care of a husband",you need to check the marriage vows again. I totally take care of my wife and it should be returned. Sorry if I sound sarcastic but it is the truth. One thing I know for sure is that I am still totally attracted to my BEATIFUL wife and if I could, I'd try to spend every waking moment with her. She is and always will be my equal. I wouldn't have married her if I didn't think so.
A
male
reader, daglish  +, writes (23 July 2009):
 I think it should be the man but as a husband not some sort of 'LORD'. It is a scary ordeal, what you might be going thru. On second thought though, the way you look at your contributions is all thats driving you mad. You sound like you were forced into this marriage and are working so hard to keep everybody around you..happy and alive. My bro, things dont work like that. The moment financial contribution float to the front like that..then both of you are gonna get into some hell of trouble. I know how step kids can be a manace in a relationship but am sure both of you knew each other's package before this. Please leave all the kids out of this and try the following. 1)What is hurting you is the way your family spends given your income. You can sit down with your lovely wife and stem the expenditure before getting into debt. 2)As for the love and care she doesnt give you, the complaining turns off anybody so please watch that. Finally, men have to live with the fact that they think for their wives too! I hope you get the hint. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): You clearly have economic power over your wife as you earn more than her and you describe the payment of bills in a divise way so you have an issue of inequality in that sense yet you actually want inequality in your favour when it comes to decisions and power and control. Now you feel you are entitled to have pretty much all the power over her to make decisions, decide what she is and how she behaves. You have a complicated situation regarding some of your offspring and I think your resentment of that is displaced so its time for you to deal with it in a united way and take some responsibility for it yourself too. Do you think being a housewife is a job or something??? 'Take care of you like a housewife should?' Does the whole world revolve around looking after you and then you want to call the shots aswell? Society has moved on a bit I'm afraid to tell you. I think you would get a lot more out of your relationship with your wife if you started to consider her as an equal human being and that would be irrespective of whether she is your wife or not. Your terminology is controlling and for most women it would knock their self esteem so flat and make them feel so worthless (label = housewife) when they consider you will be in charge, lay down the rules. What is left for them to do? Serve you and shut up? Oh please. Have you considered with a bit of encouragement and support from YOU she might feel motivated and not depressed to participate more fully in the marriage and life generally? As for her accusing you of flings on myspace I suggest you quit myspace for a while and show some respect for the 'homespace' you have - that is, to sit down and speak equally and in a caring way to your wife to find out what the problems are, how you can tackle them together and plan how you can make both your lives happier.
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A
female
reader, elizzy +, writes (23 July 2009):
Ok, first off marriage is a 50/50 partenership regardless of who pays the bills. You stated that you pay this with your money and she does this with hers. It should be "our" money not "my" money. As for who should "lay down the rules". This isn't the 50's and the man shouldn't lay down the rules or else. If she is busy as a mom and housewife with her 3 yr. old during the day, that gets tiring. Yes, there is nothing wrong with her taking care of you but the terms you use, no where is it written in stone that a housewife has to totally take care of a husband. Especially with that many kids around. And you even state that the one is a handful. Don't you think that that is tiring, too. Being a housewife and mom is a tiring job too if you cook, clean, and take of the kids. As for rules, why not the both of you stand a common ground together and set rules together. It should be about both people, not who should have ownership of the house. And from personal experience, I am a housewife and my husband and I do not have this problem because we are equal partners. He doesn't say you pay this and I will pay this. Being a housewife when kids are involved can be especially demanding. My advice, the 2 of you sit down and find the middle of the road "together". Show each other you care by doing small gestures such as on your day off, take your 3 yr. old to the park together. Do things that will motivate her and spend quality time together. She is accusing you of things because she wants attention from you. Start giving her special attention on days off and show her you care (without bringing up your money and problems) make it about her or the family. She probably wants to know somewhere in there that you are still sexually attratcted to her. Hope this helps in some way!!
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