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female
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*ooking-For-Answers
writes: Hello,here's the problem. I work in an environment where I run into a lot of people who are victims of domestic violence. Furthermore, I met a woman in my college class who was in a violent marriage before and she said, if you're ever going to trust someone, you need to push them as much as you can to see how they'll react in an angry situation. So, here's the thing: I love my boyfriend, I really do. However, when pushedmy boyfriend resorts to name calling, and this makes me very upset because you should never call your significant other, or anyone else for that matter, bad names. However, am I being hard on him because my behavior pushes him to that point, or am I just making excuses for him? For example, (and this is just one example of many),one night we got in an argument because I wanted to talk, and he was falling asleep. I got angry, and started shaking him to wake up. When this didn't work, I started moving the blankets so he would miss them and wake up. At this point he is irritated, hasn't started yelling yet but says please, we can talk tomorrow. I often get a few polite requests before the name calling begins. I get more upset, steal the pillow and move to the floor. Once he realizes i'm not there and sees me on the floor, he starts to get so much more upset and says do you want to go home? So I start pounding very loudly on his computer keyboard and saying how he never listens to me, etc. and by the time he wakes up he's so upset says he has a job tomorrow, that I don't care about him or his sleep and then starts on his name calling thing, at which point I've proved to myself once again that he can be so mean sometimes, and verbally abusive. We've had many situations like this, the last one was recently where I was at home and he was falling asleep so I repeatedly called his home phone at about 1 am, waking up his elderly aunt and he very upset and went into a name calling tirade. Who's to blame here, me or him, or both, and how can the situation be resolved. This is not just a common scenario for night but also for situations in the day. Am I being immature, or is he being a jerk? or both? Thanks for your help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2006): you shouldn't need to push him to see how violent he'll get. trust is really important in relationships and you need to trust that he won't hurt you.just because you work with domestic abuse victims doesn't mean its going to happen to you. so trust him! he sounds patient enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2006): Are you crazy or what? Poor man!
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A
female
reader, Danielle934 +, writes (8 May 2006):
 I am sorry if this comes out the wrong way, but if my man ever acted towards me like you are to you boyfriend I would think he is very immature! No adult relationship should have to put up with this! The more you test him the further you will push him away, and in the end even if you stop he just might fall out of love with you because of this. This guy seems to be very patient and understanding; you said it yourself that you have to keep on doing something before the name calling begins. Have you ever thought that he might start name calling because he figures it is more towards your immature level?
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A
female
reader, Angelicc  +, writes (8 May 2006):
 You are. You game playing and that isnt right, you boyfriend doesnt need to be tested by you, or pushed by you. if you were in his situation you would do the same.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (8 May 2006):
 The guy is a saint! I work with people affected by domestic violence, but I wouldn't say my clients are the first people to offer balanced advice on relationship matters. After all they have suffered terrible situations and depression for years. Basically your man sounds very reasonable and calm. You need to stop pushing his buttons and being demanding and try to figure out why you feel the need to test him all the time.
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female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (8 May 2006):
 Dr Pete is right here, you need to take a good look at your behaviour, you're pushing this guy in one direction, right out the door, and your life!
Would you find this behaviour acceptable if he treated you this way?
Sorry but I think you are acting very childishly, and I'll be suprised if he puts up with it for much longer. If you care about this man, stop this nonsence before it's too late.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2006): It's not often that I've had to say this (well actually, I've never said it) but.. it seems like you're the one who is to blame.
With the first incident, how would you feel if someone was doing that to you if you were trying to sleep?
I think you need to take a look at yourself and see how demanding, insecure and needy you're being.
You need to stop playing stupid games. If you intentionally aggravate someone, or try starting a fight, or cause you'll get a response.
Perhaps spending less time around victims of domestic violence will help.
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